Category Archives: Couple Activities

The Power of Gratitude – Setting Yourself Up to Feel Good

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Nothing is more powerful than remembering all the “good things” in our life to counteract the distressing feelings that seek to creep in during these very challenging times. 

As we approach Thanksgiving, this can be a time to pause and reflect on the good things that are happening all around us. Clearly being mindful of and holding these things within us, letting them sink in and take root is a welcome balm to sooth and reassure us we are going to be ok. 

We can use this time as a reboot to begin to see the good that gets lost among all the hard parts we are going through right now. This upcoming season is known for the light that comes through during the darkest part of the year. Gratitude can pave the way.

Consider starting a regular “gratitude practice”. There are many ways to do this. I am offering some examples to get you thinking as to you creating your own unique practice. 

Starting a Gratitude Practice

  • Dinner Gratitude Ritual – We can start this during this Thanksgiving Time or anytime we so desire. Having a nightly dinner ritual were we all let our family know what we are grateful or thankful or happy for that happened that day. Even if you live by yourself you can take note of the good that has occurred. What a lovely way to end of the day.
  • Blessing Jar or Happy Jar – This can be named in whatever way is a fit for you personally or for your family. It can be done just for yourself or for your family. This can be set up to be done spontaneously or can be done in a routine, set time. Some families like to do this during their weekly family meeting or Sunday meal together. You can experiment and see what fits best. Very simply have paper and pen next to a jar. I like to use mason jars and start with a new one each year, labeling what year it is. Of course, one could use a box or any other container. You or your family could decorate the outside of the container to personalize it if you would like. Or it could just be a simple jar with the year marked on the lid. Having a time when you review all your blessing each year is a nice way to end the year, reflecting on all the good that has occurred.
  • Gratitude Journal – This is normally done individually. But could be a family one as well. Most folks who do these will write down 3-5 things or as many as they like of what they feel grateful or thankful for that day. These can be very simple things. In fact remembering to notice these small things can really increase our good feelings. Some people will date their entry. Before going to bed is a great time to do this activity, letting all the good things sink in from the day.
  • Notes of Gratitude to Others – This is taking your gratitude practice to another level. When we share our gratitude with others it can feel so good to see how we have uplifted another person. It is a very special gift you have given. This of course can be done verbally as well. Sharing compliments and encouragement with our own family is so very important.
  • Gratitude Affirmations – You can collect or make up these affirmations of gratitude and thankfulness. Saying them at the beginning and / or end of the day or spontaneously when you feel you need them can help to rewire your brain to see more of the good. And isn’t this what we all want – to feel good.

Expressing gratitude for the good things in your life will lead to more good things. When we focus on the good, we find more good coming into our life. I wish you the very best as you begin your own gratitude practice.

It’s All in the Detail – Highlighting the Good and Increasing Your Happiness and Others

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woman with flowers around her head not photo

Look for the detail and live in the right here and right now, leaving behind the past and future worry. Of course we need to at times reflect on the past or contemplate the future. But making sure we have a significant portion of our daily living in the present with focus on the detail is so refreshing and renewing for us. When we choose to focus on the positive details or what makes us happy that will bring us the most joy and happiness. And isn’t that what most of us want.

How to Bring More Present Centered Detail to Your Life to Increase Happiness

  1. Create a Daily Mindful Practice That Celebrates Detail. Choose each day to have some time that you consciously take time to see the detail in your environment and / or in your relationships.
  2. Use Your Five Senses to Find the Detail. Search for detail using your five senses: sight, sound, touch, hearing, and smell It is simply letting ourself sink into your senses to really be with something or someone.
  3. Detail the Happy. Let your detailed focus “highlight” or shine light on the POSITIVE and what makes you feel hopeful and happy.
  4. Pay the Detail Forward. Let others know the cool things you have noticed and appreciate, weather it is about what is around you or what you are grateful for or what you love or appreciate about them that you have noticed when you are wearing your “look for happy detail glasses”.
  5. Play Back the “Feel Good” Details to Enjoy the Benefits. You now have stored some detailed happy feelings from the detail you have chosen to notice, You can go back and access these memories whenever you like. They become stronger and more wired in your brain when you do this.

Enjoy each and every day finding the beautiful things around you. And look at the relationships in your life and find the small things that others do for you and let them know how much you appreciate this. Pay it forward!

 

 

 

 

Play for a Calmer, Happier You and for Better Relationships

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photo by noah silliman

We all want to feel happy and be connected with our loved ones. Play is a natural way for us to feel light and joyful thus spilling over into feelings of happiness and passing that on to the ones we love. Sounds pretty simple. But with our busy schedules and endless “to do” lists and activities, it may take some conscious effort to make this happen.

As this is National Play Therapy Week, February 3-9, I thought this may be a good time to share some thoughts about play and some of it’s wonderful benefits. As a Registered Play Therapist I use play in a therapeutic way in my private practice. Not only is play helpful for children. It is helpful for adolescents and adults as well. Play is truly healing and restorative. It is connecting and relationship building. Play is a wonderful preventative prescription as it requires the focus of being in “the moment”, not worrying about the past or the future.

Let’s look at ways to incorporate more play into your life. And how to do so in the most healthy ways possible.

Play for YOU to Rejuvenate and Relax

photo by ariana prestes
  1. Choose Something That You Really Like or Love, Just for the Pure Enjoyment of It. The key here is YOU and what YOU enjoy and brings YOU pleasure. This is not exercise or your yoga practice, etc. Even though these should bring you pleasure and feel good.
  2. Choose a Time That You Can Focus on the Playful Time and Let Go of the Past or the Future. Just allowing a time for you and the feeling of playfulness and joy.
  3. Choose Something that is Lighthearted and Fun. There is lots of time we spend in our life being serious. This is a  good thing. But we all need balance.   Pure fun is such a freeing  feeling that gives us a break from our worry.. So give yourself this gift.  You  deserve it!
  4. Take a Break From Your “TO DO LIST”. Doesn’t that sound wonderful. Just not doing anything on this list will open up space to be playful and rejuvenate your spirit.

Some possible playful ideas for YOU:

  • Spend time in nature, enjoying all that you love in the outdoor setting.
  • Cuddle up with and play with your animals.
  • Ride your bike or take a walk in a slow, enjoyable way, taking in all around you. This is different than exercise, more a meditative activity.
  • Spend time doing something that brings you joy. Maybe it is cooking or maybe it is painting or writing or playing music or shooting some hoops. Do what brings you joy.

“Playfully Yours” Couple Time

photo by scott web

We start out being playful and having fun in our relationships. And as time goes by, you may find this is less so. As one person said to me, “Life gets in the way.” Our lives do become more full with families and more demanding work, etc. So let’s look at ways we can keep the playful / fun in our couple relationships.

  1. Schedule Time for Fun. That may sound not too playful. But for some folks it is the only way “fun” happens. This can be a weekly date night or date day. It is a great start. This can evolve into more spontaneous playfulness
  2. Create the Atmosphere and Space for Spontaneous Playfulness. Inject a light heartened response, initiate playful behavior, be flirtatious, etc. Be a “playful person” whenever you can. All this contributes to a more light, positive feeling. Share more positive than negative to help allow for more playfulness to emerge.
  3. Recognize and Remember the Value of Keeping a Playful Connection. This is a basic core piece of a healthy, vibrant relationship. A playful connection is needed to keep our relationship alive and well. It is a component that we need to nurture and see as important.
  4. Couple Time is not Group Couple Time. Sometimes we will lump spending time with a group of friends as a couple activity. It is and it is not. True couple time is just the two of you focusing on each other and having fun and being playful together.
  5. Brainstorm What Playful Things You Want to Do Together. Update with each other what you feel you are missing or really want to do that would make you feel more connected and more happy. Then put them into action.

Family Play Time

photo by caroline hernandez

Playing together as a family is so “up there” as to healthy family functioning. It helps to build strong, connected relationships. This in turn helps as we do the job of guiding and leading our children. Children respond more cooperatively and have a stronger attachment to parents when the relationship is a balance of playful connection and positive guidance.

In our busy, full lives it can feel challenging to incorporate time for play. But we really need to do so. It may mean looking carefully at what our children and we as adults are involved in. We cannot do it all as much as we would all like to. Of course age of children and special circumstances will play into our decisions.

Things to Consider in Planning Family Play Times

  1. Consider your children and their age, choosing something that is a developmental fit / age appropriate for them. This will increase their enjoyment as well as yours. In addition, this will set the stage for a successful family play time.
  2. Think about what your children enjoy, what their passions are and try to make sure these things are a part of the mix. This does not mean we cannot expose them to new things. Alternating what is done with family play time with the different interests within the family is a good thing – helping to give children the gift of being tolerant and ok with doing a variety of things.
  3. Create a balance of at home and out of the home play times. This is a great modeling of helping children know you can  create your own fun in your own home and know you do not have to have a lot of money to do so. Of course it is fun to do adventures out of the house. But again they do not have to be grand vacations. There is lots to do locally and within neighboring towns. And of course, special vacations are great as well.
  4. Parent / Child Dates for Individual One on One Time. It can be very connecting to have one on one Parent / Child Dates or Play Times if  you feel your children crave individual time. Of course this means making sure all your children have their turn to keep harmony within your family.

I wish for you a deep rejuvenation and more happiness as you experience more play in your life. And I wish you well as you as create more playful times within your relationship.

PROFESSIONAL DISCLOSURE: THIS BLOG IS OFFERED AS EDUCATIONAL INFORMATION AND IS NOT OFFERED AS PROFESSIONAL THERAPEUTIC SERVICES. THIS IS NOT INTENDED TO SERVE AS TREATMENT. FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP CONTACT YOUR LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. STROM INDIVIDUAL AND FAMILY THERAPY IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ACTION OR NON ACTION YOU TAKE IN REGARD TO THIS ARTICLE.

Setting & Keeping Healthy Holiday Boundaries

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photo by andrew-walton

As we are now immersed in the holiday season, it is a good time to decide if it is gong the way we want it to go. There are so many ways to celebrate and so many activities to be involved in. Lots of decisions as to what to do within this potentially beautiful time of the year. So getting a clear vision of what you want is a good start  The second part can sometimes be the more challenging one – setting boundaries.

Here are Five Tips in Setting Healthy Holiday Boundaries

  1. Creating a Vision of What You Do Want. This is the first step in creating healthy holiday boundaries. What is it that you most want and desire for the holidays? What kinds of things would you see  yourself doing if you were creating a holiday that you most wish to create?
  2. Sharing Your Vision with Your Partner and Children. This may or may not be their vision. So it may mean being able to collaborate and find a way you can all have some things you most desire. Or you may have two visions – one for you and one for your family, coming to a place of self-care and of spending conscious mindful time with your family.
  3. Set Healthy Respectful Boundaries to Protect Your Emotional and Physical Self. If you feel something is just too much or you really do not want to participate in something, it is ok to say no. We can say this tactfully and politely. But we can say no. We can suggest something else that will work for us. Or we can just say no. This is hard ,for we all want others to be happy with us. But in the end we really need to do what is best for us and our emotional and physical health. If we are concerned about hurting feelings, we can say something positive and express our caring if we feel the other person will see our no as a rejection.
  4. Whatever You Decide, Enjoy Each Moment in a Mindful Way. Be good with what you decide. Try not to second guess yourself. Or feel guilty or selfish. Your job is to be joyful and take good care of yourself. I am not saying we do not care or assist others, just that we do it in a way that balances with what really works for us. It may be it feels good to do something extra for somebody. The thing is that we are doing it because it is what we really want to do or feel is the best for us in the long run. It is all about the many choices that lay in front of us and mindfully choosing.

Enjoy this wonderful holiday season. Peace and light to you all.

 

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photo by alexey-kuzmin

 

Professional Disclosure: This blog is offered as educational information and is not offered as professional therapeutic services. This is not intended to serve as treatment. For professional help contact your local mental health professional. Strom Individual and Family Therapy is not liable for any action or non action you take in regard to this article.

 

Less Serious, More Playful

Less Serious, More Playful

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Feel like your life is one endless stream of “to do” tasks? All work, no play. You can go through your life seriously “serious” all the time. I have to admit I tend to run this way, full of purpose … Continue reading →

How to Create What YOU Really Want for the Holidays Ahead

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happy-holidays-with-snow-and-penquin

I cannot believe I am writing a blog post on this, but it has already began – the thinking, the obsessing, the worrying, the planning, the stressing about the holidays ahead. The four upcoming holidays can feel like they all merge together into one massive overwhelm. It can be hard to separate them out. But of course it does not have to be that way. I want to share some ideas on creating holidays that are truly what YOU want. And now is the time to contemplate all of this – at the beginning of this time frame.

It is so easy to get caught up in it all and end up doing things you may not really want to do. Or to sometimes not really plan and end up not doing what you really want to do with your holiday time. So here are some ideas to consider.

 Questions you might ask yourself about the upcoming holidays that may help you be the true “creator” of  YOUR  holidays:

  1. What would my perfect holiday times look like? What would I be doing? Who would I be with? Ex. – For some it may mean enjoying time with loved ones. or slowing down to enjoy a special what ever it might be.
  2. What does each holiday really mean to me? Or what do I want it to mean to me? Ex. –  One family may say it is a time to reflect on what we are really thankful for?
  3. Does what I do reflect what I want my holiday to look like and be about? Ex. – Yes and No. Maybe yes we spend time together. But no there is too much competition with iPhones, video games, etc.
  4. What are my most favorite memories of past holidays? What was I doing? Ex.- One child may say when we had the snow ball fight in the front yard. Dad may say, when we went out looking at holiday lights and had hot chocolate after. Mom may say when we all made a holiday meal together.
  5. What are my most un-favorite memories and what can I do to avoid these from happening again? Ex. – This might be for some – the stressing and rushing and overwhelm.
  6. Do my holidays all merge together without a real feel of truly enjoying each one for what they are? A very good question, are we really mindfully enjoying each holiday?

Develop a Flexible Plan That Fits You and Your Family

  • Meet together as a couple or a family to talk about some of the above questions.
  • Decide together (or for yourself if you are single) what your main goals for the holiday are. Is it to relax? To be with family? Enjoy special holiday activities? Celebrate a particular religious belief? A mix?
  • As a couple or family you can put together a flexible plan of the kinds of things you want to do and begin gradually to work toward this.  Incorporating everyone’s ideas is very important if you are in a family or as a couple.
  • Keep in mind that too much will feel overwhelming for most people and that thoughtful choices are a much better route to go. It is not so much about how much you can pack in, but incorporating what you most want to do and really taking time to ENJOY it.
  • Try to stay open and flexible as plans shift and change as they will at times. Knowing you can be happy even if things do not happen exactly as planned.

My hope for you and your family is that you create what you most want and desire. Happy Holidays to you and your family!  holly-leaf-small

Professional Disclosure: This blog is offered as educational information and is not offered as professional therapeutic services. This is not intended to serve as treatment. For professional help contact your local mental health professional. Strom Individual and Family Therapy is not liable for any action or non action you take in regard to this article.

How to Talk About A Problem Keeping Your Loved One Engaged And Without Withdrawing

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communicating simba and lion king look of overwhelm

Ever need to have a “conversation” with your loved one, but just don’t know how to do it. You just know they are going to shut down and not really talk with you about re-solving the issue when you bring it up.  You are not alone. I see many clients who choose not tell their spouse or partner how they feel or that they are having a problem with something that is going on within the relationship.

So let’s look at some specifics as to how to talk to your sweetheart when you are upset or have a concern that will help keep them engaged and not withdraw.

How to Talk About A Problem  Keeping Your Loved One Engaged And Without Withdrawing

  1. Share your feelings when they are low-level enough that you can talk without overpowering emotion. The longer you wait to share your feelings of upset, the more intense the discussion will be when you do have it. The more chance you will have of saying something in a way that you do not want to. When your feelings are manageable, so will the following discussion.
  2. On the other hand, let go of very small things that really do not matter that you can be ok with.  Pointing out every small thing that occurs that you may not like or feels a bit irritating can lead your partner to feeling overwhelmed, which leads to them checking out or “feeling flooded” with too much.
  3. One thing at a time helps. Avoid a stream of upset. This helps with your loved one staying in the conversation and not leaving or withdrawing (either physically or emotionally). Not being engaged can be a sign of being flooded or overwhelmed. This is a basic form of protection. When we over share, it normally means we have just let things pile up instead of addressing things as we go. Or it could mean we are clumping our upset with something else into the relationship issue. This could be other stress going on in our life.
  4. Know your partner’s sensitivities or wounds and consider how they filter information. If you know that your husband was highly criticized growing up, then he will be sensitive to comments that have any feel of criticism. So you may choose to keep that in mind when you have an issue to address. It does not mean you do not share, it just means you are aware and use language that they can hear without being triggered.
  5. Use a “Gentle Startup” as the Gottman Institute would suggest.  A harsh start-up or a highly charged, critical approach will not lead to a productive conversation.
  6. Admit your part in the issue at hand. By taking responsibility for what you have done that has not helped with this situation, you create a less accusatory conversation.
  7. Consider when you approach with a problem or concern. Most of us do not do well with facing a problem at the end of the day as we walk in the door. That is normally when we are tired and hungry and want to decompress from the day. This is not always easy as to finding a “good” time. It may be what is the best from what is available. One possibility is to set up a time to discuss an issue.
  8. Keep your voice at a low-level and avoid accusing. Instead voice your need and ask how you might work on this together. This would mean both of you offering up ways you can shift or adapt to makes things better.

I think one of the biggest keys to resolving issues is to keep everyone engaged and not going into “shut down” mode. This comes with engaging some of the suggestions above. I wish you the best as you engage your loved one in positive communication, one of the foundations for a good relationship.

 

 

Bixby “Pumpkin Patch” – A Fun Family or Couple Activity

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pumpkins with people and counry in background at pumpkin patch IMG_7755 (2)

If you have not been to Bixby’s Pumpkin Patch in a while, you should go check it out. We had not been in a couple of years and were surprised at the wide variety of things to do. This would be a wonderful fall break activity or any time in October. Their last day is October 31. So you have a few more weekends to have a bit of fun in the Bixby countryside. For those of you that do not know, Bixby is South of Tulsa, going straight out on Memorial. Bixby is known as one of Oklahoma’s strong produce areas due to its rich dark soil, being close to the Arkansas river.

Here are the “basic’s” as to info on the Pumpkin Patch:

What: “The Pumpkin Patch”, which is associated with Carmichael’s Produce on South Memorial (but not at the same location)  has pumpkins of all sizes, colors and shapes , plus other decorative fall produce and corn stalks. Animals (lots of babies and mamas) of all kinds. Camel Rides. A Cane Maze. A Pony Go Round with Live Ponies. Hay Bale Climbing Area. Wagon Ride.  A Concession Stand. And more.

Where: 17137 S. Mingo, Bixby, OK (South East Corner of 171st and Mingo). Steve Carmichael suggested I remind folks that you will need to go down Memorial and over the Arkansas river into Bixby before you can access Mingo in the Bixby area.  This is slightly into the country. Yahoo! The best contact number is: 918-366-4728. This is Carmichael’s Produce number and they are best able to answer questions for you about the Pumpkin Patch.

When: Current – October 31, 2015. 9:00 am – 7:00 pm   Monday – Saturday   &   10:00 am – 7:00 pm Sunday

Why: For a Very Fun Fall Family or Couple Activity. For all ages.  And there is no entrance fee.

Come take a picture tour of some of the things to see and do at the “Pumpkin Patch”

goat mama with two babies one nursing pumpkin patch

Mama Goat and her Babies

sheep pair at pumpkin patch

A Pair of Beautifully Marked Sheep

porcqupine at pumpkin patch close up

A Gorgeous Porcupine

rabbit close up at pumpkin patch FullSizeRender (21)

A Pretty Rabbit

There are many more animals to enjoy, but too numerous to include. You will find chickens, pigs, horses, camels and more. So if you are an animal lover, you will love this. Many of the children were enjoying feeding all of these sweet creatures.

pony carosel with real ponies at pumpkin patch

A Fun Real Pony Carousel

tanna in maize maze at pumpkin patch

Enter the Cane Maze

This was actually much larger than we realized. It was so much fun to weave in and out of the paths. Scare Crows were placed throughout the maze. A fun walk for a family or as a couple. So hope you will consider this fun venue that is only open in October. Here is to lots of fall fun!

Creating Your “Couple’s Bucket List”

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bucket with two plants closeup

Maybe you have your own bucket list, but do you have a “Couple’s Bucket List”? If not it may be a good time to do so if you are in a long-term, committed relationship. I have put together some thoughts as how to get started.

Why Make a “Couples Bucket List”?

  1. It can help activate discussion and  clarify what things are important to you as a couple.
  2. It can create a sense of cohesiveness with creating shared goals.
  3. It can build shared purpose.
  4. It is a first step toward designing a life you want together.

 

What Goes on a “Couple’s Bucket List”?

  • This can be shared goals. Things you have decided that are important to you as a couple.
  • This can be experiences you wish to have together.
  • This can be a place you want to go visit as a couple.
  • This could be a restructured way of living or being for the both of you.

Here is an example of a “Couple’s Bucket List”. This is not mine or anyone that I know. Just one I created to help you have some ideas as to what yours might look like. There is no wrong or right way to do this. It is what fits for you and your loved one.

John and Susan’s Bucket List

  1. Travel to Europe
  2. Weekly Date Night
  3. Learn How to Tango
  4. Weekend Cabin in the Woods
  5. Learn to Scuba Dive Together
  6. Totally Free Weekends with No Work
  7. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity as a Couple

 

 

bucket with two plants longshot with table and two chairs

The Steps in Putting Together Your “Couple’s Bucket List”

  1. Schedule some time with your sweetheart and brainstorm some ideas as to what might possibly go on your “Couple’s Bucket List”. Be spontaneous and carefree with your ideas. Plus,  include some time to be more thoughtful and reflective as you generate  ideas.
  2. Then go back through together and decide what is a fit for both of you.
  3. Create your list and put it somewhere where you both can see it. You might consider just for fun to put your list on a bucket shaped piece of paper you create or download from the internet.
  4. And of course lastly, begin to take some steps toward living your bucket list. You probably will not work on all of these at once. That may be a bit overwhelming, but you can choose one item that you both feel strongly about or that you feel is doable for the current time and take a small, concrete step toward this shared dream.

Variations of Bucket Lists for Couples:

  • A general list that is more long-term in nature
  • A more specific time oriented list, for example for a particular season or time frame.
  • A list of what you want to do before you have children or while you have children or when your children leave home.
  • Do as a yearly couple’s  ritual at the beginning pf the new year. After the first year it would be an updating. Your thoughts will change and shift of course with time and as you grow as a couple. Plus, it would be a great time to do a check in and see what progress you have made on your “couple bucket list”.

So what is on your bucket list???  Have fun creating your own special “couple’s bucket list”!