Negative to Positive Talk with Your Loved Ones

Posted on September 19, 2013 by Tanna Strom

Do you ever catch yourself feeling like you are being really negative and you don’t know how to turn it around? Most of us have had this kind of experience and it can be frustrating. We want to tell someone about our upset feelings, yet still be positive. I am proposing two different techniques for your consideration. These are both very simple one and two sentence statements.

Consider the use of the phrase “Even though . . . ”

This would involve first of all acknowledging your feelings of upset and then ending the statement with what positive way you are going to handle this upset feeling. Here are some examples:

“Even though I am so mad I could scream, I am going to choose to take a deep breath and ask you what happened. ”

“Even though my feelings are hurt, I want to try to understand why you did this.”

“Even though I am unhappy with what you did, I am choosing to ask that we sit down and talk about this.

“Even though I am feeling anxious about what you are saying, I am going to stay calm and listen to all you have to say.

These statements respect and acknowledge your feelings and at the same time leave a door open for positive discussion and dialog.

These are of course the beginning of a dialog. But they set the tone for positive communication and potential joint problem solving.

Consider the use of the use of the dual words, UNFORTUNATELY, FORTUNATELY

UNFORTUNATELY, I am very stressed out and everything feels like too much. FORTUNATELY, I know that I just need a bit of time by myself to feel ok again.

UNFORTUNATELY, I got so upset I yelled at you when I should not have. FORTUNATELY, I know when to admit I was wrong and apologize.”

UNFORTUNATELY, I was so mad that I said some things that I really did not mean. FORTUNATELY, I have calmed down and can think more clearly and tell you want I need to say respectfully.

UNFORTUNATELY, I have been really depressed about our son’s behavior and I know that is all I talk about. FORTUNATELY, I have come to the realization that we need to talk about other things too that are positive.

This technique can be used for yourself personally to help you change negative thoughts to positive ones. And as I have shown this can also be used as a way to shift more negative thoughts and feelings to more positive ones with your relationship talk.

I like both of these techniques as they are a nice balance of being able to be respectful of our upset feelings and at the same time offers a way to turn them into positive, hopeful statements. Try them and see what you think!

Fill the “Buckets” of Your Loved Ones and See Happiness Grow

Posted on September 12, 2013 by Tanna Strom

I ran across the children’s book Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids by Carol McCloud just recently while at a local bookstore. I have another book for children on this topic, but really liked how this one was done. For those of you who are not familiar with the “Bucket” concept, this is how it works. Please note that this is for all ages!!!

Everyone has an invisible bucket (this is how this particular author explains it to children). The bucket is to hold your good thoughts and feelings about yourself.
You feel happy when it is full and sad when it is empty.
We need each other to help fill our buckets.
To fill a bucket you simply show love to someone (for example a hug or kiss), say or do something kind, or make someone feel special.
You can also be a “bucket dipper” by taking out some good feelings by saying hurtful or mean things, being critical, making fun of someone, etc.
You feel good when you fill someone else’s bucket

I might add I feel it is also important to let children know they can help to fill their own buckets by using “positive self talk”. What we say to ourselves is crucial in how we feel about ourselves. Our thoughts can add or take out good feelings from our buckets.

I also think it is helpful to let children know that it is ok to tell your family that your bucket it low. And that you can help to fill it. This is ditto for couples too!

Family or Couple Bucket Activity:

One fun way to make this concept concrete is to have a bucket for each person in your family. Family members can write each other notes of love and appreciation and put them in the buckets. Everyone might even decorate their own bucket and put their name on it. This could be a fun family activity. Or even for a couple this would be a nice concrete way to show your love for each other.

Good luck in filling those buckets!

An Evening of Wine and Roses at Tulsa Rose Garden, September 27, 2013

Posted on September 12, 2013 by Tanna Strom

Want to stroll the Tulsa Rose Garden, tasting wines from all over the world as you munch on elegant hors d’oeuvres and desserts. Then plan on attending Tulsa Garden Center’s 19th annual “An Evening of Wine and Roses” on September 27 from 7:00 – 9:30 pm. Over 150 wines from across the world will be available for tasting and many of Tulsa’s top-notch restaurants will provide the food for this event. You must be 21 years of age to attend this event. The cost is $65. for Tulsa Garden Center members and $80. for non members. There is also the option of being a sponsor and attending their tasting in the Mansion from 6:00 – 7:30 pm. The ticket cost is $130. for this event. Space is limited for both tastings and the reservations deadline is September 20. Call Tulsa Garden Center at 918-746-5125 to make your reservation.

Tulsa Garden Center

Woodward Park

Municipal Rose Garden

2435 S.Peoria

This could be a very fun couple date night. The proceeds of this event benefit The Tulsa Garden Center. For more information visit Tulsa Garden Center’s Website http://www.tulsagardencenter.com

Note: If this does not fit your budget or you prefer you own private party or your own kind of food, you might consider going another evening, bringing your own special picnic or treats. I would suggest checking the curfew for the Tulsa Rose Garden so you can stay within the time they are open to the public.

Enjoy the roses and the wonderful outdoors as you stroll the gardens with your sweetheart!

We don’t seem to have anything to talk about . . . re-kindling the fire and passion of REAL conversation

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Tanna Strom

I was sitting at a restaurant tonight and noticed a couple sitting across the way from me. They each seemed to be in their own world. He on his i-phone and her staring off into space. It struck me that they might as well have been eating by themselves. They did not appear to have anything to talk about. I have witnessed this before and have had couples tell me before that they don’t seem to have anything to talk about. So I say it may be time to get to know each other again. Remember that sweet time when you were first together as a couple. You could not wait to talk to each other and you could talk for hours on the phone with each other. Some of this of course is that very special beginning time of a new relationship when we are getting to know each other and we want to know and hear all the other has to say. We may not completely re-create that time frame, BUT we can create REAL and deep conversations that we can only have after co-creating some history together. This is not to say that we should not look at doing a re-do as to getting to know each other again in regard to some of the basics as we have grown and changed since the beginning of our relationship. We can do both.

So how do we get to know each other again . . .

We can pretend we are just meeting each other and see what we find. We may be surprised. What kinds of questions might you ask a new date. “Tell me what you do . . . ” “Do you like it?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” ” I know I feel really passionate about . . . what about you?”
Really hearing and listening and reflecting back what you hear, can make you a very inviting person to talk to. Asking questions that show your interest and curiosity can make the other feel like you really want to know. This of course will create more openness and likely sharing.

As a couple with some history, you are ready and able to talk about some things in more depth. Topics such as the following might add to your conversation menu.

Religion or Spirituality – “What did you think about what Pastor Jim said about . . .?” “I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when . . . What do you think? ” “Are you happy with our church?”
Financial – “We seem to have different ideas about chore money for the children. I wonder if we should try to find a compromise?”
Politics and World Affairs – “What do you think about the . . . situation?”
Goals – This could be goals you have for yourself or goals that you put together for yourselves as a couple. “What kinds of goals do we want for us for this next year?”
Feeling Check In – “What was the best part of your day? How about the hardest part of your day?” Of course, there are many variations on this. Choose what feels most appropriate.
Something You Read or Heard That You Found Interesting and Worth Talking to Your Partner About. “I found out today that Tulsa County has the most meth labs in the US. I wonder why that is?”
Common Interests Conversation – “Hey, I just heard there is a new art exhibit at . . . ” “I am wondering if we should try a new hiking trail? I heard something about . . . Have you heard anything about . . . ?”
Work (In or Outside of the Home)- “Tell me about your new project on . . .”
Your Children – “What do you think we should do about . . . being anxious about making new friends?”
Flirtation / Playful Talk – “You are looking good sweetheart!”
Encouragement Conversation – “So I know you have been having a hard time with . . . How can I help you?”

As you know you will have differences of opinions and think differently about certain things. Remember to acknowledge what your partner has to say even if you see it differently. Then you can tell your side of it. This will keep you wanting to continue to talk to each other. Being respectful of differences of opinion can go a long way to create interesting and deep conversations.

There is so much to share and talk about. Being there sharing and listening keeps your relationship alive and growing. And isn’t that what we all want.

Family Night or a Couple’s Date Night at Admiral Twin Drive In- Tulsa’s Outdoor Movie Theater

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Tanna Strom

I recently had a chance to take in a movie at the Tulsa’s Admiral Twin Drive In. This is Tulsa’s old-time outdoor movie theater. It was fun! Thought I might pass the idea on to you as a potential Couples Date Night or as Family Night Out. As this is a seasonal activity, I decided to go ahead and write this piece while they are still open. When asked how long they stayed open? We were told that last year they were open from March 1st until December 1st. It sounded like they had not made a decision for this year yet. In a recent Facebook post they noted that they would close when the weather made them close. So . . . you may want to consider doing this here at the end of the summer or fall if you are interested. If in doubt just check their Facebook page or call them. Starting September 6, they are only open on Friday, Saturday and Sundays.

Admiral Twin Drive In, Tulsa, OK

Phone 918-392-9959

Email information@selectcinemas.com

Website http://www.selectcinemas.com

A double feature is played each evening with two screens playing. Their Facebook info page indicates you cannot switch screens. We were also told this upon entering.

Sound comes through your radio speaker. You must have an FM radio to get the sound. Movie goers are allowed to sit outside of their cars with their lawn chairs or blankets if they wish. We noticed many folks opted to do this.

Animals allowed on a leash. Not allowed in restrooms or concession stands.

Admiral Twin operates a grill / concession stand. It was noted on Facebook that at times they have Food Trucks also as an option. I would check Facebook if you want to know on this.

Movie Times are listed on their website www.selectcinemas.com or http://www.admiraltwindrive-in.com can be gotten by calling them 918-392-9959 or you can locate this information on their Facebook page.

Prices: 12 and up is $7:00 and 3 – 11 is $3:00.

They are located 7355 East Easton, Tulsa, OK.

Special Note: As always, it is important to do your homework if this is a family outing as to movies that are showing and determining if they are appropriate for your age of children. Even though you can stay for both movies as it is a double feature, you do not have to. It appeared they try to do some family movies and some more adult type movies too.

If you’re in the mood to try something a bit old-fashioned and think your honey or family might like this kind of venue, it may be worth checking out.

Coping with Working on a Holiday – How to Make the BEST of it as a Couple or Family

Posted on August 30, 2013 by Tanna Strom

With each holiday, we have this feeling of relief. It is a time to relax and rest for a bit or maybe do something we normally do not have time to do. But in reality, many people do work on the holidays or at least part of the holiday. So . . . how do we handle this situation? For some it means upset and disappointment take the driver’s seat. How can we take charge and use this as an opportunity to make the best of a hard situation and pull together to still be happy?

Starting with coming from a place of understanding and love can help. Talking about it with each other and really listening to how the other feels is a good start. Respectfully sharing our feelings is healthy. Acknowledging and accepting each other’s feelings go a long way to being able to work through upset feelings.
Develop a PLAN as to how to work with the situation. For example, you cannot go on your day trip you wanted to do on Saturday, so you go on Sunday. Or if you must work the whole holiday, maybe a day is taken off close to this time frame to MAKE YOUR OWN HOLIDAY. Taking charge and being proactive to include some time in some way can help. Yes, it is not exactly the same, but it can still work and still give you the time together that you want.
Express appreciation to the person who is having to work, letting them know that you appreciate how they are doing what they have to do to help to support the family, etc. And that you know that they really don’t want to work and would prefer to be home. Let them know you will miss them and be ready to do something special or relaxing with them when they can do so with you.
Express appreciation to the person who is home, letting them know how you know that it is disappointing and you appreciate their understanding.
Consider some extra efforts to stay connected. An extra call or text might help to remind each other that you are thinking of the other. Or leave a hand written note for your loved one telling them you love them and will miss them. Or maybe delivering some lunch or meeting for lunch can help a bit. Or the person at home or remaining family at home can make a special dish or treat for the loved one that has to work.
Choose to be happy with the time you do have. Avoiding the trap of continuing to be upset when everyone is re-united.
Finding something fun YOU can do while your loved one is gone. This helps you to be in charge of your happiness and not let circumstances dictate your feelings.

If there are choices as to working on holidays and you know your loved ones really need you, then by all means take this time off. There may be conflicting needs, if so take time to talk about this as a couple to decide what makes sense for you as a couple or as a family. You may need really need the money or you may be ok with out it. Your boss may be ok with letting you off or they may not. Trying to work to balance and meet everyone’s needs are important. It is the talking and listening and trying to be there as much as possible that makes a difference. And then when you cannot be with each other how you CHOOSE to handle it.

Reconnecting as a Couple as Children Leave the Nest

Posted on August 23, 2013 by Tanna Strom

It may not feel like it will every happen. But then it does. They LEAVE the nest! It may be to go off to college or to live in their own living space or maybe to get married. And there you have it – AN EMPTY NEST. So what does one do with an empty nest? One can choose to fill it with something else. One thing that can happen is for “the couple” to reconnect and cuddle up in that nest. It can feel really nice for sure. For many “empty nesters” they find that they have lost of a bit of their connection with their spouse or partner as they have many times put their full energy into raising their children. So let’s look at some ways to RECONNECT with our spouse or partner after the children are no longer living full-time in our homes.

First of all, recognize the normal feelings of grief and loss. This is a time to SUPPORT one another by really listening and acknowledging each other feelings. It is very possible you will have similar but also different feelings about your child leaving home. Being there for each other in dealing with the normal feelings of loss is crucial. Also, understanding you will have somewhat different perspectives. This is not a bad thing. You can broaden your outlook by really hearing each other.
Be gentle with each other as to how long it takes to adjust and adapt to your child leaving home. One of you may have more difficulty than the other. Or it may be that one will have trouble in the beginning and the other may have more upset after some time has passed. Being aware that it may affect you differently will help.
Begin to find the good things about your child leaving home. NUMBER ONE, you have done your job, they are moving on to create their own adult lives; they are going to college or starting a new job or maybe starting their own family. Do we really want them to stay at home forever? Of course not. We want them to be strong, independent, happy adults. But it is hard to see them go.
NUMBER TWO, this new space creates an opportunity for you to re-connect as a couple. It can be a time to get to know one another again. A time to enjoy each other with a new freedom that was not possible before when your child or children were at home. Oh, the things you can do, the places you can go!
NUMBER THREE, It is time to create a new VISION for what you want to be as a COUPLE. And then go for it!

There is so much more to this story, but a bit to hopefully think about and begin this journey of re-connection and re-commitment to one another. Here is to the two of you! ♥♥

A Celebration to Begin the New School Year – Setting a Positive Tone for Your Child

Posted on August 23, 2013 by Tanna Strom

The school year has started for most children and teens. It is a time filled with buying new school clothes and school supplies; adjusting to new school schedules, etc. Let us not forget to CELEBRATE the beginning of school with our child or teen. Celebrating can apply to any age, whether you have a first grader or a high school student. You might be wondering,“Why do we want to celebrate the beginning of the new year.? Here are my thoughts:

Most importantly, setting the tone that this is a time to be excited about, to be happy about having the opportunity to learn new things and meet new people. Sometimes we forget that it really is a time to embrace the joy of learning and being able to potentially make new friends. It is easy in our busy lives to forget that imparting this kind of message can affect how our children think about school. Most of us really do want our children to love learning and like school.
Celebrating is a one way of injecting some excitement and hopefulness into this sometimes stressful transition. It is one of the things that we can do before or after school starts. It is not too late to say “Let’s celebrate school starting school this week or last week, etc.” Celebrating implies that it is a good thing. It is one way for you to help put a positive spin on school and the year ahead.
It is a way for you and your child or children to connect in regard to school. We all want to be a part of our child’s school world. This is a way to begin the year with that kind of connection.
Celebrating is enjoyable and helps to give the feelings of good things to come. And is this not what we want. We want our children or teenagers to feel there is good to come. As we know what we envision is many times what we get.

How might we celebrate the beginning of school with our child or teen? Each family will have their own unique way of doing this that is a good fit for them. I am listing some potential ideas for your consideration. But, again, you will have your own ideas as to what fits.

Consider the age of your child or children and what will feel like a celebration to them.
Making sure we let our child or children know what we are celebrating and why. For example: “Let’s celebrate school starting. Lets …. “or “Let’s celebrate school starting. Do you have some ideas as to what we might do?” “Let’s celebrate school starting. Let’s . . . or maybe . . . to celebrate. Which do you think would be the most fun?”
A special meal, possibly one of their favorites with maybe a special dessert of healthy treat to top it off is always appreciated.
An appropriate gift with school starting can fit the bill. Your child’s age will of course make a difference here. I remember when my daughter was a first grader how she loved the new globe I bought her. You will know your child and what would be an encouraging gift that leaves the message of school is important and it can be fun too. It could be a cool new back pack or a gift certificate for . . . “
A conversation about what they are hoping to learn this year or what class they are particularly excited about or any specific goals they have for themselves can be helpful. Plus, of course your encouraging words or affirmations of good things to come make sense in this conversation. This, of course, is a good time to highlight what you consider their strengths.”
Another possibility is to have a back to school party for your child’s class at your house or at a park, etc. If your child is one that is feeling a bit of a loss as to making new friends and connecting socially this may be one way to help with that. Plus, a way for you to meet parents of your child’s classmates.

It really is a time to CELEBRATE the wonderful opportunity to learn new things and hopefully to create the stage for the love of life long learning. So best wishes in finding the best way to celebrate the beginning of school starting with your child or teen!

Write an Old Fashioned Love Letter

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Tanna Strom

In today’s fast paced technology world, we sometimes forget about the lovely feeling you get when someone writes you a hand written note or letter. Yes, it takes more time than a quick text or email or a face book entry. But it is a something that feels special and is more treasured than some of other avenues mentioned above. This is not to say an affectionate text in real time cannot fit the bill at times or that a longer email cannot have it’s place. And I know for those who are avid face book users, a public show of love may feel very nice.

But, a LOVE LETTER is so very sweet and lovely all in it’s own right. A LOVE LETTER is something that can be kept in a special place and re-read and treasured for years to come. So consider sending a love letter to your sweetheart. The taking the time to find a piece of stationary or a blank note card and the additional time it takes to write the letter WILL be appreciated.

Here are a few possible things to consider as you write your LOVE LETTER to your special loved one.

Consider what you put your love letter on. It can be a piece of fun stationary that shows your personality or your loved one’s personality. Or a blank note card with a picture on the cover that is a fit for your loved one or something that makes you think of the two of you. It may be you decide to be creative and think about something a bit more outside of the box, so to speak. I know of a person whose love letter was written on the back of a Whole Foods sack, her favorite store as a heath food girl and then put in a small wooden box with a very pretty heart on top. She was delighted. Of course, really any paper or note card will do, but this extra step is a nice touch. But it is the words that count.
Hand write your note if at all possible. If you really have to word process it on your computer, do so. But the hand written part is part of the novelty of the old fashioned love letter.
Let your loved one know how special they are to you. Tell them what it is that you appreciate about them. You will have your own words.
Date your love letter. For it will be kept and years from now it will be glad you did.
Send your letter in the mail if you can. This makes it even more fun. Or you can put it in a special place in the house where they will find it. Or put it in the front seat of their car. Etc.

Note: There are quicker, shorter versions you can do of the love letter. It can be on a sticky note and put on his or her bathroom mirror. A simple “Good morning beautiful, I love you!”. OR “Have a wonderful day, Love You!” Again, you will have your own words and your own special places.

Have fun writing your love letters!!! Your loved one will love you for it. ♥♥♥

Arts and Humanities Council of Tulsa’s “Imagination Days” Third Saturdays – FREE

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Tanna Strom

“Imaginations Days” is sponsored by The Arts & Communities Council of Tulsa at the Hardesty Arts Center every third Saturday in 2013. These events are open in conjunction with the regular AHHA gallery hours. This FREE family activity time is inspired by the current gallery exhibit. The theme and exhibitions are changed frequently to provide new experiences.

WHERE:

Arts & Humanities Council Hardesty Arts Center (AHHA)

101 East Archer Street

Tulsa, Oklahoma

In the Brady Arts District, at the corner of Boston & Archer.

WHEN:

Third Saturdays, 2013

August 17

Note: This month’s activity revolves around the Fiberworks exhibit.

September 21

October 19

November 18

Open from 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm (This is during regular AHHA gallery hours.)

And it is FREE to the public!

Activities start in the American Electric Power Foundation/Williams Family Studio, which is located in AHHA’s second floor next to the Loft Gallery. For more information you can call the Arts and Community Council at 918-584-3333. You can also follow this link to find out more information about the Imagination Days. ahct.org/programs/imagination-days/

The Arts and Humanities Council of Tulsa’s HARDESTY ARTS CENTER is not only a wonderful opportunities for families to enjoy art together but it is also would be a great outing for a couple. Go to their website www.ahct.org to find out more about the gallery and the upcoming exhibitions and also about the many programs that they offer for adults, teens and children.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: