Tag Archives: Stress Reduction

5 Ways to Help You Get Through the Holidays if You Are Grieving

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The holidays can be stressful for all of us. If you have had a recent loss or even one that is significant and years ago, it is even more challenging. We are all unique in how we grieve and that is important to take into account as to looking at the strategies I have listed. Doing what is best for you and your children is what is a general guiding principle.

1. ASSESS WHAT YOU & YOUR CHILDREN NEED FOR THE UPCOMING HOLIDAYS

Some questions that may help you access what you need.

  • What does your gut say what you need for yourself and / or for your children?
  • What kind of triggers are coming up for you and / or your children as the holidays approach? Note: Your children can be a toddler or a young adult or a not so young adult. They are always our children and part of being a parent is to help them through hard times.
  • What do you feel would be too much for you and your children?
  • What do you feel would feel best for you? Being at home? Activities outside of home? With what kind of balance?
  • Who do you want to be with / who feels supportive and really gets what is going on for you?
  • Are there some things that you absolutely do not want to do during the holidays?
  • Is there a way or ways you want to honor the person you have lost throughout the holidays?

2. DEVELOP A CUSTOM PLAN THAT IS BEST FOR YOU WITH SETTING NEEDED BOUNDARIES

  • Plan early.
  • Be flexible. Have some plan B’s. Consider not forcing what it turns out you really do not want to do in regard to what you originally planned. Or just feels like it is too much. It is ok to shift to what is needed.
  • Try to be respectful of your children’s grieving style, especially if it is different than yours. And be respectful of your own as well.
  • Decide what folks you want to spend time with and set up these together times early on so they can get be set in the busy holiday season. Plan as many get togethers as you feel you and your children need or want.
  • Sometimes we have well meaning friends or family that want us to do something we are not ready to do or may never want to do. This is up to us. We know what is best for us. We can respectably set boundaries or do what makes the most sense for us.

3. REMEMBERING ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID AND THERE IS NO NORMAL

  • As we grieve, we find that our feelings are like waves – up and down. It is ok to feel all of our feelings, the uncomfortable, distressing feelings and it is ok as well to have happy feelings too. Accepting our hard feelings is the first step in healing.
  • We will always have parts of the person we lost with us. And it is ok to miss them. And it is ok to continue a relationship with them, just in a different way. Incorporating what our individual beliefs are about after death can be helpful. This will vary for each person.

4. WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT DO YOU NEED &. PUTTING IT IN PLACE EARLY

  • Putting things in place early is important. This is particularly important with our support people. Everyone’s schedules get very busy during holiday months. And for most of us, we have an inner circle of people that really get us and help us through our toughest times. It is not a bad. thing to broaden our support network, just for this reason noted.
  • Of course, it may be a friend, a family member or a church or group we identify with that know what we are going through. This can help us to not feel so alone. Of course, some. people feel we are never truly alone, depending on your beliefs.

5. COPING STRATEGIES FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Having some ‘go to coping strategies’ for our grief is helpful. There is nothing wrong with expressing our feelings, but there may be times we choose to shift and reach for a better feeling. For some this is when we know we are going to be in a group and we want to keep it together or it may be we want to be in more calm and together way if we feel our children need this from us if they are going through a tough time. Or to be functional at our work place. For the purpose of this brief blog article, I will list general options you can explore. Keep note of what works for you.

  • Deep Breathing
  • Positive Affirmations or Positive Self Talk
  • Tapping
  • Havening
  • Journaling
  • Meditation
  • Yoga
  • Walking Outside or Any Kind of Movement
  • Eye Rest – Progressive Relaxation
  • Container for Upset or Passing on to Higher Power
  • Pleasant Distraction
  • Soft, Relaxing Music or Healing Music
  • Being Out in Nature
  • Having a Form of Communication with the Person Who Has Passed
  • Regular Time Being with a Trusted Support Person Who Gets You and Does Not Judge
  • Working with a Therapist on a Regular Basis
  • Taking Grief Breaks / Doing Something You Enjoy

Online Oklahoma Women’s Grief Group – Connection and Support for the Holidays

For those of you who live in OK, I am offering an Online Oklahoma’s Women’s Group – Connection & Support During the Holidays. This will be held November 4 – December 9 on Tuesday mornings, 9:00 -10:30 am, Oklahoma Central Time.

Click the link below at the bottom of this page to see more detailed information on this upcoming group. Registration is due by this Friday, October 31, as this group starts next Tuesday, 9:00 – 10:30 am ,November 4 – December 9.

Contact Tanna to register: 918-749-1550 or tanna@stromtherapy.com

I can also do custom groups and can see individuals or families for grief counselling – In Person or Online. You can find out more about my practice on my website: www.stromtherapy.com

Below is the link to the flyer for the “Online, OK Women’s Grief Group – Connection and Support for the Holidays” I am offering.

https://t.e2ma.net/webview/xuq03h/ede4eccf8619d1cddbd6b1e506419fc1

“What if . . . ?” Creating Hope and Positive Momentum to Feeling Better

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As a therapist, I am always looking for ways to introduce hope and open the door to feeling better. Sometimes we get stuck in feelings that do not feel good.

The Focus Being on the Positive “What If . . . ?” opposed to the Negative “What If . . . ?”

We all have probably at one time or another said with worry, “What if it doesn’t work out?” “What if the doctor’s report comes back bad?” Etc. These are normal. The “What If . . . ?” I am introducing is flipping the script on these negative “What If . . . ?” to positive “What If . . . ?” This can help open us to hope and a way to better feelings.

Our Feelings Are Our Guidance System

I am not discounting upset feelings. In fact, I embrace and accept and acknowledge all feelings. As I know that this is the first step in our journey to feeling better. As time goes on and we feel heard and validated, we can begin to work toward letting some hope and good feelings in.

Note: If we are talking about trauma or significant depression or mental health issues this may be a longer road and many times with the help of a licensed therapist or mental health provider.

Examples of Positive “What If . . .?”

“What if I feel better today?”

“What if something good happens today?”

“What if we get along better today?”

“What if I feel less sad today?”

“What if I eat at least one good thing for me today?”

“What if things work out for me?”

“What if I feel more peaceful today?”

Photo by Letu00edcia Alvares on Pexels.com

What do your positive “What If . . . ?” starter sentences look like? Start your day out with what makes sense for you at the time. For an extra boost, go back to your positive “What If . . . ?” if you feel your self going negative. You can acknowledge the upset and then go to your positive “What if . . ?” that can make you feel better. Best wishes in using this strategy to feel more hopeful, letting in better feelings.

Important Note: This blog is not therapy but a psycho-educational article. If you have a trauma background or significant depression or other mental health issues, a licensed therapist or mental health provider would be best to consult with.

Strom Individual & Family Therapy – Tanna K Strom, LMFT, LPC-S, RPT-S and Clinical Certified EFT Practitioner. Providing In Person and Online Services in Oklahoma. www.stromtherapy.com

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT HOLIDAYS ~creating a meaningful holiday ~

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Focusing on what we most want can help us to create the meaningful, joyful holiday we most desire. It is all about deciding what we most want. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself or your spouse / partner or your family to figure out what feels most meaningful to you. If you are living as a couple or have a family, you might consider doing a family meeting and considering the questions below. And then trying to incorporate what you all most want into your plans.

Note: If you are single or live alone, you can still go through this process to determine what you can create that gives you the most meaningful holiday.

  1. What would your best holiday LOOK LIKE to you or your family?
  2. What would you or your family FEEL LIKE if you were experiencing this meaningful holiday.
  3. What words or phrases DESCRIBE YOUR VISION of a meaningful holiday?

Here are some words / phrases you and your family can choose from as to what you might feel fits for your meaningful holiday. You can add your own words / phrases that describe what most fits for you.

Special Holiday Activities (what specific activities do you want to include)

Spending Time Together (how much time together and how)

Feeling Connected (what would it look like to be connected)

Having Fun (how would you know. you are having fun)

Special Foods (what foods would that be for you)

Religious / Spiritual Activities (what specific things do you want to do or not do in this category)

Special Traditions to Include or New Ones to Start (which ones do you want to see happen)

Down Time / Relaxing / At Home Time (how much would you want to feel balanced & feel good among so much going on during the holidays)

Consider Including the following as you plan this purpose driven holiday:

BE realistic, giving time to breathe and create space in between to really enjoy what you do choose to do.

BE flexible, allowing imperfections and interruption of plans.

BE who you are with doing what means the most to you, remembering you do not have to be perfect!

________________________________________________________________________________________

Special Note: This article is not intended as therapy. This is a psycho-educational article.

CONTACT INFORMATION :

Tanna K, Strom, LMFT, LPC-S, RPT-S

Virtual Therapy for Oklahoma

Licensed Marital & Family Therapist

Licensed Professional Counselor / Supervisor

Registered Play Therapist / Supervisor

Certified Clinical EFT Practitioner (aka “tapping” for anyone in the USA)

tanna@stromtherapy.com

918- 749-1550

It’s the “Little Things” That Make Us Feel Better

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Tanna K Strom, LMFT, LPC-S, RPT-S, CCPS, Clinical EFT Certified Practitioner Virtual Therapy for All of Oklahoma We all have times of feeling overwhelm or stress. Maybe anxious. We are all very human and need a way to feel better … Continue reading →

Create Your Own “Feel Better” Plan

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Many of you are in a place where you are struggling to keep your anxiety and depression at bay during this health crisis our nation is experiencing. I have many resources I will be sharing in the weeks to come. But first I thought it may be helpful to look at how to structure a general “Feel Better” Plan that is customized just for you.

Here are some of the steps that can assist you in individualizing a plan that is a fit for you and works best for you specifically.

  1. Create a plan that is best for YOU, not what someone else may say is the best for all. There is no one size fits all.
  2. To organize your thoughts you might start with a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle, determining what does NOT make you feel better and what does make you feel better. 
  • One side for, “What Does Not Make Me Feel Better at This Time?”
  • The other side, “What Does Make Me Feel Better At This Time?”
  • You can add to the Feel Better Side near the bottom a horizontal line with a title “Possible New Things to Try”
  • You may need more than one sheet to collect all of your ideas.
Feel Better Plan

3. Set aside some quiet, uninterrupted time to reflect and think carefully about these questions that will assist you in putting together this general plan to help make you feel better. 

4.  Put this visual FEEL BETTER PLAN up on your frig or on your mirror, etc. as a reference to go to when you needing some concrete ideas. Many times when we are upset it is hard to think clearly, thus a solid plan to look back at when needed.

5. Use an electronic folder to collect items that you are sent or you come across or find that you feel are helpful in lowering anxiety or depression or makes you feel better. I get good ideas on a daily basis from a variety of sources but without  putting them in an central place, they just simply get lost. I am not perfect about doing this but I do try and it has helped when I want to refer back to something. Some of these come in form of a video or an audio format, so the electronic folder is helpful.

6. Make a routine that fits for you. Many professionals feel that a routine can be helpful in assisting you to feel better. What kind of structure and what it looks like is a very individual thing. Structure can make you feel more safe when things around you may not feel stable or controllable.

  • Consider the beginning and end of your day for a routine that makes you feel safe, nurtured and hopeful.
  • Routines do not need to be rigid or stressful or overwhelming. They are intended to make us feel better.

7. Fill your day with things that make you feel good.  The more you can fill your day with things that make you feel happy or safe or bring a smile to your face, the better you will feel.  These interventions can be small and interspersed throughout the day. It may actually be better to spread out these uplifting activities. They can be intentional and spontaneous. When you find healthy things that really make you feel good, do more of them. It will serve you well.

I recently heard a meditation podcast in which Gabrielle Bernstein  said “It is good to feel good.” This is a very fitting, ending remark. It is good to feel good! My best wishes to you all in finding your own way to feeling good.

I will be adding “feel better” resources in the weeks to come for you to choose from as you create and continue to add things to your “Feel Better” Plan.

Professional Disclosure: This blog is offered as educational information and is not offered as professional therapeutic services. This is not intended as treatment. For professional help contact your local mental health professional. Strom Individual and Family Therapy is not liable for any action or non action you take in regard to this article.

Play for a Calmer, Happier You and for Better Relationships

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photo by noah silliman

We all want to feel happy and be connected with our loved ones. Play is a natural way for us to feel light and joyful thus spilling over into feelings of happiness and passing that on to the ones we love. Sounds pretty simple. But with our busy schedules and endless “to do” lists and activities, it may take some conscious effort to make this happen.

As this is National Play Therapy Week, February 3-9, I thought this may be a good time to share some thoughts about play and some of it’s wonderful benefits. As a Registered Play Therapist I use play in a therapeutic way in my private practice. Not only is play helpful for children. It is helpful for adolescents and adults as well. Play is truly healing and restorative. It is connecting and relationship building. Play is a wonderful preventative prescription as it requires the focus of being in “the moment”, not worrying about the past or the future.

Let’s look at ways to incorporate more play into your life. And how to do so in the most healthy ways possible.

Play for YOU to Rejuvenate and Relax

photo by ariana prestes
  1. Choose Something That You Really Like or Love, Just for the Pure Enjoyment of It. The key here is YOU and what YOU enjoy and brings YOU pleasure. This is not exercise or your yoga practice, etc. Even though these should bring you pleasure and feel good.
  2. Choose a Time That You Can Focus on the Playful Time and Let Go of the Past or the Future. Just allowing a time for you and the feeling of playfulness and joy.
  3. Choose Something that is Lighthearted and Fun. There is lots of time we spend in our life being serious. This is a  good thing. But we all need balance.   Pure fun is such a freeing  feeling that gives us a break from our worry.. So give yourself this gift.  You  deserve it!
  4. Take a Break From Your “TO DO LIST”. Doesn’t that sound wonderful. Just not doing anything on this list will open up space to be playful and rejuvenate your spirit.

Some possible playful ideas for YOU:

  • Spend time in nature, enjoying all that you love in the outdoor setting.
  • Cuddle up with and play with your animals.
  • Ride your bike or take a walk in a slow, enjoyable way, taking in all around you. This is different than exercise, more a meditative activity.
  • Spend time doing something that brings you joy. Maybe it is cooking or maybe it is painting or writing or playing music or shooting some hoops. Do what brings you joy.

“Playfully Yours” Couple Time

photo by scott web

We start out being playful and having fun in our relationships. And as time goes by, you may find this is less so. As one person said to me, “Life gets in the way.” Our lives do become more full with families and more demanding work, etc. So let’s look at ways we can keep the playful / fun in our couple relationships.

  1. Schedule Time for Fun. That may sound not too playful. But for some folks it is the only way “fun” happens. This can be a weekly date night or date day. It is a great start. This can evolve into more spontaneous playfulness
  2. Create the Atmosphere and Space for Spontaneous Playfulness. Inject a light heartened response, initiate playful behavior, be flirtatious, etc. Be a “playful person” whenever you can. All this contributes to a more light, positive feeling. Share more positive than negative to help allow for more playfulness to emerge.
  3. Recognize and Remember the Value of Keeping a Playful Connection. This is a basic core piece of a healthy, vibrant relationship. A playful connection is needed to keep our relationship alive and well. It is a component that we need to nurture and see as important.
  4. Couple Time is not Group Couple Time. Sometimes we will lump spending time with a group of friends as a couple activity. It is and it is not. True couple time is just the two of you focusing on each other and having fun and being playful together.
  5. Brainstorm What Playful Things You Want to Do Together. Update with each other what you feel you are missing or really want to do that would make you feel more connected and more happy. Then put them into action.

Family Play Time

photo by caroline hernandez

Playing together as a family is so “up there” as to healthy family functioning. It helps to build strong, connected relationships. This in turn helps as we do the job of guiding and leading our children. Children respond more cooperatively and have a stronger attachment to parents when the relationship is a balance of playful connection and positive guidance.

In our busy, full lives it can feel challenging to incorporate time for play. But we really need to do so. It may mean looking carefully at what our children and we as adults are involved in. We cannot do it all as much as we would all like to. Of course age of children and special circumstances will play into our decisions.

Things to Consider in Planning Family Play Times

  1. Consider your children and their age, choosing something that is a developmental fit / age appropriate for them. This will increase their enjoyment as well as yours. In addition, this will set the stage for a successful family play time.
  2. Think about what your children enjoy, what their passions are and try to make sure these things are a part of the mix. This does not mean we cannot expose them to new things. Alternating what is done with family play time with the different interests within the family is a good thing – helping to give children the gift of being tolerant and ok with doing a variety of things.
  3. Create a balance of at home and out of the home play times. This is a great modeling of helping children know you can  create your own fun in your own home and know you do not have to have a lot of money to do so. Of course it is fun to do adventures out of the house. But again they do not have to be grand vacations. There is lots to do locally and within neighboring towns. And of course, special vacations are great as well.
  4. Parent / Child Dates for Individual One on One Time. It can be very connecting to have one on one Parent / Child Dates or Play Times if  you feel your children crave individual time. Of course this means making sure all your children have their turn to keep harmony within your family.

I wish for you a deep rejuvenation and more happiness as you experience more play in your life. And I wish you well as you as create more playful times within your relationship.

PROFESSIONAL DISCLOSURE: THIS BLOG IS OFFERED AS EDUCATIONAL INFORMATION AND IS NOT OFFERED AS PROFESSIONAL THERAPEUTIC SERVICES. THIS IS NOT INTENDED TO SERVE AS TREATMENT. FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP CONTACT YOUR LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. STROM INDIVIDUAL AND FAMILY THERAPY IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ACTION OR NON ACTION YOU TAKE IN REGARD TO THIS ARTICLE.
Less Serious, More Playful

Less Serious, More Playful

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Feel like your life is one endless stream of “to do” tasks? All work, no play. You can go through your life seriously “serious” all the time. I have to admit I tend to run this way, full of purpose … Continue reading →

One Strategy to Recapture Your Calm & Focus on What You Do Want

One Strategy to Recapture Your Calm & Focus on What You Do Want

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We all have been there. Too much to do. Too much to manage. Too much overwhelm. Just simply too much! There are lots of things we can to do work on these issues. Sometimes due to circumstances we have to … Continue reading →

Unplug, Relax and Enjoy

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laberinth at flainnifans near zion natioanl park

Can we really unplug, relax and enjoy? I say yes, we can do this. But it is a very conscious choice we make in each and every moment I think. As of recent due to increased job, community and personal commitments I have found myself in a place to really re-look at this concept.

As I begin my vacation travels this week, I see lots of folks completely plugged in and checked out to others around them, including themselves. I am not suggesting we all throw out all of our electronic devices we are all a bit addicted to. But I am suggesting that we do a check in with ourself every so often as to the balance of being emerged in our high-tech environments and the “crazy busy” life so many of us create for ourselves AND taking time for self-care and letting joy and peace flow into our live. Thus my own check in as I take some time away from it all.

As I sat on a plane earlier yesterday, I sat across from a father who had his young baby son  lying on his lap. The baby was asleep with his little arms flung out above his head, a content and utterly peaceful experience on his face. To his side dad had another child who was resting on his shoulder, cuddled up and asleep by her daddy. It was all so sweet and very calming to be sitting by. A bit of a “wake up call” for me to take more time for this beautiful, peaceful calm together time with my loved ones. Without this balance we can feel disconnected and very un-centered.

So I am off to begin this process to re-balancing once again. And yes it is an over and over process I think. It is so easy to get off course, but always possible to get back on a path of more joy and peacefulness.

Some questions you might ask yourself as you too are trying to access and get back on the path:

  1. How am I doing? How do I feel the majority of the time?
  2. What am I doing on a day-to-day basis for self-care? 
  3. Do I plan long-term what is the very best for me and what I want and what brings joy to my life?
  4. What kinds of boundaries do I set up to make sure I am doing what is the best thing for me and that is balanced and healthy?
  5. And the ultimate question, “Is this how I want to live my life?”

I hope you will enjoy this beautiful spring time emerging around us and use it as a time for re-birth and new beginnings toward better self-care and reaching for all the joy and happiness you deserve.

Much peace and love to you all.

 

How to Create More Peace, More Fun, More Joy

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Cat resting on top of my desk papers

How high is your paper pile? As you can see mine had gotten pretty high. My kitty cat has reminded me it is time to take a break. Sometimes it takes an outside source for me to slow down and regroup. But many times I find if I listen to that small voice within I know when it is time to take a break and refresh. What are some of the signs that tell you it is time to slow down?

Here are FIVE sure signs that you may need a break.

  1. You continue to have accidents, maybe small ones, like running into things, dropping things, finding you have made mucho many mistakes in emails you have sent out, etc.
  2. You cannot find things. Maybe you find your keys in the refrigerator. Not good!
  3. You find your communication has gotten shorter and curter and more to the point. You find you are in conflict more with your loved ones.
  4. You don’t feel you are enjoying life. There is no time for that. You are too busy!
  5. You have a sense of unease that tells you that all is not well. Or you may not feel well straight up. Our bodies are “our friends”. They try to tell us when we are going “too fast” or needing to regroup. In fact, most of us will eventually just get sick and our bodies will just shut us down if we don’t listen.

There are times for all of us that we just feel it is all too much and we need a break. So why don’t we? Good question. Sometimes it really does feel like we don’t have a choice. We are under a deadline or someone else is counting on us and we don’t want to let them down. We might worry what others might think. Or it may be that we have just got in a “habit” of being too busy.

It may not really be so much about how much we have going on in our life, but how we perceive it. Are you a half full or half empty person? Our thinking effects how happy we are and how we cope with everyday stressors.

All this said, we still all need to relax and recuperate – taking time to do something that is just for us or do something that brings us immense joy. Of course the best is when we can fill our life with things that bring us joy and happiness. It is also important to note that we all have our own special speed that feels best for us. Some folks just operate at a higher frequency level. That is ok as long as it feels good and it brings us feelings of happiness.

So to end here are FIVE ways to have more PEACE, more FUN, more JOY.

  1. Put a protective shield around yourself. Imagine whatever image works for you. For example: A bright, white protective light around yourself that keeps you calm and stable and not affected by outside pressures and upsets. At a self-care workshop I did for therapists, I had one participant use a super hero cape to wrap around herself. You will have your own image come to mind. This protective shield is not to say you ignore your family or not be sensitive to others. It actually allows you to be more sensitive when you choose not to let the “yuck” stuff into yourself inner space.
  2. Let the good in. Author and Neuro-Psychologist  Rick Hanson advocates letting more of the good into our lives. Focusing on those parts of our life that bring us joy. So many times this is the little things in our lives. It is just slowing down long enough to see them and feel the wonder of “letting the good in”.
  3.  Clear the clutter, develop a space that feels peaceful for you. This may look different for different folks. But space clearing can  help in feeling more calm and creating an environment that leads to a more peaceful feeling.
  4. Remember you don’t have to be perfect. We are all human. And no one is perfect. We all do the best we can and that is enough.
  5. Take a BREAK. It is ok. Remember a break can be a 5 minute break, a 20 minute break, an evening break or a week break. They all count and help us to find that peaceful place that resides within. And as you know it will all be there when you come back. But when you come back you will have a fresh new look at it. Take a break to ENJOY yourself and your loved ones around you. They count big time in the grand scheme of things.

Note about my blog break: For those of you who follow my blog. I chose to take off from my blog for about a month to take a vacation, attend to some new projects that took some extra focus and regroup. So I am back and ready to go. In other words, I took a BREAK. And you can too. Best wishes in finding that happy balance of work and play!