Tag Archives: healthy communication

How to Listen So Your Loved One Feels Loved

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listening couple

Of all the things that I hear most about as a therapist that is folks feeling like they are not being listened to. I hear this from adults and children alike. From couples to parent-child relationships. We ALL want to feel listened to. It makes us feel safe and protected. It makes us feel LOVED. And who doesn’t want to feel this way when we are with our loved ones.

So if I had to pick out one thing that would be at the top of my list for good relationship building, it would be to LISTEN with your heart and soul.  For seeming so simple, it can feel a bit elusive. Most of us have had experiences where some one says to us, “You are not listening!” Or it may be on the other side of the coin and we are feeling our loved one is really not hearing us or getting what we are trying to say.  Let’s take a look at the HOW TO of REALLY GOOD LISTENING.

  HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR LOVED ONE FEELS LOVED  

1. “Be There” if You Want it to Count.  First up you have to BE THERE for good listening to take  place. Of course, we have to be there physically, but we have to really be there on an emotional level as well.

  •  PHYSICALLY being in the same room, being fairly close, being turned toward, being eye to eye and being in a stance that indicates you are giving your full attention and focus. This would also mean we cannot be looking at our iPhones or on our laptops or watching tv, or face booking etc. We have all gotten a bit obsessed with being “plugged in”. We have to “unplug” to really hear each other.
  • EMOTIONALLY being open to putting yourself on hold and hearing what your loved one has to say, being non-judgmental without seeing their feelings as “right” or “wrong”, but just feelings, being open to feeling what it might be like to be in their shoes.

2. Listen without Interrupting, Avoiding Advise Giving. This one is not easy. Many of us struggle with this one. What we have to remember is if we interrupt, it feels like we are not listening. And when we give advise, it might feel like we do not feel our loved one can figure it out on their own. Of it may feel we are discounting their feelings. In other cases, we may be asked for our thoughts and opinions and of course in this case we can share our thoughts for their consideration. Some folks really want this and if so enter in without being overbearing.

3. Acknowledge and Reflect What You Think They Have Said. Try to summarize what your loved one is talking about and to check out if you are getting what they are saying. This helps to do this fairly frequently along the way as it can be hard to reflect if too much is said. This is different from interrupting. Normally interrupting is to give our opinion. Reflecting is letting the person talking know you are really hearing them.

4. Ask How You Can Help. Doesn’t it feel great when someone asks how they can help. We know we are cared for and our loved one is there to support us. So by all means do ask.

 

Special Notes:

  • Not Able to Listen due to the environment, time or emotional state you are in. Be honest and open and let your loved one know you really want to hear what they have to say, but you are exhausted and want to give it your full attention when you are in a better state. Do follow-up as soon as possible.  Your children are all around you and you feel distracted, so suggest a concrete time to sit and talk when it is more private. Maybe you are very upset with the issue at hand, so you ask for a break to cool down. The main thing is to be concrete with a set time for later if you must delay.
  • Avoid Answering Your Phone or Getting Side Tracked with Other’s Interrupting. Doing this will show that your top priority is your loved one. This will go a long ways to a person really feeling listened to.
  • Remember when you listen to your loved one, they will reciprocate. Thus the basis for healthy communication.

So LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. It is the foundation for all good relationships!

 

 

PRAISE That Makes Your Relationship Stronger and More Connected

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couple with woman smiling

So what kind of praise can make your relationship stronger and more connected? I would say hands down, “Descriptive Praise”. It is the most powerful kind of praise as to making a connecting impact. We all like to be praised or hear the good stuff about us. But there are specific ways to give praise that is most helpful and carries the strongest punch. This is “DESCRIPTIVE PRAISE”. And the cool thing is that it can be used for all of your relationships.

What is Descriptive Praise?

Descriptive Praise is different from traditional praise, which normally is expressed with a “Good job.” OR “That was great.” OR “Wonderful”  Traditional praise is evaluative in nature. Descriptive Praise is when you describe out in detail what you have seen or heard or feel and then it is left open for the receiver to take it in and praise themselves. The sender comes across as really seeing and noticing all of the small details of what has occurred which has so much more impact. Some like to add a summation after the description of the details of what has occurred to give it a more powerful effect.

Who Can it Be Used With?

I first heard about “Descriptive Praise” when I read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Later I saw the authors speak when they came to Tulsa.  I then became involved in teaching their group workshop materials and have found through the years that “Descriptive Praise” is applicable for all relationships: Parent / Child and Couples. Actually for any relationship.

What Are the Specific Benefits of Descriptive Praise?

  • A closer connection with your loved one who feels very acknowledged and really very seen and heard.
  • The receiver will feel good about their behavior as it has been witnessed by a loved one or someone who they know and care about. It can be a self-esteem booster.
  • It gives the receiver an opportunity to look in detail at what they have done and praise themselves. This is a very healthy kind of praise.
  • In regard to parent / child relationships, the detailed nature of descriptive praise helps to wire the brain with what parents may feel is behavior that they wish and hope their children to continue.

Examples for Your Consideration

couple eating salad and smiling

Couple Examples:

“I see you have made supper for us tonight. And look at all that chopping and pre work you have done to make our veggie soup. You even made a fresh green salad to go with it. You are really taking care of us! Thank you.”

“I was so busy and I know I told you I was going to throw in a load of laundry, but I forgot. Looks like you did it for me. You saw I was over my head and came to my rescue.”

“I loved my Valentine’s present. You noticed me looking at those pretty scarfs and went back and bought me one. You were really paying attention to what I like. That makes me feel so special.”

child and parent talking and smiling

Parent / Child Examples:

” You picked up your room. All the books are on the shelf. The clothes are in the hamper. Your papers on your desk. And legos in their special Lego bin. That is what I call being organized.”

” You came home and got a snack and went straight to your room to work on your home work. You chose to get your homework done early. You were thinking ahead.”

“You were mad at your friend and you choose to use your words instead of hitting him. You know how to control yourself.”

 

I hope you will give descriptive praise a try with your loved ones. It may feel a bit wordy but I think you will find the effort very much worth your time. I know your loved ones will love it and you for it!

My ending example. This one is for you 🙂 “You saw this blog title and decided this article was worth taking a look at. So you took your time and read it through. You are open to new ideas to improve your relationships. You take time for what is important to you.”

So how did that feel?

 

Source for the original descriptive praise concept: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Negative to Positive Talk with Your Loved Ones

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happy_face_wwwDo you ever catch yourself feeling like you are being really negative and you don’t know how to turn it around? Most of us have had this kind of experience and it can be frustrating. We want to tell someone about our upset feelings, yet still be positive. I am proposing two different techniques for your consideration. These are both very simple one and two sentence statements.

Consider the use of the phrase “Even though . . . ” 

This would involve first of all acknowledging your feelings of upset and then ending the statement with what positive way you are going to handle this upset feeling. Here are some examples:

“Even though I am so mad I could scream,  I am going to choose to take a deep breath and ask you what happened. ”

“Even though my feelings are hurt, I want to try to understand why you did this.”

“Even though I am unhappy with what you did, I am choosing to ask that we sit down and talk about this.

“Even though I am feeling  anxious about what you are saying, I am going to stay calm and listen to all you have to say.

These statements respect and acknowledge your feelings and at the same time leave a door open for positive discussion and dialog.

These are of course the beginning of a dialog. But they set the tone for positive communication and potential joint problem solving.

Consider the use of the use of the dual words, UNFORTUNATELY, FORTUNATELY

UNFORTUNATELY, I am very stressed out and everything feels like too much. FORTUNATELY, I  know that I just need a bit of time by myself to feel ok again.

UNFORTUNATELY, I got so upset I yelled at you when I should not have. FORTUNATELY, I  know when to admit I was wrong and apologize.”

UNFORTUNATELY, I was so mad that I said some things that I really did not mean. FORTUNATELY, I have calmed down and can think more clearly and tell you want I need to say respectfully.

UNFORTUNATELY, I have been really depressed about our son’s behavior and I know that is all I talk about. FORTUNATELY, I have come to the realization that we need to talk about other things too that are positive.

This technique can be used for yourself personally to help you change negative thoughts to positive ones.  And as I have shown this  can also be used as a way to shift more negative thoughts and feelings to more positive ones with your relationship talk. 

I like both of these techniques as they are a nice balance of being able to be respectful of our upset feelings and at the same time offers a way to turn them into positive, hopeful statements. Try them and see what you think!