Monthly Archives: September 2014

“It’s All Good” – 5 Strategies for Using Positive Self Talk That Works

Posted on by

0

Man and a Woman with Their Heads Together Smiling

A year or so ago my son was trying to reassure me something was not a big deal. He simply said, “It’s all good.” I liked that simple reminder. So I find myself using it when I am feeling a bit down or discouraged. In general, I have found positive self talk to be tremendously helpful in shifting my thoughts to a higher and more helpful place. I know many who have found this to be true.   Here are some practical and concrete ways to use positive self talk.

5 Strategies for Using Positive Self Talk That Works

1. You must believe what you are saying. This is one of the things that really activates our brain to move in this direction. If you are saying it and really not believing it, then it will probably not work. Our minds will definitely pick up on that kind of discrepancy. I am sure  you have heard the term fake it til you make it. And there is some truth to it.  So with this strategy, you can pretend with as much passion as possible and this may be enough to help things along. But ultimately for best results you will need to believe it.

2. Use power words. Basically use words that carry some punch and have a passionate feel about them.  Putting out this kind of message will attract things that are similar to your message. For example: “Everything is  falling into place.”   or “An amazing day full of positive energy and smooth sailing is here before me . ” Using as much detail as possible helps too.

3. Remember to use a current tense. This of course sends out the message that It is” Happening” and that we are not talking about in the future, but we are talking NOW. And what is better than that.

4. Use your positive self talk as much as possible.  Of course just like anything else, the more we do it, the better we get at it. Thus, the more successful it is.

5. Don’t get discouraged. Keep doing your positive talk, even if it does not feel like it is helping immediately. Your brain just needs to catch up with your new thoughts. Give it some time, it will work.

Note: For those of you who want a more scientific, researched term we can plug-in the words of Cognitive Behavioral Self Talk. This is about how our thoughts affect our feelings and behavior. It is all a circular kind of pattern. So once again, I might say, “It’s all good.”

 

Five Ways to Show Your Loved One YOU Are Really Listening

Posted on by

0

couple not communicatng with laptops open in restaurant

“Are you listening?” Does this sound familiar?  So are we really listening to our loved ones? We probably think we are. Most of us don’t on purpose not listen. We just don’t always listen in a way that our loved one feels really heard. 

When I work with couples in my practice I find this is a common communication issue that brings distress to the relationship. So what are some things we can do to make sure we are REALLY listening to our loved ones?

Five Ways to Let Your Loved One Know YOU are Really Listening

  1. Stop what you are doing. This may mean putting your phone or computer down to rest. Or turning off the TV or whatever you may be doing. And making eye contact with your partner or spouse. You are setting the FOUNDATION for a meaningful interaction.
  2. Listen with the intent of hearing and reflecting what your loved one is saying so they can feel you have REALLY and truly heard them. This may not be as easy as it sounds. But it will pay big dividends in your relationship. When someone reflects what we are saying we know we have really been heard. It feels so divine to be heard at this level.
  3. Avoid giving your feedback and opinion. That is the hard part I think. Because we all have something we feel needs to be said. But if we can hold off and just listen and “be there” it will create a feeling of “YOU really matter to me and I want to know what YOU are feeling and thinking.”. By all means do share your feelings and thoughts if you are asked. But remember it is really more about “being there” to listen.
  4. After you have really listened, you can respond in a way that shows you have heard your partner’s feelings not just their words. This may mean listening at a level to be able to detect the underlying feeling beneath what is being said. You might even want to name what you think you are hearing. “So you are really angry about . . . ” or “After all the hard work on the meal, you feel unappreciated.”
  5. Ask what your loved one needs from you? This may be something you can do or maybe not. But the fact that you have asked shows you care and want to do what you can.

couple communicating face to face in restaurant enlarged image

Being listened to is a true gift. In our crazy busy lives we don’t always connect in a way in which we are really listening. But when we do it is so very magical. It makes us feel loved and cared for and that is what most of us really want in our relationships.

So hope you will take time to give this special gift to your loved one today!

 

Too Busy for Self Care?

Posted on by

2

IMG_3776

Are you too busy for self-care? Too busy for the good stuff?  You are not alone. I am currently in process of putting together a presentation for a group of therapists on self-care and have found myself ironically just too busy to do good self-care for myself due to this extra project. I finally got a hold of myself and said,  “ENOUGH. You must take time to care for yourself or you will not be of help to anyone else.” My body actually did some of this for me this last week and had me not feeling well, needing to cancel some commitments. I always joke with my family that my body will just shut me down if I do not listen to it.  And it truly does so.

First of all what is good self-care?

  • Starting with the “basics”. Enough sleep to feel refreshed when you get up in the morning. Healthy food that makes you feel good and keeps your body in good working order and full of energy.  Let us not forget, lots of water which has been shown to help alleviate stress and of course helps to flush toxins from the body. Then there is physical exercise, which can come in many forms. It can be a simple daily evening walk or going to the YMCA two nights a week, riding your bike or whatever is a fit for you to help keep you physically healthy.
  • Then we have emotional health that is very intertwined with the body. The mind-body connection is strong and research continues to grow in this area.  Stress affects your emotional and physical health. How you are doing emotionally makes a difference as to how you will fare physically. This is common sense that we all witness. But our busy lives keep us in a place where we do not always think about what we really know instinctively about our bodies. One thing to consider about your stress is how you view it.  You have a choice in how you choose to look at something, even if you can not change the circumstances. By choosing to think in a way that helps you to feel better, you can be in a more peaceful place.
  • Putting your joy and happiness up at the top of your list is important. This allows you to then share that happiness with your families and loved ones. Balancing family needs and personal needs can be challenging. But the more balance the better you will feel.

So what can you do when you are just too busy to do good self-care???

  1. You can PRIORITIZE. Meaning you can decide what is most important and rank in order what you feel you most need to do. At the top of the list should be good self-care. And yes that is not always easy. It many times means having to let go of something else. There really are only 24 hours in a day. Even though I so want more at times. But 24 is REALLY enough. When you live each moment in the present and know you will never have it all done and it is ok, you can feel so much more peaceful.
  2. You can say NO to some things. You can let go of having to have your list completely done each day. You can do the best you can and feel good about what you did accomplish. You can remind yourselves you do not need to be perfect. You are wonderful just the way you are!
  3. You can do mini self-care breaks. Maybe you really do have to finish a work project or take our child to practice each night. But  you can incorporate ways to take breaks with your work. Maybe it is a simple 5 or 10 minute walk outside to regroup. Or maybe you decide you can carpool with another parent for your child’s practice. You may feel you need to have a large block of time to do self care. I would invite you to consider ways to incorporate smaller bite sized self care breaks. I know for me more self care happens when I use this approach.

I will be exploring the issue of self-care in more detail in my fall quarterly  newsletter. If you wish to subscribe to my newsletter, you are welcome to go my website and go into the Well Being Newsletter tab and sign up there. My website address is as follows: www.stromtherapy.com I might add I have an archive of all my past newsletters in this section of my website.

Take good care of yourself. YOU are so worth it!

My Favorite Resources for Divorcing or Divorced Parents

Posted on by

0

child crying as leave with dad in car

My favorite, simple, easy to navigate, concise book  for divorcing or divorced parents is the TransParenting Parent Handbook. It’s been around for a while, but I really like it. The purpose of this book is to provide information on how to help children adjust to a changing family structure due to divorce. To access this book go  to their website: www.transparenting.com  .  Go to the Purchase Transparenting Materials tab. It is currently about $16. to purchase. This has been used in the Helping Kids Cope with Divorce program.

As I was recently in this site, I found it refers to another website: www.UpToParents.org . This is an excellent site that contains information in the way of articles and videos that are to help divorcing or divorced parents to reduce conflict and focus on the needs of children. It contains a Parent Corner and a Professional Corner.

In addition I discovered a website called: www.ProudToParent.org , which is intended for parents who have never married.This is a unique website set to address a group that is not always included in the conversation of two homes for children.

One last new discovery is a website for parents who still feel they can save their marriage and are trying to manage this in between, difficult situation. This website is: www.whileweheal.com . So if this would be a situation that you are trying to manage, I hope you will check it out.

This is a challenging time for children and parents both, but with collaborative, co-parenting it can be managed in a way to help chlldren adjust in the most healthy way possible.