Monthly Archives: July 2014

Using Your Upset Feelings to Feel Better

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You are upset. You are sad. You are mad. You are scared. The question is what do you do with your upset feelings?  You can stuff them, you can wallow in them, you can grow them, you can ignore them, you can share them over and over without taking any real action and more. OR you can use your upset feelings to feel better. So how does that work?

How to Use Your Upset Feelings to FEEL BETTER . . .

  1. First of all try to see your FEELINGS as your own INTERNAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM. Simply put, see your feelings as a “navigation tool”. They can put you in touch with how YOU are really doing and can be an accurate “measurement” of your well-being. Your feelings are a good friend!
  2. Acknowledge your feelings. Avoid stuffing, ignoring or telling yourself that they don’t matter. Listen to your feelings  & give them the RESPECT they deserve. You are respecting yourself when you respect your feelings. Example: “I am feeling really sad today. I don’t like that I had an argument with my husband this morning.”
  3. Shift to neutral. Take some deep breaths and calm yourself. Bringing yourself to a place of “neutral” can help you then progress to the feelings you want.  Example: “I am going to take some deep breaths. It’s all going to be ok.” Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Continue to use positive self talk and deep breaths until you feel more neutral.  Example: “I know we can work this out. ” Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. 
  4. After you have calmed, CHOOSE how you want to feel.  It is a bit of a choosing to shift process. If we can shift or change gears early on with our feelings, after acknowledging them and calming ourselves, we have a better chance of going to the place of well-being we want to be in. So if you are sad and you want to be happy. Then you make a conscious choice to have happy feelings. We can choose how we want to feel.  Example: “I  am choosing to feel happy and go about my day. It feels good to be happy.”
  5. Take ACTION if need be. Take care of yourself by following up with those feelings you had that were upsetting if need be. Example: ” I am going to talk with my husband about our argument and see how we can work this out. I know we can find a solution.” 
  6. Long term stuffed feelings may need more acknowledging and working through and more steps of action. Reoccurring feelings or patterns may need more processing and clearing. This will include finding ways to shift and change things that have been affecting you. Taking action is what is key here. Having a support person or a therapist would be helpful in this kind of situation.

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So use those upset feelings to feel better. Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something is not right. They can advice you something needs corrected. And you have the power to do that. Choose what is best for you!

Utica Square Summer’s Fifth Night Free Concerts

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Looking for a FREE family or couple activity in Tulsa? Check out Utica Square’s Summer’s Fifth’s Night 2014 Summer Concert Schedule. This is on Thursday nights from 7-9 pm through August. And best of all, it is FREE. So many of the summer events end in July, so it is nice to find one that runs through August. I have listed the rest of the summer dates and who is performing through the end of August.

July 24     Usual Suspects     Rock and Roll

July 31     Red Dirt Rangers     Red Dirt Country

August 7     Traveler     Rock

August 14     Jeff Shadley’s Mad Men of Swing    Rat Pack Music

August 21     Jessica Hunt Band     Blues/Soul

August 28     Grady Nichols     Jazz 

For more information go to: www.uticasquare.com/events/summers-fifth-night

So enjoy some music, dance a bit, maybe have a picnic or take in one of the restaurants in Utica Square. A fun family or couple event and FREE 🙂

Rebuilding Your Empty Nest

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Is it time to rebuild your nest? Are you an empty nester? You may be thinking am I an empty nester and does that really ever happen. Yes and no. You will always have a spot for your babies to come back and roost for a bit if they need to and you will still have your kiddos in your life. But as your children start to leave for college you are in the process of your nest emptying. AND this is the time where new possibilities begin to open and appear for you as a couple.

REBUILDING YOUR EMPTY NEST

  1. Support One Another – This is a time to reflect and decide what you need as a couple at this point in time. Going through this process  can feel painful for some folks and you may go through a bit of a grieving process. So you really have to be there for each other. You may each handle it in a different way.
  2. Give Yourselves a Pat on the Back for Your Years of Active Parenting – This is not to say you will no longer be a parent. You will enter a different phase of parenting and there will be a transition as your children leave college, as they marry, as they have children, etc, etc. But do take time to congratulate yourself on all you did to raise your children. It is not always an easy job and recognizing and giving yourself credit for what you did is important.
  3. Create New Goals for Yourself as a Couple and as an Individual – As your responsibilities for active parenting of children in the home has ended, you will find you have this lovely space to create new goals and to redefine possibly what you feel your purpose in life is. This is true for you as a couple and as an individual. This can help with your grieving process of transitioning from a certain stage of parenting.
  4. Have Fun, Love life and Enjoy Your Freedom – You do not have a soccer game you have to attend. You do not have to take the kids to practice. You do not have to be in three places at once. You are free. You have more time to be with each other as a couple and more time to pursue individual interests. It is a wonderful time to re-connect and start dating and getting to know each other again. To travel a bit. Or to take up yoga. Or whatever it is you have held off on.
  5. Remember You Will Always Be a Parent – It will just shift as to your role. So do not despair. It is never really over. But it does change. But that is ok, you are ready for a new adventure!

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So grieve if you need to. Talk about your feelings with each other. But remember you have new wonderful opportunities ahead of you. So enjoy!

Choosing to Be Happy – 5 Ways to Shift into the Happiness Mode

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I found my self doing a “happy dance” this am. It just felt like a great day. I have found that we can choose to be happy. I used to think this was not true. But the more research I have done on happiness and the more life experiences I have had, I do now believe this to be true. In the therapy world we would talk about cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically what we think is what we get. So let’s talk about a few ways to make this shift into the Happiness Mode.

  1. Decide you want to be happy. Our brain or mind tends to scan for things that are wrong or are a danger. It is a self-protection measure. And maybe necessary at some level, but we don’t want to spend all of our time in this place. So make a decision that being happy is what you want. Because we have to first want something to make it happen. For those of you who are goal directed, you could even say it could be your goal.
  2. Choose to look at life as Half Full opposed to Half Empty.  Many of you are familiar with this metaphor for life. Which way do you look at life in general? If it is in the Half Empty mode, well this may be something to consciously work on. We are talking “attitude” here. It may take a bit of focus to shift but you can do so.
  3. Visualize, Visualize, Visualize what HAPPY would look like for you. The more you can see this, the more likely you will see this shift taking place. I find it most helpful to structure this into my day. One might consider visualizing before they get out of bed or maybe as they start their day. Ideally you would do this throughout the day for the biggest bang out of this wonderfully, powerful technique
  4. REFRAME the NEGATIVE stuff.  For example you find your favorite restaurant is closed unexpected, so you get to experience a new place. Or maybe your client cancels on you at the last-minute, so this may mean you get to spend a bit of extra time with your family. Or maybe, a project is taking much longer than you want it to, but you find that as it has taken longer it has given you time to really think thoughtfully and come up with ideas that you had not originally thought of.
  5. Look for the GOOD. Search it out. It is there. Back to our brain scanning for the bad stuff. As you will find it, remind yourself there is good too. And then LOOK for it specifically. Maybe at your meal with your family at the end of the day you can each share something GOOD that happened that day. It can be an encouraging kind of thing, reminding each other that the GOOD is out there. We just have to look for it. Plus what a great way to help kids to shift into the Happiness Mode.

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Here is to you doing your own “happy dance” today and every day.

Crystal Gardens Museum in Arkansas – A “Must Do” Trip for Couples or Families

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Looking for a  trip as a couple or maybe as a family, then I hope you will consider Crystal Gardens Museum of American Art, nestled in the Ozarks in Bentonville Arkansas,  just a little over two hours from Tulsa.  I think is a “must do” trip if you enjoy art museums and walking trails.  We were so delighted with this beautiful space created by world-renowned architect, Moshe Safdie. There are 8 pavilions linked by 2 large creek fed ponds. There are 6 galleries to explore, a lovely eating area looking over a wonder Ozark vista and several walking trails. In addition, a special children’s area is set up for children to participate in some hands on art activities. Then there is the world-class art with wonderful exhibits. My favorite was some of the George Washington paintings and then I loved seeing some of the Rosie the Riveter paintings. Some wonderful modern art too and lots of architecture displays.

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This wonderful Arkansas treasure opened in 2011. It is the brainchild of Alice Walton, with Wal-Mart being the main funding source for this amazing museum.  For more detailed information go to the museums website: crystalbridges.org We were surprised that museum admission was free. If you want to experience their most current exhibit there is a charge for that gallery. Check their website or face book page for admission fees for these special exhibits. Folks are encouraged to picnic in their gardens.  Again check their website for a few exception spaces on picnicking. We also noticed some bike trails available. There was a nice variety of trails, some paved and short and others more rustic and longer. One of their popular trails is the Art Trail, which has sculptures to enjoy as you walk the trail.

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This would be a wonderful romantic getaway or it could also be a fun family trip. I hope you will have an opportunity to visit this wonderful museum soon.