“Self Talk” That Gets You Where You Want to Go

happy girl in black and white

How powerful is your “self talk”? I would say powerful enough to change your life. That is pretty powerful. It really takes you where you want to go or not go for that matter. This is why it is so very important to take notice of what you are saying to yourself. Of course the golden rule is “What you think is what you get.” When I encourage clients to use more positive self talk, I sometimes hear “But it’s not true.” This may be the case, but if your talk is negative then what follows will tend to be negative. And vice versa.

One way to move toward more positive self talk is to transition into it. I was listening to a stress reduction audio recently and was struck by the language that was being used. They were using what I am going to call  – Progressive Positive Self Talk. This is what it would sound like with some common feeling states we may want to change.

Progressive Positive Self Talk

  1. Say what YOU WANT by expressing what WILL BE HAPPENING in the near future.
  2. Talk about BEING IN PROCESS of what you want.
  3. Declare that it HAS HAPPENED!

Here are some examples:

  1. “I am going to relax.”
  2. “My body is relaxing.”
  3. “I am relaxed”


  1. “I am going to calm down.”
  2. “I am feeling more calm.”
  3. “I am calm.”


  1. “I am going to choose to be happy.”
  2. “I am feeling happier.”
  3. “I am happy.”

This may be helpful in getting your self to believe and buy into positive self talk. For some it may make it all a bit more believable. And this is so very important. You have to believe for positive self talk to work. 

In addition, positive self talk can help with self control or self regulation. Knowing how to regulate and shift to a feeling state that you want to have is a valuable skill.

So what do you want? Play with the wording in which you state what you want, describe it beginning to happen and say with confidence that it is happening! You will be amazed to find you can set your intent and easily make it happen. You have the power to create what you want. 

Best wishes in using this Progressive Positive Self Talk strategy!

4 Deep Breaths Can Change YOUR Life

Profile of Face with Swirls

So how can 4 deep breaths change your life? It can give you the time to calm your brain and react in the way you most want or desire. We hear a lot today about meditation and breath work and the wonderful benefits of being able to lessen our anxiety and really clear the chatter and chaos from our brain. In this application, I am talking about doing something that we all can do with minimal effort. This is not an hour meditation, not to say that this would not be incredibly helpful for us. This is simply using what we have accessible in our everyday life to calm our mind and body – OUR BREATH. It is a way to allow us to be more in charge of creating the life we want.

I might add if you can combine this with a question of what do I need or want OR a positive “self talk” statement this will further aid you in creating the life and relationships you so desire.  This is a powerful combination for sure. I hope you will try it for yourself.

There are different strategies that can be used when doing breath work. From very simple to more complex. Here are some beginning possibilities to consider.

  1. To begin breath work you may want to just do a simple slow deep breath in and a slow deep breath out. 4 cycles of breath is a good goal. But it does not have to be exact.
  2. The next may be a  simple slow 4 count of breath coming in and a slow 4 count of breath coming out. Again 4 cycles being the approximate goal to calm yourself.
  3. In some yoga circles, the 4 square breath is used  This is a 4 count breath in, a holding of breath for 4 counts, 4 count breath out and then a holding of the breath for 4 counts. And then a continuation up to 4 breath cycles.
  4. Dr. Andrew Weil has a 4-7-8 breath exercise that can be used with some practice. You can check out the video below if you want to see his demonstration of this method that he teaches all of his patients. First blow out all of your air through your mouth. Then breath in through your nose to a count of 4, hold for a count of 7 and then breath out of your mouth to a count of eight. Do for 4 cycles, but no more.

Please Note: For some situations the most simple can be the most fitting. This is for you to decide what best fits for you and the situation in front of you Perfectionism is not the goal but learning something simple you can access easily where your breath becomes slower, deeper and quieter. I might also note this can also be used with children as well, especially  the simpler versions.

I am listing some examples of how this might be used in everyday life below for your consideration. You will find this can be applied to most any situation in which you are having upset or confused feelings about or having feelings of wanting something that is not healthy for you.

  • Situation: You are arguing with your spouse and you find it escalating and not nice things are being said to one another.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: Your mind and body calms.
  • You Ask Yourself: “How can I say what I want to say respectfully?” OR “How do I say this without hurting _______?” OR “What can I do to lower this escalation?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calming down, I can think more clearly.” OR “We can work this out.” OR “We need to take a break and come back.”

woman and man with wall between but holding hands and heads against wall

  • Situation: You are trying to lose weight. You are hungry and want something to eat and it is mid afternoon. You REALLY need something to eat.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: Your mind and body calms.
  • You Ask Yourself:  “What does my body need right now?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calm and can choose what is best for me.” OR “It feels good to choose what my body really needs.”

 woman with apple on her bicep arm

  • Situation: You are feeling anxious. You are in a job interview and feeling nervous.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: “Your mind and body calms.”
  • You Ask Yourself:  “What can I say that is most helpful for me?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calm. I can think clearly and show my best self.”

 woman interview with calm face at at table


So when you feel upset, mad, anxious or feel yourself getting ready to do something not good for you, TAKE 4 DEEP BREATHS. It is worth your time to calm yourself and do what you really desire to do.  Your body is a beautiful creation designed to help you. So use your breath, it could just possibly change your life!


“It’s All Good” – 5 Strategies for Using Positive Self Talk That Works

Man and a Woman with Their Heads Together Smiling

A year or so ago my son was trying to reassure me something was not a big deal. He simply said, “It’s all good.” I liked that simple reminder. So I find myself using it when I am feeling a bit down or discouraged. In general, I have found positive self talk to be tremendously helpful in shifting my thoughts to a higher and more helpful place. I know many who have found this to be true.   Here are some practical and concrete ways to use positive self talk.

5 Strategies for Using Positive Self Talk That Works

1. You must believe what you are saying. This is one of the things that really activates our brain to move in this direction. If you are saying it and really not believing it, then it will probably not work. Our minds will definitely pick up on that kind of discrepancy. I am sure  you have heard the term fake it til you make it. And there is some truth to it.  So with this strategy, you can pretend with as much passion as possible and this may be enough to help things along. But ultimately for best results you will need to believe it.

2. Use power words. Basically use words that carry some punch and have a passionate feel about them.  Putting out this kind of message will attract things that are similar to your message. For example: “Everything is  falling into place.”   or “An amazing day full of positive energy and smooth sailing is here before me . ” Using as much detail as possible helps too.

3. Remember to use a current tense. This of course sends out the message that It is” Happening” and that we are not talking about in the future, but we are talking NOW. And what is better than that.

4. Use your positive self talk as much as possible.  Of course just like anything else, the more we do it, the better we get at it. Thus, the more successful it is.

5. Don’t get discouraged. Keep doing your positive talk, even if it does not feel like it is helping immediately. Your brain just needs to catch up with your new thoughts. Give it some time, it will work.

Note: For those of you who want a more scientific, researched term we can plug-in the words of Cognitive Behavioral Self Talk. This is about how our thoughts affect our feelings and behavior. It is all a circular kind of pattern. So once again, I might say, “It’s all good.”