Tag Archives: Happiness

Five Ways to Create the POSITIVE Person YOU Want to Be

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sunshine riverparks

Do you want to feel positive with a sense of well-being? Most of us do. It makes sense to want to feel lighter and calmer. Others will like you better when you are showing this side of yourself. They will find they feel positive and uplifted as well. It is such a lovely chain reaction.  So how do we get to this “happy place”?

Here are Five Basics for Creating the POSITIVE Person YOU Want to Be.

1. Be Mindful of Your “Thought Life”

One way to start the process of becoming a more positive person is to listen to what you are saying to yourself and to others around you. How positive is your thought life? Of course no one is positive all the time.  We are all human and we will have upsets. But this is really the first step in assessing where you are in your path to becoming a more positive person. So make a point to really hear yourself. Are your thoughts and feelings what you want?

2.  Stress Less – It’s All in Perception

When we are stressed, we open our self for negativity to set in. It is hard not to be negative when we feel overwhelmed or that it is just all too much. So finding ways to lower your stress level is a foundation piece. Many times it is our perception of how we view what is going on around us that makes a situation stressful. If things do not go the way you planned, it is normal to feel frustrated and lean toward feeling negative. But if you can stop and know it is all ok. It will all fall in place. Maybe just not in the way you planned. It will feel better.  If we expect perfection from ourselves or others this too will cause upset. As we all know none of us are perfect and we all do the best we can. Be kind to yourself and others. Trying to remember what is really important in the grander scheme of things can help.  When we remember that we can choose our feeling state and our reaction to something, it is very freeing and allows us to move in a confident, positive manner.

3.   Acknowledge Your Upset Feelings and Move to a Higher Positive Feeling

So now you are really hearing yourself. And you can hear the negative talk you do not like or does not make you feel good. Tuning into how you feel is an excellent guide to letting you know if  you need to regroup and go down another path. When we feel good, we are normally on the path to being the positive person we want to be. So if you are feeling badly, no need to deny it. It is good to be in touch with your core feelings. Sometimes that means you will be sad or mad or anxious. It’s ok. After recognizing and acknowledging your upset feelings, you can move on to a higher, better feeling state. It is a choice you can make. You can let go of your upset and move on.  For example: You wake up and you are feeling overwhelmed. You might say to yourself. “It is all too much. I just can’t do it.” You might acknowledge to yourself your core upset and then do a shift, “Yes I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know all will fall into place. I will do the most important things first. It will all be ok.”

4.  Create an Environment that Helps You to Be Positive

Fill your self with what is positive. Things to consider are: what you are watching on tv and the internet, what you are reading, what and who you are listening to. What we surround ourselves with makes a difference. So hang with happy, positive people, watch uplifting shows and programs, read inspirational materials. It all becomes a part of you!

5.  Focus on “The Good”

On purpose focus on what is going well, what you are looking forward to, who is bringing joy in your life.  Absorb and let all that good soak in and let it be a part of you. Some concrete things that you find helpful are: Keeping a Gratitude Journal, Writing, Speaking or Listening to Positive Affirmations, Meditation. Create a “Grateful Mindset” as this will keep you focused on all that is good in your life.

Becoming more positive is a journey. The goal is not to ignore upset feelings. But to come to a place where you honor those upset feelings and then choose to let them go and move on to a higher, better place where more calmness and feelings of well-being can prevail. Best wishes on your journey!

 

BEING POSITIVE GROWS MORE POSITIVE 

 

 

 

How to Create More Peace, More Fun, More Joy

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Cat resting on top of my desk papers

How high is your paper pile? As you can see mine had gotten pretty high. My kitty cat has reminded me it is time to take a break. Sometimes it takes an outside source for me to slow down and regroup. But many times I find if I listen to that small voice within I know when it is time to take a break and refresh. What are some of the signs that tell you it is time to slow down?

Here are FIVE sure signs that you may need a break.

  1. You continue to have accidents, maybe small ones, like running into things, dropping things, finding you have made mucho many mistakes in emails you have sent out, etc.
  2. You cannot find things. Maybe you find your keys in the refrigerator. Not good!
  3. You find your communication has gotten shorter and curter and more to the point. You find you are in conflict more with your loved ones.
  4. You don’t feel you are enjoying life. There is no time for that. You are too busy!
  5. You have a sense of unease that tells you that all is not well. Or you may not feel well straight up. Our bodies are “our friends”. They try to tell us when we are going “too fast” or needing to regroup. In fact, most of us will eventually just get sick and our bodies will just shut us down if we don’t listen.

There are times for all of us that we just feel it is all too much and we need a break. So why don’t we? Good question. Sometimes it really does feel like we don’t have a choice. We are under a deadline or someone else is counting on us and we don’t want to let them down. We might worry what others might think. Or it may be that we have just got in a “habit” of being too busy.

It may not really be so much about how much we have going on in our life, but how we perceive it. Are you a half full or half empty person? Our thinking effects how happy we are and how we cope with everyday stressors.

All this said, we still all need to relax and recuperate – taking time to do something that is just for us or do something that brings us immense joy. Of course the best is when we can fill our life with things that bring us joy and happiness. It is also important to note that we all have our own special speed that feels best for us. Some folks just operate at a higher frequency level. That is ok as long as it feels good and it brings us feelings of happiness.

So to end here are FIVE ways to have more PEACE, more FUN, more JOY.

  1. Put a protective shield around yourself. Imagine whatever image works for you. For example: A bright, white protective light around yourself that keeps you calm and stable and not affected by outside pressures and upsets. At a self-care workshop I did for therapists, I had one participant use a super hero cape to wrap around herself. You will have your own image come to mind. This protective shield is not to say you ignore your family or not be sensitive to others. It actually allows you to be more sensitive when you choose not to let the “yuck” stuff into yourself inner space.
  2. Let the good in. Author and Neuro-Psychologist  Rick Hanson advocates letting more of the good into our lives. Focusing on those parts of our life that bring us joy. So many times this is the little things in our lives. It is just slowing down long enough to see them and feel the wonder of “letting the good in”.
  3.  Clear the clutter, develop a space that feels peaceful for you. This may look different for different folks. But space clearing can  help in feeling more calm and creating an environment that leads to a more peaceful feeling.
  4. Remember you don’t have to be perfect. We are all human. And no one is perfect. We all do the best we can and that is enough.
  5. Take a BREAK. It is ok. Remember a break can be a 5 minute break, a 20 minute break, an evening break or a week break. They all count and help us to find that peaceful place that resides within. And as you know it will all be there when you come back. But when you come back you will have a fresh new look at it. Take a break to ENJOY yourself and your loved ones around you. They count big time in the grand scheme of things.

Note about my blog break: For those of you who follow my blog. I chose to take off from my blog for about a month to take a vacation, attend to some new projects that took some extra focus and regroup. So I am back and ready to go. In other words, I took a BREAK. And you can too. Best wishes in finding that happy balance of work and play!

 

 

 

 

 

Love From the Inside Out

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 self love woman with word love on hand

Which is more important loving yourself or loving others?  That should cause some discussion. I think the other question is  “Where does self-love start and does one need to love themselves to be able to love others in a healthy way?”

Love starts when we are infants. How we are raised and what messages we are given about ourselves has a profound affect on how we view ourselves and if we have a good self-esteem and if we truly love who we are. Our life experiences outside of our home also plays a part in how we feel about ourselves. This affects our relationships. How we feel about ourselves will affect our choice of partners and friends, etc. It will color our view of relationships. If you did not have an optimal childhood there are ways to work through all of this and have a healthy relationship. Being with a healthy person in your relationship can help with some of the reparative work.

To sum up some of the main ideas on the issue of self-love and love of others:

  1. Love starts with loving yourself.  If you question whether you love yourself or even like yourself, then it is time to look at this and begin a love affair with yourself. This is something that cannot be taken away from you.  It is the ultimate gift we can give our self. When we feel good about ourselves just the way we are. it opens up this wonderful space to be really HAPPY. If you have had a difficult childhood, this may mean getting some help to work through this. But it can be done.
  2. If you want others to show their love to you, starting with showing your love is a good way to get this two-way flow going. When we are open with our love and support for our loved ones, then this tends to flow back to us. If it is not flowing back, then it is ok to let folks know what you need. This may be different for different folks. Many of you are probably familiar with the Five Love Languages. The basic premise is that we have a dominant preference for what makes us feel loved. For some it may be receiving gifts. Others it may be acknowledgement and praise. For some it might be acts of service (ex. helping). Then there are those that feel loved most when they are physically touched. Some thrive on quality time.  And then lastly, it may be that you are multi-faceted, like me – I like all of these!  The main point of all of this is that we can lovingly and respectfully tell our loved ones what we need.
  3. Back to loving yourself. This is where it starts and ends. You must love yourself just as you are unconditionally to feel good about yourself. Plus. if for some reason others are not giving you the love you need you can not only communicate your needs, but you can have the basic foundation piece in place “LOVING YOURSELF” which will always serve you well. You might be wondering what does this really mean, loving yourself? For me loving my self is to live authentically, choosing my work and activities to match up with what I am passionate about and what I believe in. And it means good self-care along with caring about my happiness and those I love. You will have your own definition that fits for you.

couple face to face black and white photo

Loving “from the inside out” is loving yourself first, thus allowing your love to then be given to others in a healthy way. Remember you are unique and lovable just the way you are!

love yourself on a beach

Why Hang with Happy People?

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couple young laughing together

Does it matter who we spend our time with? I think it does. When we hang with happy people, we feel happier. I was just listening to an audio book on brain research and love and within this framework there was a discussion about “mirror neurons” in our brain. The mirror neurons in our brain help us to be attuned to those around us. So we search for how another feels and our brain internally mirrors that emotion. It is like we experienced it ourselves. So when we spend large amounts of time with those who are upset or unhappy we may find ourselves feeling this way also. If your friends are negative there will be a strong feel to want to be negative also. Or if your significant other is depressed a lot it may feel as if your mood tends to gravitate to this emotion. I am not saying that we all do not have times of upset and don’t  need to process this with another. We do. I am talking about those who are never happy or always upset and expressing it to all around them.

friends two couples laughing

We spent some time with some good friends for a get together at our house this last weekend. I always feel so good when I see these friends. They are happy, positive and upbeat. And I find myself feeling positive and upbeat when we end our time with them. This is not to say we are not REAL with each other about struggles and disappointments. We are.  It feels good to know there is no judgement, but there is always a shift and general positive feel that all is well.

So let’s think about how we can put more happy people in our life and how we can deal with those who are not so happy.

  1. We do have a choice who we hang with, for the most part. Yes we have to work with a certain group of people or at least unless we choose to work with another group of folks. This of course is something to consider if it an extreme situation. We can choose how much time to spend with different friends. We can choose to limit our time or not spend time with a negative friend. You do have control of how you spend your time and sometimes it may mean putting boundaries in place as to time spent with people you know that are very negative and do nothing to bring any happiness to your life.
  2. Lead the way, in choosing to focus on your own happy, positive feelings. You will find that it grows those kinds of feelings in those around you. In addition, you will find that folks will want to hang with you because it feels so very good to be around you. Happy attracts happy! Again, sharing upset feelings and being real is part of being human. The point is trying to balance and have your scales weight toward the happy, upbeat “half full” view of life. You can set the tone with those around you. 
  3. On purpose get together with those folks who are more positive by nature. Your brain will collect their happy, positive thoughts as though you had them yourself.
  4. If you are with a person who is not happy, reflect and acknowledge their feelings so they can feel heard and then gently move toward what might make them feel better.
  5. Consider your couple relationships and how they affect your own relationship. If you have couple friends who are unhappy and are in conflict with one another it can breed a feeling of not being satisfied. Like attracts like. Or I suppose in this case unlike attracts unlike.  When you are with couple friends who are loving and kind to each other, it serves as a reminder that this is what you are striving for also.
  6. When dealing with family members who are “in a mood’, try to be empathetic but avoid being drawn into the depths of their upset.  Just as with friends, acknowledge their upset, listen to what they need to say to process the upset and then invite them to a better place where they can let some good in. Let them know you love them and are there for them, this in itself can turn the tide toward a brighter outlook.  parent and teen talking
  7. If you are not feeling very happy, you might consider seeking out one of your friends or family members who radiate a feeling of caring and has a positive attitude. Yes be real and process those feelings, but be with someone who can help remind you of the good stuff going on in your life.

So . . . go hang with as many happy people as you can. You will be so glad you did!

How Counting Your Blessings Can Lead to More Happiness

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Beautiful young woman looking in the mirror

Sometimes we don’t feel so blessed and we don’t feel so happy. We feel down and discouraged at times. We are human. It happens. So what can we do to create more happiness? And does “counting our blessings” really have anything to do with happiness? I think it does. Here is my take on how they interconnect with one another.

THE GAME PLAN FOR  COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS AND CREATING MORE HAPPINESS:

  • Decide for yourself, “What is a blessing?” You might ponder this a bit, what you consider a blessing. For me a blessing can mean multiple things. A blessing can be something that has in some way furthered what I consider my purpose OR has provided a basic need or a want OR has protected me in some way OR has brought me happiness or joy in some way  OR has been what I call a “good” or positive thing and more. Basically all the “GOOD” stuff that happens to us. That said, at times I know sometimes what we think is a negative thing or a closing of a door can in the end be a blessing or a good thing. 
  •  Actively be on the “look out” for the blessings you have in your life. Your blessings come in all sizes. And they all count! Sometimes it may feel like the smaller ones don’t count as much, but they do. Those little blessings accumulate and add up to make a true difference. So let what you call “little blessings” count. Actively look for them each and every day. Of course, you want to look for those medium and large blessings as well.
  • Every time you acknowledge your blessings, you activate more of them. It gives you a sense of hope when you are having a hard time and you notice the small blessings in your life. As you begin to notice them, you will find they start appearing and coming up more often. We attract what we focus on.
  • Talk about your blessings. Talk those blessings up. Tell your husband, your children, your friends, your co-workers and anyone else that you encounter. I am not talking about bragging, but letting others know what you appreciate about what is going on in your life. You may inspire others along the way to re-look at how they view life.
  • Be thankful for your blessings and express gratitude. This may be to a spiritual being or to a person who you feel had a hand in creating these blessing or both or to whatever fits for you. This expression of gratitude helps us to set in motion feelings of well-being or happiness.
  • Focus on your blessings and see your happiness grow! When we focus on what is good going on in our life – the little, the medium and big things, happiness finds us. It is a lovely circle we can create.

So count your blessings. You will be glad you did!

 

How to Let Go and Be Happy

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sad girl with hand on face clip art

Are you wanting to let go, but find it hard? Holding on and being stuck in our upset can cause much unhappiness. Learning to “let go” and “be happy” is easier than we may think. So what does it mean to let go?  Here is a summary of my take on what it means to let go and make room for happiness to come into your life.

First of all what letting go is not about. It is not about letting others be abusive or treat us badly and decide it is ok.  It is not about letting a situation continue that is unhealthy.

Letting go is about – CHOOSING to let something not be the “focus”and move on to a different place, CHOOSING to let in the good, CHOOSING to be happy, CHOOSING to live in the now.  It is about focusing on OUR response. 

 happy couple looking at each other on a lawn clip art

What do we need to do to get to the place where we can feel we are ready to let something go? Here are a few things to consider as you think about incorporating more “letting go” into your life.

  1. First of all, acknowledge and give honor to your upset feelings. Your feelings are important and your guide posts as to helping you know what needs to be addressed and possibly not addressed. Regardless, how you feel is important. You have a right to your feelings, all of them.
  2. Consider what you are upset about. Is it worth your time and energy to carry it with you? Our upsets can be put on a very wide continuum. For example: A store clerk is rude. Traffic is extra tough and you get home 15 minutes later than normal. Someone does not agree with your idea in a meeting. Your husband forgets to tell you about a change in plans. Your child does not study for a test and gets a bad grade. Your cat throws up on your carpet. Most of the household chores are being done by you and you are not happy about it. All work and no play. Your partner is depressed and not responsive. You need more connection with your spouse or significant other. The doctor’s appointment does not go well and you have a serious diagnosis. Your mom dies and you are devastated. So, yes we  have a spectrum of what may be upsetting us.
  3. Are the small irritations and disappointments worth our time and focus? Probably not. We can acknowledge our feelings and decide to let it go. If it increases as a problem, we can choose to do something different. If your upset is moderate to big, we will have some additional steps to work through.
  4.   Larger upsets may require some action on our part. CHOOSING what to do after some thoughtful consideration is a part of this plan. Here are some possible things to consider.
  • Would it help to talk to someone? A neutral or supportive party? Or the person who is involved in the upset?
  • Simply talking about our feelings and acknowledging them helps to begin to lessen the power of these feelings. The intensity of how we feel can lesson and we can begin to see more clearly. 1) If you are choosing to talk with a supportive friend, consider one who is more of a listener opposed to telling you what to do.  2) If you choose to talk with the person who is involved in the upset, then try to do it when you are not in a high reactive state, but one on in which you feel you can talk in a low, calm thoughtful way as much as possible with a respectful tone. This will help to create an atmosphere in which the other person will be able to hear you without becoming defensive and be able to respond in a thoughtful way.
  • Deciding what you need to feel better and taking action to make that happen. If this involves another then it may mean exploring ideas that will work for both of you. This may be a process, but just beginning this interaction will take you where you want to go. It may mean letting go of rigid ideas of what has to happen to make it better. Seeing both sides and coming to a point that peace and what you both can live with may be the answer. This said, there may be some things that do not have a middle ground. For example a third-party involvement in a relationship or an ongoing drug or alcohol issue.  A decisive stance or action on your part my be part of what is needed. If this is an individual issue, it may involve deciding what is best for you and then moving toward this action.
  • Forgiveness may be a part of the plan. This is a letting go process and one that is not always simple. But it is attainable. Forgiveness is not saying you are ok with a betrayal or a hurtful interaction, etc. It is about choosing to come to a place of letting it go to let the good come back in. And beginning the process of re-building and healing.
  • Shift to a happier place. Begin to focus on what makes you feel happy. You can build on this, creating more of what you want in your life.

We all have to decide how much power we want something to have over us. Sometimes we may need to have a time of grief, especially with a significant loss. This is normal and part of what we may need. At some point with small or large things we can come to a point of deciding if we are ready to let go or at least partially let go and let the good stuff back into our life.  Happiness and joy is something we all deserve. We have the power to create the life we want.

Letting in the Good – Hardwiring Happiness

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California Poppies and Gazanias

As I woke up this am, I saw the filtered light peeking through my blinds, sparkling sunlight among the trees. I thought of the lovely phrase, “letting in the good” from the new book I have started reading, Hardwiring Happiness by Dr. Rick Hanson. He is an acclaimed  neuropsychologist whose focus is on the brain and how we can re-program our brain for more happiness.

It’s about “letting in the good” that comes into our life, really letting it sink in and remain a part of us. I love this idea and am up for letting more good come into my life. What about you?

Dr. Hanson talks about how our brains have evolved from their early beginnings, millions of years ago where we have what scientists call a “negative bias”  due to survival instinct and the primitive environment that surrounded us, with a high need to protect ourselves. You might think of tigers on the loose, hunting for food and shelter, competing for a mate, etc. Our evolving brain came from dealing with life and death on a daily basis. So still today our brains are always scanning for danger and potential threat and has a bias to remember negative things that occur or happen to us.

Finding ways to rewire our brain to have a more “positive bias” in its normal resting mode has been were Dr. Hanson has focused his work. His premise is that we should “let more of the good in” to sustain our happiness. I am doing a short recap of his main ideas of how to make this happen.  He calls this the HEAL process.

H     Have a Positive Experience.

E     Enrich It.

A     Absorb It.

L     Link Positive and Negative Material   (He says this last step is optional in the process)

 

In having a positive experience, this can be one that has happened or one that you go out and create. Let it feel emotionally rewarding.

In enriching the positive experience, he suggests that you fully open all of your good feelings around this experience. Let it fill your mind and body. Intensify the experience, really focusing on the small details and the lovely feelings you are having as you think about it. Think about how this is good for you in your life and how it is making a difference.

In absorbing a positive experience, you can think about the experience sinking into you. Using visualization can help to highlight and make it more powerful. You could see the experience flowing down into your body with a lovely soothing feeling. You will have your own imagery that fits for you.

The fourth step is more complex and optional. I would suggest reading his material on this process. The end result is to uproot negative material in our brain.

Hardwirng for Happiness book cover pic

Dr. Hanson’s web address is: RickHanson.net. You can check here for tools, practices, videos and information. You can purchase his book at Amazon.com.

Here is one of Rick Hanson’s videos on “Letting in the Good”.

I am excited to finish his book and hope you will find his material helpful in creating a more positive biased brain.  You will find it does feel good indeed to enrich and absorb more of the good stuff that comes your way.  I hope you will experiment a bit as I have been doing and each time a good feeling occurs, take 10 seconds or so and let it really sink in and enjoy.  You will be re-wiring your brain as you do  Here is to all of us  “letting in the good”!

 

Choosing to Be Happy – 5 Ways to Shift into the Happiness Mode

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happy-feet-penguin-smiley-emoticon

I found my self doing a “happy dance” this am. It just felt like a great day. I have found that we can choose to be happy. I used to think this was not true. But the more research I have done on happiness and the more life experiences I have had, I do now believe this to be true. In the therapy world we would talk about cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically what we think is what we get. So let’s talk about a few ways to make this shift into the Happiness Mode.

  1. Decide you want to be happy. Our brain or mind tends to scan for things that are wrong or are a danger. It is a self-protection measure. And maybe necessary at some level, but we don’t want to spend all of our time in this place. So make a decision that being happy is what you want. Because we have to first want something to make it happen. For those of you who are goal directed, you could even say it could be your goal.
  2. Choose to look at life as Half Full opposed to Half Empty.  Many of you are familiar with this metaphor for life. Which way do you look at life in general? If it is in the Half Empty mode, well this may be something to consciously work on. We are talking “attitude” here. It may take a bit of focus to shift but you can do so.
  3. Visualize, Visualize, Visualize what HAPPY would look like for you. The more you can see this, the more likely you will see this shift taking place. I find it most helpful to structure this into my day. One might consider visualizing before they get out of bed or maybe as they start their day. Ideally you would do this throughout the day for the biggest bang out of this wonderfully, powerful technique
  4. REFRAME the NEGATIVE stuff.  For example you find your favorite restaurant is closed unexpected, so you get to experience a new place. Or maybe your client cancels on you at the last-minute, so this may mean you get to spend a bit of extra time with your family. Or maybe, a project is taking much longer than you want it to, but you find that as it has taken longer it has given you time to really think thoughtfully and come up with ideas that you had not originally thought of.
  5. Look for the GOOD. Search it out. It is there. Back to our brain scanning for the bad stuff. As you will find it, remind yourself there is good too. And then LOOK for it specifically. Maybe at your meal with your family at the end of the day you can each share something GOOD that happened that day. It can be an encouraging kind of thing, reminding each other that the GOOD is out there. We just have to look for it. Plus what a great way to help kids to shift into the Happiness Mode.

happy-feet-smiley-emoticon

 

Here is to you doing your own “happy dance” today and every day.