Category Archives: Relationship Building

We don’t seem to have anything to talk about . . . re-kindling the fire and passion of REAL conversation

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couple-talking-on-couchI was sitting at a restaurant tonight and noticed a couple sitting across the way from me. They each seemed to be in their own world. He on his i-phone and her staring off into space. It struck me that they might as well have been eating by themselves. They did not appear to have anything to talk about. I have witnessed this before and have had couples tell me before that they don’t seem to have anything to talk about. So I say it may be time to get to know each other again. Remember that sweet time when you were first together as a couple. You could not wait to talk to each other and you could talk for hours on the phone with each other. Some of this of course is that very special beginning time of a new relationship when we are getting to know each other and we want to know and hear all the other has to say.  We may not completely re-create that time frame, BUT we can create REAL and deep conversations that we can only have after co-creating some history together. This is not to say that we should not look at doing a re-do as to getting to know each other again in regard to some of the basics as we have grown and changed since the beginning of our relationship. We can do both.

So how do we get to know each other again . . . 

  • We can pretend we are just meeting each other and see what we find. We may be surprised. What kinds of questions might you ask a new date. “Tell me what you do . . . ” “Do you like it?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” ” I know I feel really passionate about . . . what about you?”
  • Really hearing and listening and reflecting back what you hear, can make you a very inviting person to talk to. Asking questions that show your interest and curiosity can make the other feel like you really want to know. This of course will create more openness and likely sharing.

As a couple with some history, you are ready and able to talk about some things in more depth. Topics such as the following might add to your conversation menu.

  • Religion or Spirituality – “What did you think about what Pastor Jim said about . . .?” “I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when . . . What do you think? ” “Are you happy with our church?”
  • Financial – “We seem to have different ideas about chore money for the children. I wonder if we should try to find a compromise?”
  • Politics and World Affairs – “What do you think about the . . . situation?”
  • Goals – This could be goals you have for yourself or goals that you put together for yourselves as a couple. “What kinds of goals do we want for us for this next year?”
  • Feeling Check In – “What was the best part of your day? How about the hardest part of your day?” Of course, there are many variations on this. Choose what feels most appropriate.
  • Something You Read or Heard That You Found Interesting and Worth Talking to Your Partner About. “I found out today that Tulsa County has the most meth labs in the US. I wonder why that is?”
  • Common Interests Conversation – “Hey, I just heard there is a new art exhibit at . . . ” “I am wondering if we should try a new hiking trail? I heard something about . . . Have you heard anything about . . . ?”
  • Work (In or Outside of the Home)- “Tell me about your new project on . . .”
  • Your Children – “What do you think we should do about . . . being anxious about making new friends?”
  • Flirtation / Playful Talk – “You are looking good sweetheart!”
  • Encouragement Conversation – “So I know you have been having a hard time with . . .  How can I help you?”

middle age couple talking on couch

As you know you will have differences of opinions and think differently about certain things. Remember to acknowledge what your partner has to say even if you see it differently. Then you can tell your side of it. This will keep you wanting to continue to talk to each other. Being respectful of differences of opinion can go a long way to create interesting and deep conversations.

There is so much to share and talk about. Being there sharing and listening keeps your relationship alive and growing. And isn’t that what we all want.

Coping with Working on a Holiday – How to Make the BEST of it as a Couple or Family

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couple kissing goodbyeWith each holiday, we have this feeling of relief. It is a time to relax and rest for a bit or maybe do something we normally do not have time to do.  But in reality, many people do work on the holidays or at least part of the holiday. So . . . how do we handle this situation?  For some it means upset and disappointment take the driver’s seat. How can we take charge and use this as an opportunity to make the best of a hard situation and pull together to still be happy?

  • Starting with coming from a place of understanding and love can help. Talking about it with each other and really listening to how the other feels is a good start. Respectfully sharing our feelings is healthy. Acknowledging and accepting each other’s feelings go a long way to being able to work through upset feelings. 
  • Develop a PLAN as to how to work with the situation.  For example, you cannot go on your day trip you wanted to do on Saturday, so you go on Sunday. Or if you must work the whole holiday, maybe a day is taken off close to this time frame to MAKE YOUR OWN HOLIDAY.  Taking charge and being proactive to include some time in some way can help.  Yes, it is not exactly the same, but it can still work and still give you the time together that you want.
  • Express appreciation to the person who is having to work, letting them know that you appreciate how they are doing what they have to do to help to support the family, etc.  And that you know that they really don’t want to work and would prefer to be home. Let them know you will miss them and be ready to do something special or relaxing with them when they can do so with you.
  • Express appreciation to the person who is home, letting them know how you know that it is disappointing and you appreciate their understanding.
  • Consider some extra efforts to stay connected. An extra call or text might help to remind each other that you are thinking of the other. Or leave a hand written note for your loved one telling them you love them and will miss them.  Or maybe delivering some lunch or meeting for lunch can help a bit. Or the person at home or remaining family at home can make a special dish or treat for the loved one that has to work.
  • Choose to be happy with the time you do have. Avoiding the trap of continuing to be upset when everyone is re-united.
  • Finding something fun YOU can do while your loved one is gone. This helps you to be in charge of your happiness and not let circumstances dictate your feelings.

saying-goodbye-315x205 little girl, hand wave

If there are choices as to working on holidays and you know your loved ones really need  you, then by all means take this time off.  There may be conflicting needs, if so take  time to talk about this as a couple to decide what makes sense for you as a couple or as a family. You may need really need the money or you may be ok with out it. Your boss may be ok with letting you off or they may not. Trying to work to balance and meet everyone’s needs are important. It is the talking and listening and trying to be there as much as possible that makes a difference. And then when you cannot be with each other how you CHOOSE to handle it. 

Reconnecting as a Couple as Children Leave the Nest

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empty nestIt may not feel like it will every happen. But then it does. They LEAVE the nest! It may be to go off to college or to live in their own living space or maybe to get married. And there you have it – AN EMPTY NEST. So what does one do with an empty nest? One can choose to fill it with something else.  One thing that can happen is for “the couple” to reconnect and cuddle up in that nest. It can feel really nice for sure.  For many “empty nesters” they find that they have lost of a bit of their connection with their spouse or partner as they have many times put their full energy into raising their children. So let’s look at some ways to RECONNECT with our spouse or partner after the children are no longer living full-time in our homes.

  • First of all, recognize the normal feelings of grief and loss. This is a time to SUPPORT one another by really listening and acknowledging each other feelings. It is very possible you will have similar but also different feelings about your child leaving home. Being there for each other in dealing with the normal feelings of loss is crucial.  Also, understanding you will have somewhat different perspectives. This is not a bad thing. You can broaden your outlook by really hearing each other.
  • Be gentle with each other as to how long it takes to adjust and adapt to your child leaving home. One of you may have more difficulty than the other. Or it may be that one will have trouble in the beginning and the other may have more upset after some time has passed. Being aware that it may affect you differently will help.
  • Begin to find the good things about your child leaving home. NUMBER ONE, you have done your job, they are moving on to create their own adult lives; they are going to college or starting a new job or maybe starting their own family. Do we really want them to stay at home forever? Of course not. We want them to be strong, independent, happy adults. But it is hard to see them go.
  • NUMBER TWO, this new space creates an opportunity for you to re-connect as a couple. It can be a time to get to know one another again. A time to enjoy each other with a new freedom that was not possible before when your child or children were at home. Oh, the things you can do, the places you can go!
  • NUMBER THREE, It is time to create a new VISION for what you want to be as a COUPLE. And then go for it!

There is so much more to this story, but a bit to hopefully think about and begin this journey of re-connection and re-commitment to one another. Here is to the two of you! ♥♥

A Celebration to Begin the New School Year – Setting a Positive Tone for Your Child

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back to school colored pencilsThe school year has started for most children and teens.  It is a time filled with buying new school clothes and school supplies; adjusting to new school schedules, etc. Let us not forget to CELEBRATE the beginning of school with our child or teen.  Celebrating can apply to any age, whether you have a first grader or a high school student.  You might be wondering,“Why do we want to celebrate the beginning of the new year.? Here are my thoughts:

  • Most importantly, setting the tone that this is a time to be excited about, to be happy about  having the opportunity to learn new things and meet new people. Sometimes we forget that it really is a time to embrace the joy of learning and being able to potentially make new friends. It is easy in our busy lives to forget that imparting this kind of message can affect how our children think about school. Most of us really do want our children to love learning and like school.
  • Celebrating is a one way of injecting some excitement and hopefulness into this sometimes stressful transition. It is one of the things that we can do before or after school starts. It is not too late to say “Let’s celebrate school starting school this week or last week, etc.” Celebrating implies that it is a good thing. It is one way for you to help put a positive spin on school and the year ahead.
  • It is a way for  you and your child or children to connect in regard to school. We all want to be a part of our child’s school world. This is a way to begin the year with that kind of connection.
  • Celebrating is enjoyable and helps to give the feelings of good things to come. And is this not what we want. We want our children or teenagers to feel there is good to come. As we know what we envision is many times what we get.

How might we celebrate the beginning of school with our child or teen? Each family will have their own unique way of doing this that is a good fit for them. I am listing some potential ideas for your consideration. But, again, you will have your own ideas as to what fits.

  1. Consider the age of your child or children and what will feel like a celebration to them. 
  2. Making sure we let our child or children know what we are celebrating and why. For example: “Let’s celebrate school starting. Lets …. “or “Let’s celebrate school starting. Do you have some ideas as to what we might do?” “Let’s celebrate school starting.  Let’s  . . . or maybe . . .  to celebrate.  Which do you think would be the most fun?”
  3. A special meal, possibly one of their favorites with maybe a special dessert of healthy treat to top it off is always appreciated.
  4. An appropriate gift with school starting can fit the bill.  Your child’s age will of course make a difference here. I remember when my daughter was a first grader how she loved the new globe I bought her.  You will know your child and what would be an encouraging gift that leaves the message of school is important and it can be fun too.  It could be a cool new back pack or a gift certificate for . . . “
  5. A conversation about what they are hoping to learn this year or what class they are particularly excited about or any specific goals they have for themselves can be helpful. Plus, of course your encouraging words or affirmations of good things to come make sense in this conversation. This, of course, is a good time to highlight what you consider their strengths.”
  6. Another possibility is to have a back to school party for your child’s class at your house or at a park, etc.  If your child is one that is feeling a bit of a loss as to making new friends and connecting socially this may be one way to help with that. Plus, a way for you to meet parents of your child’s classmates.

It really is a time to CELEBRATE the wonderful opportunity to learn new things and hopefully to create the stage for the love of life long learning. So best wishes in finding the best way to celebrate the beginning of school starting with your child or teen!

Write an Old Fashioned Love Letter

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thumb(10)In today’s fast paced technology world, we sometimes forget about the lovely feeling you get when someone writes you a hand written note or letter.  Yes, it takes more time than a quick text or email or a face book entry.  But it is a something that feels special and is more treasured than some of other avenues mentioned above. This is not to say an affectionate text in real time cannot fit the bill at times or that a longer email cannot have it’s place. And I know for those who are avid face book users, a public show of love may feel very nice.

But, a LOVE LETTER is so very sweet and lovely all in it’s own right. A LOVE LETTER is something that can be kept in a special place and re-read and treasured for years to come. So consider sending a love letter to your sweetheart. The taking the time to find a piece of stationary or a blank note card and the additional time it takes to write the letter WILL be appreciated.

Here are a few possible things to consider as you write your LOVE LETTER to your special loved one.

  • Consider what you put your love letter on. It can be a piece of fun stationary that shows your personality or your loved one’s personality. Or a blank note card with a picture on the cover that is a fit for your loved one or something that makes you think of the two of you.  It may be you decide to be creative and think about something a bit more outside of the box, so to speak.  I know of a person whose love letter was written on the back of a Whole Foods sack, her favorite store as a heath food girl and then put in a small wooden box with a very pretty heart  on top. She was delighted.  Of course, really any paper or note card will do, but this extra step is a nice touch. But it is the words that count.
  • Hand write your note if at all possible. If you really have to word process it on your computer, do so. But the hand written part is part of the novelty of the old fashioned love letter.
  • Let your loved one know how special they are to you. Tell them what it is that you appreciate about them. You will have your own words.
  • Date your love letter. For it will be kept and years from now it will be glad you did.
  • Send your letter in the mail if you can. This makes it even more fun. Or you can put it in a special place in the house where they will find it. Or put it in the front seat of their car. Etc.

Note: There are quicker, shorter versions you can do of the love letter. It can be on a sticky note and put on his or her bathroom mirror. A simple “Good morning beautiful, I love you!”.  OR “Have a wonderful day, Love You!” Again, you will  have your own words and your own special places.

love letter

Have fun writing your love letters!!!  Your loved one will love you for it. ♥♥♥

Balancing “In the Moment” and “Creating a Vision” for our Realtionships

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Barefoot_couple____by_sergey1984There is a lot of talk today about living “in the moment”.  And on the other end of the spectrum we hear a lot about “setting a vision” or a goal to keep us going where we want to go. So which is it? In the moment or creating a vision? I say both!

As this blog is focused on relationships, I will use relationships as the base to work around for discussing this balancing act of “living in the moment” and “creating a vision” for what we want. And I do think it is a real balancing act and that it will probably look a bit different for each couple or family.  I do think that we all struggle with this question or opposing viewpoint on how we live our lives. So how can we have both in our relationships? Let’s first look at the two, at first look, very different philosophies of how we live our lives and relate to our loved ones. And then how we might possibly combine these two different ideas.

What does “in the moment” really mean???  Well, most feel this is living fully within the place and time you are given.  Really being “in the present” and not focusing on the past or the future.  Concentrating on the time and place you are in and who you are with and the gift of the interaction between the two of you. It is a lovely thought and can have a very freeing feeling to only be in the here and now and really focusing on your loved one.

Then there is the “vision makers”. Those who want to create visions and goals. There are some differences here I suppose as to visions and goals and how folks define these words. This may look very different for different folks. But my version would be creating visions or goals that are what we feel would most fit our lives and in this case fit our relationships. For example: the vision of what you want your relationship to look like and concretely making that happen to the best of your ability.

So can we have both, I say yes we can. We can create visions and goals for our relationships and work to make them happen.  Of course, jointly deciding what we both want and creating a “joint vision” is the most healthy and satisfying for both people in the relationship.  Then within that framework we fully enjoy the moments we have with each other and we take the time to really “be with” the ones we love. Basically, I am suggesting we CHOOSE to jointly “create a vision” of what we both want for our relationship and we go for it, meaning we pull out all the stops to make that happen. And we enjoy this wonderful ride with each other. Yes there will be bumps along the way, but we have each other to hang onto! Here is the to wonderful roller coaster of life. Enjoy!

Balancing the Relationships in Our Life

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scaleThere is just so much time in a day and it seems everyone is needing your time, including you needing some time for you!  There is the larger issue of balancing our time in regard to work, relationships, volunteer commitments, time for ourself and more. It is hard knowing how to make it all fit. I think it works best when we consciously decide what is most important to us and try to balance accordingly.

I would like to address more specifically balancing the relationships in our life. For relationships to be nourished and grow, they of course must have attention and focus. So how do we manage to keep all of our relationships alive and thriving. Some things to consider are as follows:

1.  Consider what relationships are most important to you. Does where you use your time reflect that these relationships are important to you?

2. You might consider the dual nature of how finding time for both family and couple time is inter-related and beneficial with a balance of these two entities. For a couple to be strong they must have one on one time with out their children at times.  This helps to keep the initial bond healthy and strong. This is needed to co-parent children in a synergistic way. Being refreshed and happy as a couple will mean more patient, loving parenting. On the other side of the coin, spending family time fulfills the full circle and is very satisfying to the couple that they are meeting the needs of their children.  It is rewarding to see your children happy and thriving from the time you have spent with them.

3. Going out with other couples is not “couple time” and really does not count as individual, one on one couple time. Yes it is fun and can be beneficial to be with other couples. But true “couple time” is when the two of you spend time together with out others involved. 

4.  Time spent does not always equal into nurturing and connecting time. Making sure you plan activities that encourage connection and interaction time is important.

5. Having friendships with others outside of our family can be healthy and helpful. As parents, being with other parents helps to feel not so alone in the sometimes challenging tasks of raising children.  Or maybe being with other empty nesters can help normalize the sometimes challenging transition.  I have found it does make a difference who we choose to have as friends. They can be a very healthy influence or a not so healthy influence. 

6. In ending I might say I have found that different stages may require a different breakdown of how much time we spend with each of our loved ones. But, we have to remember that all relationships will need some time and attention to stay alive and vibrant. Communication with all about these issues can help too.  Different folks may have different needs than our own. So when we talk about our needs and find out what our family and friends need to stay connected we can better grow these relationships.

Here is to balancing and growing and staying connected with the ones we love!!! 

A time to go, a time to rest – TAKING A COUPLE’S NAP

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napping dogsSometimes what we need is not to go somewhere; but, to listen to our bodies and rest when we need to. I am not talking about disrupting sleep schedules, but at times a NAP is what we need. There is something really warm and relaxing about taking a nap together as a couple. Maybe you have had an exhausting week and it is Saturday or Sunday afternoon and you have evening plans, but you are just so tired that you are cranky and not feeling like doing anything. You just want to curl up and go to sleep.

Yes, the weekend feels like many times that we need to hurry and get things done while we are not working. Or that we must do a family activity or a couple activity. But NAPPING can be the perfect couple activity!   

So . . .  if  you both feel tired and out of sorts, why not take a little nap TOGETHER. It can be a time to cuddle up and let the world go by for a bit. A time to feel close and relaxed together. A time to take care of yourselves and be connected and close all at the same time. 

You may be thinking I have kids. How does this work.? Well, it depends. If they are little and they have their own nap time, you can do it during this time period. If they are no longer napping,  you might arrange for a play date with a neighbor child. Or maybe you take advantage while your child or teen is out doing their own thing at a birthday party or practice, etc.

Here is to taking a break and connecting all at the same time!

HAPPY NAPPING !!!   

Daily “Feeling Check In” to Stay Connected

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how-u-are-feeling

We all know ideally we should connect on a deeper level on a daily basis with our loved ones. We really want to connect, but sometimes we get busy or tired or distracted and it just does not happen. Putting a FEELING CHECK IN as part of your routine can help.

I have found it can  help with connecting if we can set up a structured time to do a FEELING CHECK IN with each other. Here is what this might look like:

  • Ideally, this would be daily. But if not daily this could be done whenever you can. You might consider a weekly check in if your family is really busy and you think this might be more likely to happen.
  • This can be done as a couple or as a family or as a parent / child activity (If you have more than one child this could be done individually with each one of them privately.)
  • If you connect your FEELING CHECK IN  to another daily activity it is more likely to happen. For example: At the dinner table every night or with your child as part of their bedtime ritual.
  • The format can be structured in a variety of ways and you can decide what works best for you and your loved ones. Some possible FEELING CHECK IN formats are listed below. You can of course come up with your own unique FEELING CHECK IN format that best fits your own unique family. You are the expert on your family!
  1. Tell me about your least favorite part of the day. What about your most favorite part of your day?
  2. What was the most exciting part of your day? What was the most boring part of your day? What about what made you feel happy today? Any sad things that happened to you? Or things that made you angry? Things you really feel proud of? (You can mix this up or do the same each day. Plus, you can decide for yourself what feelings you most want to highlight and how many you want to include). You will not want this to come off as an interrogation or as invasive. Teens may be particularly sensitive. One of the briefer formats may work best for them.
  3. On a 1 to 10, with 10 being the best how was your day today? What made it that way?
  4. What feeling did you have the most today? 
  5. Tell me your top three feelings you had today.

 If you are doing this activity as a family you will want to consider the ages of your children and what they will understand and most be able to relate to. 

If you do this activity as a whole family (or as a parent / child or even as a couple) I feel care should be taken to protect privacy and need to not share, meaning someone should always be able to pass and not be pressured to reveal something they are not ready to share. Letting your children know they can always pass is important. We want to encourage sharing,but not force sharing. 

Last of all when your loved one shares their feelings with you, be respectful with full attention and focus; acknowledging and reflecting without giving advice and questioning. They will love you for this unconditional, loving response!  ♥ ♥

“We Love and Appreciate You!” Birthday Book

“We Love and Appreciate You!” Birthday Book

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This last week was my birthday and my family presented me with a Birthday Book filled with notes of love and appreciation from my family and friends. This is something I have put together for a number of people in … Continue reading →