Couple Relationship | creating branches

What are the foundation pieces for a lasting and connected relationship? Do you want your relationship to be a long-term one that is filled with love and true connection? Drs John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute have developed the Sound Relationship House after 30 years of research. There is much to learn from their well-built house with its layers of what is needed to have a long-term, successful relationship with high couple satisfaction.

Here are the key components of “The Sound Relationship House”.

The Friendship Quadrant (the first three stories of your sound relationship house)

Love Maps – This involves knowing each other’s inner world, including both what is distressing and what brings happiness.
Fondness and Admiration – Affection, appreciation and respect are shown.
Turning Toward – Choosing to turn toward opposed to away or against when there is bid for positive interaction

The Positive Perspective

This is what you feel about your relationship. The first three levels – Love Maps, Fondness & Admiration, and Turning Towards are the foundation for your perspective. Positive affect in conflict management and relationship repair that is successful also affects your perspective.

Manage Gonflict

The Gottman’s feel that the goal for conflict is “management” opposed to “eliminating” it. There will always be conflict / differences of opinion. And that is not a bad thing. It gives us an opportunity to know our partner at a deeper level and to love them in the way they need to be loved. The Gottman research indicates that 69% of problems that are continuing are not resolvable. Thus, management opposed to elimination. Regardless of who you choose for a partner there would be a set of perpetual, non resolvable problems. Understanding and dialogue and some potential shifts may occur.

Management of Perpetual Problems – Shifting from Gridlock to Discussion and Understanding with Acceptance
Management of Solvable Problems – The steps involved for these resolvable issues are: Softened Start Up, Repair and De-Escalation, Accepting Influence, Compromise, and Acceptance of What Cannot Be Changed

Making Life Dreams Come True

Creating an environment where you encourage each other and support each another’s dreams and deeply held convictions is important in a successful relationship.

Creating Shared Meaning

We have now entered the attic of the Sound Relationship House. Here you will find buried treasures for your relationship. When you create shared meaning this deepens and helps to bond your relationship. Part of this can be done by creating meaningful and pleasurable rituals that have meaning for you as a couple.

Trust and Commitment

The two supporting walls of your home in the Sound Relationship House will be “TRUST” and “COMMITMENT”. When your actions show you can be trusted and you have a long-term commitment to your relationship this will provide the stability that your relationship needs.

Source: Clinical Training Manuel for Gottman Institutes Level 2, Gottman Method Couples Training.

I had the opportunity to attend the Gottman’s Institutes Level 2 Clinical Training – Gottman Method Couples Training this last week in Dallas. The Gottman’s Sound Relationship House was presented as a way to see the total picture of what is needed for a happy, healthy relationship. You can find more information by going to the Gottman Institute’s website: www.gottman.com

So what kind of praise can make your relationship stronger and more connected? I would say hands down, “Descriptive Praise”. It is the most powerful kind of praise as to making a connecting impact. We all like to be praised or hear the good stuff about us. But there are specific ways to give praise that is most helpful and carries the strongest punch. This is “DESCRIPTIVE PRAISE”. And the cool thing is that it can be used for all of your relationships.

What is Descriptive Praise?

Descriptive Praise is different from traditional praise, which normally is expressed with a “Good job.” OR “That was great.” OR “Wonderful” Traditional praise is evaluative in nature. Descriptive Praise is when you describe out in detail what you have seen or heard or feel and then it is left open for the receiver to take it in and praise themselves. The sender comes across as really seeing and noticing all of the small details of what has occurred which has so much more impact. Some like to add a summation after the description of the details of what has occurred to give it a more powerful effect.

Who Can it Be Used With?

I first heard about “Descriptive Praise” when I read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Later I saw the authors speak when they came to Tulsa. I then became involved in teaching their group workshop materials and have found through the years that “Descriptive Praise” is applicable for all relationships: Parent / Child and Couples. Actually for any relationship.

What Are the Specific Benefits of Descriptive Praise?

A closer connection with your loved one who feels very acknowledged and really very seen and heard.
The receiver will feel good about their behavior as it has been witnessed by a loved one or someone who they know and care about. It can be a self-esteem booster.
It gives the receiver an opportunity to look in detail at what they have done and praise themselves. This is a very healthy kind of praise.
In regard to parent / child relationships, the detailed nature of descriptive praise helps to wire the brain with what parents may feel is behavior that they wish and hope their children to continue.

Examples for Your Consideration

Couple Examples:

“I see you have made supper for us tonight. And look at all that chopping and pre work you have done to make our veggie soup. You even made a fresh green salad to go with it. You are really taking care of us! Thank you.”

“I was so busy and I know I told you I was going to throw in a load of laundry, but I forgot. Looks like you did it for me. You saw I was over my head and came to my rescue.”

“I loved my Valentine’s present. You noticed me looking at those pretty scarfs and went back and bought me one. You were really paying attention to what I like. That makes me feel so special.”

Parent / Child Examples:

” You picked up your room. All the books are on the shelf. The clothes are in the hamper. Your papers on your desk. And legos in their special Lego bin. That is what I call being organized.”

” You came home and got a snack and went straight to your room to work on your home work. You chose to get your homework done early. You were thinking ahead.”

“You were mad at your friend and you choose to use your words instead of hitting him. You know how to control yourself.”

I hope you will give descriptive praise a try with your loved ones. It may feel a bit wordy but I think you will find the effort very much worth your time. I know your loved ones will love it and you for it!

My ending example. This one is for you 🙂 “You saw this blog title and decided this article was worth taking a look at. So you took your time and read it through. You are open to new ideas to improve your relationships. You take time for what is important to you.”

So how did that feel?

Source for the original descriptive praise concept: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

creating branches

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