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Relationships with Ex-Spouses – Considerations When Children Are Involved

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co-parenting-during-divorceThe “Divorce” is in process and you wonder what kind of relationship should I have with my soon to be Ex? You are thinking I have children with this person, so how does this work?  I see families in my practice that are in the process of a divorce or who have recently undergone this change in their family structure.  When children are involved it adds another layer of complexity as to what kind of relationship one should have with their ex-husband or ex-wife. I have found that what works for one family may not work for another. There are many different kinds of situations and unique details for each family. But, I do think there are some general things that are important for almost all families that are going through this major shift in the family structure when it comes to your post marriage relationship.   So here are some things to consider.

Consider the BIG question. ” What is most helpful for my children?”

  • Children need developmentally appropriate information about what is going on with your relationship with their mother or father. This means letting them know what is going on in a way that they can understand for their age. For example: A young preschool aged child may just need to know that mommy and daddy are not happy living together any more and that they feel they will be happier if they live in two separate houses.  More information can be shared as you feel it is needed or when they ask.
  • It ,of course. is not helpful for children to know the intricate details of what has happened.  Sharing information about an affair that has taken place is not helpful. Or sharing information about all of your soon to be ex or ex’s faults and inappropriate behaviors will not help. This simple advice is not simple in that as children get older they will ask more questions and want more specific answers. The bottom line is to try not to bash the other parent, as your child will need to have a healthy relationship with the other parent.  Sometimes just relaying that you had grown up problems that made it too hard to live together any more will work, at least initially.  Deciding together what you want the children to know and sticking with this agreed upon explanation is best. Yes this might be hard, but the most helpful for children. As children age, you may feel it is needed to share more information about the relationship that ended.  This information needs to be given in a thoughtful and mindful way. It may be that more details are needed by children or teens.  If you are not prepared, when your child asks you can tell them you want to think about the best way to answer their questions and then you can followup after some careful consideration.
  • As to the relationship with your soon to be ex or your ex, this may look different for different families. One thing to consider is if the relationship you want or have is confusing for your children. For example: In most cases, continuing to live in the same house can be confusing, if the marital relationship has ended. There may be exceptions, but in general this is hard for children to understand. As to how much time do you spend with your ex-wife or ex husband and your child together. This really does vary with each family.  For some children they think mom and dad are getting back together when many activities are done together. It is a complex question and there is not a simple answer. There also is what you feel is most comfortable. If it was a mutually agreed upon divorce, it is easier. But if one of you wanted the relationship and the other did not, this is more complex. Again being thoughtful and mindful as you create this new co-parent relationship will help.

Another question to consider, “What is best for you?”

  • If your spouse is trying to keep you in the relationship and you know it is not possible, consider how to help them accept this in a way that is least painful.  Acknowledging your part in the relationship ending can help in later forging a new co-parenting relationship. 
  • When someone new comes into your life, more potential shifts may need to happen with your spouse. Lots of good, open communication with all parties will go a long way.
  • If you find your situation is complex, find a good therapist to help you process and come up with what might work best for you. 
  • Being realistic as to what will work and not work is a reality. Again, you will have your own unique situation and you will do the best  you can with it. That is all we can do.

If your children can see their parents have a co-parenting relationship of respect and cooperation this is ideal. If there are circumstances with safety issues, etc. it may not be perfect, but your compassion and respectful language in regard to the other parent will help. Best wishes in finding ways to form this new relationship that is most helpful to your children, yourself and your ex-spouse.

Do you know about Choregus, Tulsa’s Modern Dance Performances?

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choregus performance KoreshDo you like modern dance and music performances? You might consider checking out Choregus. They host world-class contemporary dance and music performances here in Tulsa. Their season runs from September through April and is held at Cascia Hall’s Performing Arts Center (Helmerich Theatre). Tickets are $15 – $40.  per performance. Plus discount tickets are available. I was not aware of this group until this summer and decided to do a post so that those looking for activities to do as a couple or as a family could be aware of this opportunity. I think they are worth checking out. They were the 2012 recipient of the Oklahoma Governor’s Arts in Education award.

You can call 918-688-6112 for more information. I would also suggest that you go into their website www.choregus.org to get detailed information about each of their performances.  There are links to view the dance or music company coming to perform.

The next two performances that are scheduled are:

Koresh Dance Company

Saturday, October 5 at 8:00 pm and Sunday, October 6 at 3:00 pm

Gillim Dance

Saturday, November 16 at 8:00 pm and Sunday, November 17 at 3:00 pm

I have not had the opportunity to attend any of Choregus’s performances, but I have two professional colleagues who have season tickets to Choregus and very much enjoy the performances that they bring into Tulsa.

If  you are a modern dance fan, this could be a very fun date night.   Or if you have a child who likes modern dance this could be a fun parent / child or family activity. Hope you will be able to check this out.

Plan a Day of Fun at Bricktown in OKC

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Bricktown_Oklahoma_CityI just re-discovered Bricktown in Oklahoma City a couple of weekends ago. As we were traveling back from a family event in the area, we decided to stop for a meal by the canals. We were pleasantly surprised by what we saw. It has grown and developed so much since we had been there. This would be a wonderful day trip or weekend trip for that matter.  There is plenty to do for a day just in Bricktown and then so many downtown OKC attractions surrounding Bricktown.

This is well suited to either a family trip or a couple’s trip. You will find lots of fun eating places and shops surrounding the canals.  I had always wanted to float the canals, so we did so on the Bricktown Water Taxi.  The boat driver gave a guided tour as we made our way around the canals of Bricktown and the surrounding attractions. We were delighted to encounter the lovely sculptures that have been done to honor OK history as we floated on the water ways.  The water taxis are powered by electricity. Pretty cool.  We were also told the canals are lit up at night. I might add that if you wish to spend the night, there are many close hotels in the area.

Some of the Bricktown attractions and things to do are:

Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark

America Banjo Museum

Bricktown Water Taxi

Harding Theatres

Centennial Crossing

Coca Cola Event Center

Redpin Bowling

Horsedrawn Carriage Rides

Lots of fun restaurants and shops around the canals

OK artist sculptures of depicting OK history around the canals

019 horse team and wagon statue brinktown okcOklahoma City downtown attractions and fun things to do , which surround the Bricktown area:

Myriad Botanical Gardens

Oklahoma City of Museum of Arts

Oklahoma National Memorial and Museum (honoring the OK City bombing)

Red Earth Museum

Chesapeake Energy Arena I (noticed Keith Urban is there on October 19 and John Mayer on November 30.)

Cox Center

Rock Climbing

Largest dry slide in the USA

Bike rentals in the down town area

Oklahoma City Midtown:

Oklahoma Heritage Museum

So as you can see, there are lots of things to do in Bricktown and the surrounding area.  The website to go into for more details is: www.bricktownokc.com

Have fun picking out the things that most interest you. As you can see there are several day trips that one could do. Enjoy some time exploring Bricktown with your sweetheart or your family soon!

Negative to Positive Talk with Your Loved Ones

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happy_face_wwwDo you ever catch yourself feeling like you are being really negative and you don’t know how to turn it around? Most of us have had this kind of experience and it can be frustrating. We want to tell someone about our upset feelings, yet still be positive. I am proposing two different techniques for your consideration. These are both very simple one and two sentence statements.

Consider the use of the phrase “Even though . . . ” 

This would involve first of all acknowledging your feelings of upset and then ending the statement with what positive way you are going to handle this upset feeling. Here are some examples:

“Even though I am so mad I could scream,  I am going to choose to take a deep breath and ask you what happened. ”

“Even though my feelings are hurt, I want to try to understand why you did this.”

“Even though I am unhappy with what you did, I am choosing to ask that we sit down and talk about this.

“Even though I am feeling  anxious about what you are saying, I am going to stay calm and listen to all you have to say.

These statements respect and acknowledge your feelings and at the same time leave a door open for positive discussion and dialog.

These are of course the beginning of a dialog. But they set the tone for positive communication and potential joint problem solving.

Consider the use of the use of the dual words, UNFORTUNATELY, FORTUNATELY

UNFORTUNATELY, I am very stressed out and everything feels like too much. FORTUNATELY, I  know that I just need a bit of time by myself to feel ok again.

UNFORTUNATELY, I got so upset I yelled at you when I should not have. FORTUNATELY, I  know when to admit I was wrong and apologize.”

UNFORTUNATELY, I was so mad that I said some things that I really did not mean. FORTUNATELY, I have calmed down and can think more clearly and tell you want I need to say respectfully.

UNFORTUNATELY, I have been really depressed about our son’s behavior and I know that is all I talk about. FORTUNATELY, I have come to the realization that we need to talk about other things too that are positive.

This technique can be used for yourself personally to help you change negative thoughts to positive ones.  And as I have shown this  can also be used as a way to shift more negative thoughts and feelings to more positive ones with your relationship talk. 

I like both of these techniques as they are a nice balance of being able to be respectful of our upset feelings and at the same time offers a way to turn them into positive, hopeful statements. Try them and see what you think!

Fill the “Buckets” of Your Loved Ones and See Happiness Grow

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good feelings bucketI ran across the children’s book Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids by Carol McCloud  just recently while at a local bookstore.  I have another book for children on this topic, but really liked how this one was done. For those of you who are not familiar with the “Bucket” concept, this is how it works. Please note that this is for all ages!!!

  •  Everyone has an invisible bucket (this is how this particular author explains it to children). The bucket is to hold your good thoughts and feelings about yourself.
  • You feel happy when it is full and sad when it is empty.
  • We need each other to help fill our buckets.
  • To fill a bucket you simply show love to someone (for example a hug or kiss), say or do something kind, or make someone feel special.
  • You can also be a “bucket dipper” by taking out some good feelings by saying hurtful or mean things, being critical, making fun of someone, etc.
  • You feel good when you fill someone else’s bucket

I might add I feel it is also important to let children know they can help to fill their own buckets by using “positive self talk”. What we say to ourselves is crucial in how we feel about ourselves. Our thoughts can add or take out good feelings from our buckets. 

I also think it is helpful to let children know that it is ok to tell your family that your bucket it low. And that you can help to fill it. This is ditto for couples too!

Family or Couple Bucket Activity:

One fun way to make this concept concrete is to have a bucket for each person in your family. Family members can write each other notes of love and appreciation and put them in the buckets. Everyone might even decorate their own bucket and put their name on it. This could be a fun family activity. Or even for a couple this would be a nice concrete way to show your love for each other.

Good luck in filling those buckets!

An Evening of Wine and Roses at Tulsa Rose Garden, September 27, 2013

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An Evening of Wine and Roses Tulsa Garden Center SeptemberWant to stroll the Tulsa Rose Garden, tasting wines from all over the world as you munch on elegant hors d’oeuvres and desserts. Then plan on attending Tulsa Garden Center’s 19th annual “An Evening of Wine and Roses” on September 27 from 7:00 – 9:30 pm. Over 150 wines from across the world will be available for tasting and many of Tulsa’s top-notch restaurants will provide the food for this event. You must be 21 years of age to attend this event.  The cost is $65. for Tulsa Garden Center members and $80. for non members. There is also the option of being a sponsor and attending their tasting in the Mansion from 6:00 – 7:30 pm. The ticket cost is $130. for this event.  Space is limited for both tastings and the reservations deadline is September 20.  Call Tulsa Garden Center at 918-746-5125 to make your reservation.

Tulsa Garden Center

Woodward Park

Municipal Rose Garden

2435 S.Peoria

This could be a very fun couple date night. The proceeds of this event benefit The Tulsa Garden Center. For more information visit Tulsa Garden Center’s Website  http://www.tulsagardencenter.com

Note: If this does not fit your budget or you prefer you own private party or your own kind of food, you might consider going another evening, bringing your own special picnic or treats. I would suggest checking the curfew for the Tulsa Rose Garden so you can stay within the time they are open to the public.

Enjoy the roses and the wonderful outdoors as you stroll the gardens with your sweetheart!

We don’t seem to have anything to talk about . . . re-kindling the fire and passion of REAL conversation

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couple-talking-on-couchI was sitting at a restaurant tonight and noticed a couple sitting across the way from me. They each seemed to be in their own world. He on his i-phone and her staring off into space. It struck me that they might as well have been eating by themselves. They did not appear to have anything to talk about. I have witnessed this before and have had couples tell me before that they don’t seem to have anything to talk about. So I say it may be time to get to know each other again. Remember that sweet time when you were first together as a couple. You could not wait to talk to each other and you could talk for hours on the phone with each other. Some of this of course is that very special beginning time of a new relationship when we are getting to know each other and we want to know and hear all the other has to say.  We may not completely re-create that time frame, BUT we can create REAL and deep conversations that we can only have after co-creating some history together. This is not to say that we should not look at doing a re-do as to getting to know each other again in regard to some of the basics as we have grown and changed since the beginning of our relationship. We can do both.

So how do we get to know each other again . . . 

  • We can pretend we are just meeting each other and see what we find. We may be surprised. What kinds of questions might you ask a new date. “Tell me what you do . . . ” “Do you like it?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” ” I know I feel really passionate about . . . what about you?”
  • Really hearing and listening and reflecting back what you hear, can make you a very inviting person to talk to. Asking questions that show your interest and curiosity can make the other feel like you really want to know. This of course will create more openness and likely sharing.

As a couple with some history, you are ready and able to talk about some things in more depth. Topics such as the following might add to your conversation menu.

  • Religion or Spirituality – “What did you think about what Pastor Jim said about . . .?” “I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when . . . What do you think? ” “Are you happy with our church?”
  • Financial – “We seem to have different ideas about chore money for the children. I wonder if we should try to find a compromise?”
  • Politics and World Affairs – “What do you think about the . . . situation?”
  • Goals – This could be goals you have for yourself or goals that you put together for yourselves as a couple. “What kinds of goals do we want for us for this next year?”
  • Feeling Check In – “What was the best part of your day? How about the hardest part of your day?” Of course, there are many variations on this. Choose what feels most appropriate.
  • Something You Read or Heard That You Found Interesting and Worth Talking to Your Partner About. “I found out today that Tulsa County has the most meth labs in the US. I wonder why that is?”
  • Common Interests Conversation – “Hey, I just heard there is a new art exhibit at . . . ” “I am wondering if we should try a new hiking trail? I heard something about . . . Have you heard anything about . . . ?”
  • Work (In or Outside of the Home)- “Tell me about your new project on . . .”
  • Your Children – “What do you think we should do about . . . being anxious about making new friends?”
  • Flirtation / Playful Talk – “You are looking good sweetheart!”
  • Encouragement Conversation – “So I know you have been having a hard time with . . .  How can I help you?”

middle age couple talking on couch

As you know you will have differences of opinions and think differently about certain things. Remember to acknowledge what your partner has to say even if you see it differently. Then you can tell your side of it. This will keep you wanting to continue to talk to each other. Being respectful of differences of opinion can go a long way to create interesting and deep conversations.

There is so much to share and talk about. Being there sharing and listening keeps your relationship alive and growing. And isn’t that what we all want.

Family Night or a Couple’s Date Night at Admiral Twin Drive In- Tulsa’s Outdoor Movie Theater

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admiral twin drive in logoI recently had a chance to take in a movie at the Tulsa’s Admiral Twin Drive In. This is Tulsa’s old-time outdoor movie theater.  It was fun! Thought I might pass the idea on to you as a potential Couples Date Night or as Family Night Out.  As this is a seasonal activity, I decided to go ahead and write this piece while they are still open.  When asked how long they stayed open? We were told that last year they were open from March 1st until December 1st.  It sounded like they had not made a decision for this year yet.  In a recent Facebook post they noted that they would close when the weather made them close.  So . . . you may want to consider doing this here at the end of the summer or  fall if you are interested. If in doubt just check their Facebook page or call them. Starting September 6, they are only open on Friday, Saturday and Sundays.

Admiral Twin Drive In, Tulsa, OK

Phone    918-392-9959

Email      information@selectcinemas.com

Website     http://www.selectcinemas.com

A double feature is played each evening with two screens playing. Their Facebook info page indicates you cannot switch screens. We were also told this upon entering.

Sound comes through your radio speaker. You must have an FM radio to get the sound. Movie goers are allowed to sit outside of their cars with their lawn chairs or blankets if they wish. We noticed many folks opted to do this.

Animals allowed on a leash. Not allowed in restrooms or concession stands.

Admiral Twin operates a grill / concession stand. It was noted on Facebook that at times they have Food Trucks also as an option. I would check Facebook if you want to know on this.

Movie Times are listed on their website www.selectcinemas.com  or http://www.admiraltwindrive-in.com can be gotten by calling them  918-392-9959 or you can locate this information on their Facebook page.

Prices: 12 and up is $7:00 and 3 – 11 is $3:00.

They are located 7355 East Easton, Tulsa, OK.

admiral twin drive in acutal view of from distance

Special Note: As always, it is important to do  your homework if this is a family outing as to movies that are showing and determining if they are appropriate for your age of children.  Even though you can stay for both movies as it is a double feature, you do not have to. It appeared they try to do some family movies and some more adult type movies too.

If you’re in the mood to try something a bit old-fashioned and think your honey or family might like this kind of venue, it may be worth checking out.

Coping with Working on a Holiday – How to Make the BEST of it as a Couple or Family

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couple kissing goodbyeWith each holiday, we have this feeling of relief. It is a time to relax and rest for a bit or maybe do something we normally do not have time to do.  But in reality, many people do work on the holidays or at least part of the holiday. So . . . how do we handle this situation?  For some it means upset and disappointment take the driver’s seat. How can we take charge and use this as an opportunity to make the best of a hard situation and pull together to still be happy?

  • Starting with coming from a place of understanding and love can help. Talking about it with each other and really listening to how the other feels is a good start. Respectfully sharing our feelings is healthy. Acknowledging and accepting each other’s feelings go a long way to being able to work through upset feelings. 
  • Develop a PLAN as to how to work with the situation.  For example, you cannot go on your day trip you wanted to do on Saturday, so you go on Sunday. Or if you must work the whole holiday, maybe a day is taken off close to this time frame to MAKE YOUR OWN HOLIDAY.  Taking charge and being proactive to include some time in some way can help.  Yes, it is not exactly the same, but it can still work and still give you the time together that you want.
  • Express appreciation to the person who is having to work, letting them know that you appreciate how they are doing what they have to do to help to support the family, etc.  And that you know that they really don’t want to work and would prefer to be home. Let them know you will miss them and be ready to do something special or relaxing with them when they can do so with you.
  • Express appreciation to the person who is home, letting them know how you know that it is disappointing and you appreciate their understanding.
  • Consider some extra efforts to stay connected. An extra call or text might help to remind each other that you are thinking of the other. Or leave a hand written note for your loved one telling them you love them and will miss them.  Or maybe delivering some lunch or meeting for lunch can help a bit. Or the person at home or remaining family at home can make a special dish or treat for the loved one that has to work.
  • Choose to be happy with the time you do have. Avoiding the trap of continuing to be upset when everyone is re-united.
  • Finding something fun YOU can do while your loved one is gone. This helps you to be in charge of your happiness and not let circumstances dictate your feelings.

saying-goodbye-315x205 little girl, hand wave

If there are choices as to working on holidays and you know your loved ones really need  you, then by all means take this time off.  There may be conflicting needs, if so take  time to talk about this as a couple to decide what makes sense for you as a couple or as a family. You may need really need the money or you may be ok with out it. Your boss may be ok with letting you off or they may not. Trying to work to balance and meet everyone’s needs are important. It is the talking and listening and trying to be there as much as possible that makes a difference. And then when you cannot be with each other how you CHOOSE to handle it. 

Reconnecting as a Couple as Children Leave the Nest

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empty nestIt may not feel like it will every happen. But then it does. They LEAVE the nest! It may be to go off to college or to live in their own living space or maybe to get married. And there you have it – AN EMPTY NEST. So what does one do with an empty nest? One can choose to fill it with something else.  One thing that can happen is for “the couple” to reconnect and cuddle up in that nest. It can feel really nice for sure.  For many “empty nesters” they find that they have lost of a bit of their connection with their spouse or partner as they have many times put their full energy into raising their children. So let’s look at some ways to RECONNECT with our spouse or partner after the children are no longer living full-time in our homes.

  • First of all, recognize the normal feelings of grief and loss. This is a time to SUPPORT one another by really listening and acknowledging each other feelings. It is very possible you will have similar but also different feelings about your child leaving home. Being there for each other in dealing with the normal feelings of loss is crucial.  Also, understanding you will have somewhat different perspectives. This is not a bad thing. You can broaden your outlook by really hearing each other.
  • Be gentle with each other as to how long it takes to adjust and adapt to your child leaving home. One of you may have more difficulty than the other. Or it may be that one will have trouble in the beginning and the other may have more upset after some time has passed. Being aware that it may affect you differently will help.
  • Begin to find the good things about your child leaving home. NUMBER ONE, you have done your job, they are moving on to create their own adult lives; they are going to college or starting a new job or maybe starting their own family. Do we really want them to stay at home forever? Of course not. We want them to be strong, independent, happy adults. But it is hard to see them go.
  • NUMBER TWO, this new space creates an opportunity for you to re-connect as a couple. It can be a time to get to know one another again. A time to enjoy each other with a new freedom that was not possible before when your child or children were at home. Oh, the things you can do, the places you can go!
  • NUMBER THREE, It is time to create a new VISION for what you want to be as a COUPLE. And then go for it!

There is so much more to this story, but a bit to hopefully think about and begin this journey of re-connection and re-commitment to one another. Here is to the two of you! ♥♥