Creating Your “Couple’s Bucket List”

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bucket with two plants closeup

Maybe you have your own bucket list, but do you have a “Couple’s Bucket List”? If not it may be a good time to do so if you are in a long-term, committed relationship. I have put together some thoughts as how to get started.

Why Make a “Couples Bucket List”?

  1. It can help activate discussion and  clarify what things are important to you as a couple.
  2. It can create a sense of cohesiveness with creating shared goals.
  3. It can build shared purpose.
  4. It is a first step toward designing a life you want together.

 

What Goes on a “Couple’s Bucket List”?

  • This can be shared goals. Things you have decided that are important to you as a couple.
  • This can be experiences you wish to have together.
  • This can be a place you want to go visit as a couple.
  • This could be a restructured way of living or being for the both of you.

Here is an example of a “Couple’s Bucket List”. This is not mine or anyone that I know. Just one I created to help you have some ideas as to what yours might look like. There is no wrong or right way to do this. It is what fits for you and your loved one.

John and Susan’s Bucket List

  1. Travel to Europe
  2. Weekly Date Night
  3. Learn How to Tango
  4. Weekend Cabin in the Woods
  5. Learn to Scuba Dive Together
  6. Totally Free Weekends with No Work
  7. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity as a Couple

 

 

bucket with two plants longshot with table and two chairs

The Steps in Putting Together Your “Couple’s Bucket List”

  1. Schedule some time with your sweetheart and brainstorm some ideas as to what might possibly go on your “Couple’s Bucket List”. Be spontaneous and carefree with your ideas. Plus,  include some time to be more thoughtful and reflective as you generate  ideas.
  2. Then go back through together and decide what is a fit for both of you.
  3. Create your list and put it somewhere where you both can see it. You might consider just for fun to put your list on a bucket shaped piece of paper you create or download from the internet.
  4. And of course lastly, begin to take some steps toward living your bucket list. You probably will not work on all of these at once. That may be a bit overwhelming, but you can choose one item that you both feel strongly about or that you feel is doable for the current time and take a small, concrete step toward this shared dream.

Variations of Bucket Lists for Couples:

  • A general list that is more long-term in nature
  • A more specific time oriented list, for example for a particular season or time frame.
  • A list of what you want to do before you have children or while you have children or when your children leave home.
  • Do as a yearly couple’s  ritual at the beginning pf the new year. After the first year it would be an updating. Your thoughts will change and shift of course with time and as you grow as a couple. Plus, it would be a great time to do a check in and see what progress you have made on your “couple bucket list”.

So what is on your bucket list???  Have fun creating your own special “couple’s bucket list”!

A Very Simple Calming Breathing Technique for All Ages

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pink rose from tanna's back yard

Looking for a way to calm yourself or help your child calm himself. Try this very simple breathing technique. What makes it a bit different is that it is extremely simple and tries  to incorporate your memory of a pleasant sight and smell. And most of all it is Simple, Simple, Simple. And I have decided so many times those are the things we can remember easily if we are feeling stressed and over the top.

Here is my version of this simple technique:

MY ROSE

1. Visualize a beautiful rose. Or you could imagine a rose garden if you wanted. Maybe your favorite color of rose or roses. (If you are explaining to a child, you might say “Think about a beautiful rose.”)

2. Take a deep breath and smell your rose. (Remember the wonderful smell of a rose and keep this in mind as you are breathing in your rose.)

3. Hold the wonderful smell for a few moments. (This would be at the top of your incoming breath. Hold in that great smell, enjoying it.)

4. Let your breath come out with a sigh or just naturally as you think of your rose.

5. Continue smelling roses until you feel calmer.

 

Alternatives to the Rose:

  • You can of course use any flower that you love and that you like the smell of.
  • You can also choose another sight that has a pleasant smell that you particularly like. This might be the ocean and the smell of the ocean OR it might be trees in a forest and the smell of a forest. This of course will be an individual thing as to what fits for you.

You might consider if you want to do the rose as your “calming anchor” to make sure you on purpose smell some roses outside or at a flower market and breath in their fragrance and do this exercise to build in a memory.

I have decided you never know where you might pick up a good idea. In this case, I was watching the movie, Danny Collins. There is a part where his young granddaughter is having trouble calming herself. Danny’s granddaughter has a diagnosis of ADHD.  The father tells her to remember her rose and then he walks his daughter through a similar kind of exercise that I have added to a bit.  I always want to give credit to sources that inspire or plant a seed for an idea for me.

I wish you the best in finding your own special rose or rose garden!

 

 

“The Good, The Bad and the Ugly” of the Digital Age and Our Relationships

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texting at the dinner table color animated

How are we all doing when it comes to our highly digital age and our relationships? That depends. Because there really does seem to be The Good, The Bad and The Ugly when it come to how the digital world has affected our relationships. I am referring to: cell or iPhones, which entails instant communication, texting, tweeting, face timing,  Then we have face book, you tube, web surfing, etc,  So let’s look at some of the positives and the negatives of fast paced, instant communication with access to lots of people with many blurred boundaries. It is hard to keep up. A stopping and mindfully looking at all of this for families and couples is so very important I think.

The Good

There are positive things about our current ways of communicating. Here are some of them.

  • We can have almost instant contact with our loved ones.
  • We can use our digital communication for the good. We can stay in closer contact with the special people in our life.
  • We can communicate with children and partners to assure us they are safe and protected.
  • We have multiple ways of expressing our affection for our children and our loved ones.
  • Children in two home families can have access to both homes via our digital world.

The Bad

  • We can very easily fall into spending more time with our iPhones, iPads and laptops than our loved ones.
  • Our children may feel ignored if we become so immersed in our face booking or you-tubing or web surfing that we are not able to focus on them when they need it.
  • Our spouses may accuse of us of spending more time with our facebook friends than with them.
  • Digital communication is not face to face and is not a replacement for time one on one, physical time with our loved ones that is needed for a healthy relationship.

The Ugly

  • Inappropriate or fuzzy boundaries when texting, emailing, face booking can lead to 3rd party relationships that can aid the beginnings of emotional or physical affairs
  • Airing martial or couple disagreements or separations on face book or other social media forums can lead to damage that is difficult to repair in a relationship
  • Online pornography addition that will strongly impact most marriages in a negative way.

 

How to make the good things even better AND the keep the “bad” and “ugly” in check and within boundaries . . . 

  1. Mindfully use today’s technology to strengthen your relationships. Use it to connect more, but not in place of physical connection. We need touch and physically seeing and being with one another. Texting, face booking, and cell phone conversations are nice supplements, but they are not a replacement for the “real deal”.
  2. Really listen to your loved ones about their feelings about your time spent on social media or texting, etc. Not only what they are saying but tuning into their body language and behavior in relationship to all of digital communication.
  3. Develop firm, healthy boundaries to protect your relationships in regard to whom and how you communicate with others. 
  4. Set the tone for what is healthy and what is respectful in your home with your children and teens when it comes to all of their electronic devices. Be a good model and follow through with rules you have put in place.
  5. Take a break from technology when you are having family or couple time.  You can really focus and “be with” your loved ones when you do.  You might consider meal times as a “no phone” time in your family. Or when you have special family or couple outings.
  6. Consider the bedroom as “off-limits” for all electronic devices. Our bedrooms can be our sanctuary away from the world and a special place to be with our loved ones.

laptop and person in bed

 

 

I have to say we are all in a wave of more and more electronic communication and are feeling our way as to what is most helpful and healthy for us. I think the key is to thoughtfully “choose” what is best for us and our loved ones. We do have a choice. Best wishes with your own, choices to create a balance that includes your loved ones.

 

“Inside Out” Movie – It may not be what you think . . .

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inside out feeling control panel

I decided as a family therapist I should go check out the new movie, INSIDE OUT. As I knew I would have children talking with me about what they saw and their reactions to it. Plus, a nice lead in as to talking about feelings. What I found is that INSIDE OUT is probably really suited  best for older children and adults. I found lots of adult couples taking the show in the day I went. And for good reason, the messages are really best for those with some abstract reasoning.

The show is coming from the perspective of 11-year-old Riley’s feelings. The “stars” of the movie are: Joy, Fear, Angry, Disgust, and Sadness. Riley’s mind or “command center” is directing her actions. Riley has just moved to a new city due to Dad’s new job.  Riley’s past experiences have been happy ones in general and the move and transition to a new city and new school has her confused and upset as she tries to transition to her new life.

You might ask so what are some of the core messages that someone might come away with? Well for me I found the following:

inside out joy and sadness looking at memory globe

  1. All feeling are helpful. It is sort of interesting that in this movie, Sadness  turns out to be the hero and saves the day. We sometimes feel we have to work hard not to be sad, when really we need to let our children and loved ones know it is ok to be sad. That sometimes acknowledging the sadness can help us back to the happy feelings we want to have. And yes, there is a time when we need to move past sadness and move on to more positive feelings. Our feelings let us know if we need a course correction. And sometimes this is a bit of a journey.
  2. We are constantly making memories and those memories will have our own individual filter, which may be different from others.  I think that as parents we have to remember our children and for that matter our spouses or partners will not always see things as we do.
  3. “Being With” our loved one is one of the most important things we can do when they are going through a hard time. I do think that in the end this message comes through with the 11-year-old Riley connecting with her parents and beginning to feel better.
  4. It is never too late to process our feelings and make sense of them.  Even if we have gone through a hard time and things are not going well, we can always shift gears and come back and understand what has happened and work through it.

I like to tell my clients (children and adults alike) that feelings are our friends. They are our emotional guidance systems. They help us know what is really going on with us and what we may need to do to get back to where we want to be.

All this said, this movie is not a light, happy-go-lucky movie. And some feel it is sad or a bit dark. I had an elementary aged boy tell me recently he thought the movie was sad. When I asked which part, he said lots of parts. This was his individual perspective. There are some fun, humor parts. Some of these parts of intended for children and some for adults. The movie does has more depth than some folks would anticipate though.

I did feel the movie probably over simplified how memory works. And put a bit of a dark spin on it. Even though I do know that negative memories do have more affect on us than the positive ones. One reason we want to try to keep the happy memories at a much higher level to keep them in place in our brains.

inside out riley and her family

http://www.commonsensemeda.org is an organization that can be helpful at times in giving some thoughtful insight for parents in movies that come out. Some of the parents on this site who reviewed this movie had some concerns about the incident were the main character 11-year-old Riley steals her mom’s credit card and runs away and when she is re-united with her parents that they do not have a discussion with her about these actions. Another reviewer talks about preschool children crying over sad incidents in the movie. Most of the positive reviews tended to come from parents who had older elementary children or teens.

Note:  As with all movies parents have the huge responsibility of deciding what is a good fit for their individual child and what they are ready to see. Not an easy thing. This movie is probably best for children who have some abstract reasoning in place.

We can always have discussion with our children after viewing a movie. I think one of the best part of a movie is the dialogue it creates. So if you feel there was a missing piece then by all means talk with your child about it.

If you are not feeling sure what you think as to your child seeing this movie, you could do a date night and go see it as parents first. This I think is always a helpful strategy for a movie we are not sure about. I do feel this movie does a nice job of highlighting for parents some of the core messages I mentioned above.

Best wishes in deciding if your child is ready for this one. If they are, there are some good core messages to glean from it.

Please note that pictures are taken from the Disney / Pixar website.

 

 

 

Feng Shui Your Heart – Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

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flower heart 7-1-15

Ever feel like your heart is heavy with sadness or anger and it just feels stuck there? Or maybe it feels all lit up with anxiety and just won’t go away.

The key is to let go of what no longer serves you.

A couple of years ago, I spent some time researching Feng Shui practices and decided I needed to Feng Shui our home. I felt like there was just too much “stuff” in our house. That it was feeling too crowded and it just did not feel soothing and pleasing to me. So I went through the house and really looked at everything with the question, “Does this bring me joy?Does it feel good to me?” At the end of the day I had a significant pile of “stuff” at the front door. And the less crowded space felt so much more soothing and pleasing to me. I had taken out what no longer served me and it let in a feeling of openness and joy. I am not completely sure my husband felt the exact same way. He did ask when he came home that night “What is all that pile of stuff at the front door for?” and I sweetly told him, “Oh, I have just been Feng Shuing our house.”

I was thinking our hearts are like our homes in that sometimes they can become cluttered with stuff we no longer need, things that no longer serve us. You may have someone who has done you wrong and it has stayed with you for a very long time. When you look at it closely you may find that you are the only one who is still re-living that upset and still feeling badly about it all.

It may be time to let go of past upsets  to make room for more joyful feelings of happiness.

Forgiveness or letting go is not about condoning or saying it was right what someone did to you, it is about letting it go so you can let the good come back into your life. You may find this to be a process, not a one time event. That is ok. But what you will find is that the more you let go, the more you will have room for the good stuff.

You may also find that your heart is filled with too much to do with not enough down time. Or you may feel certain activities or people leave you stressed or anxious. You can ask your self, “Does this activity make me feel happy or bring me joy?” Or “Do I feel this helps me fulfill what I consider my purpose or what I want to be doing?  If so there is room for this in your heart. If not, it may be time for a bit of weeding.

Letting go of those things that you really do not need or want will leave you with space for a more happy, peaceful you.

So I hope you will find time to Feng Shui your heart. You will be glad you did. Taking time to “de-clutter” your heart is well worth the effort.

After the Fight – How to Get Back to a Place of Understanding and Connection

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heart that is broken drawing

You had a fight with your loved one. You are disconnected and hurt. How do you get back to a place of connection?

It does not feel good, one bit, to have a fight with your sweetheart. This is a process that is intended to help talk about the incident without getting back into the fight itself. It is more about understanding what took place and how to make it better. And how to get that feeling of connection back.

Some of the foundation pieces to have in place before you start this process would be the following:

  • You and your loved one are no longer in place of feeling escalated or highly upset.
  • You both are feeling calm and can look at the incident with a bit of distance.
  • You can put the incident outside of yourself and really look at it as if it is on a stage before you.
  • You both acknowledge the GOAL is to understand HOW things took place.
  • You start with both knowing you each have your own separate “reality” of what happened. It is about perception, not facts.
  • You stay away from CRITICISM, DEFENSIVENESS, CONTEMPT, and STONEWALLING as you talk about what happened.
  • You choose to speak from the position of “I feel . . ” opposed to “You never …” language.

Your Way Back to Feeling Connected.

  1. Talk about how you felt. This is not about why or about what you think your partner felt.Take turns with how you each felt.
  2. Share what was going on for you – YOUR Reality. You each have a turn to do this. As one of you finishes sharing his or her reality, the other’s job is to reflect back what the general summation is of what they hear the other is trying to get across. This is not a time to attack or blame. Just tell what you needed in a positive way, beginning with “I needed . . . “
  3. Tell about anything that this discussion triggered for you. Help your loved understand what this conversation set off as far as memories for you. Each of you take time to think and share anything that your fight brought up for you. Let each other know if you understand.
  4. Be responsible by acknowledging any thing that you did that fueled the fight. This may not feel easy to do, but it sets a tone of accountability on both sides. Let each other know how you were set up for things to go the way they did. Example: “I have been sensitive lately.” or “I am over whelmed with all of our financial problems right now.” Tell your loved one what you regret and feel you need to apologize for. Let each other know if there is anything you still need to be able to let the incident go.
  5. Create a pro-active plan for what to do next time. Each share one thing they will do. Writing your plan down can be helpful and give a concrete feel that you have accomplished something toward making things better

couple hugging black and white

It may not always look as step by step as mentioned above, but if you can better understand how the other is feeling and be willing to take responsibility for your part (and there are always two parts) and end with a plan of something you each can do, this will take you a long way to understanding one another and re-connecting. And isn’t that what a good relationship is about – understanding one another and feeling a wonderful sense of connection. I think so. Best wishes for your “after a fight” conversation.

 

Source: Bridging the Couple Chasm. Gottman Couples Therapy: A Research – Based Approach. By John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D

 

“Self Talk” That Gets You Where You Want to Go

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happy girl in black and white

How powerful is your “self talk”? I would say powerful enough to change your life. That is pretty powerful. It really takes you where you want to go or not go for that matter. This is why it is so very important to take notice of what you are saying to yourself. Of course the golden rule is “What you think is what you get.” When I encourage clients to use more positive self talk, I sometimes hear “But it’s not true.” This may be the case, but if your talk is negative then what follows will tend to be negative. And vice versa.

One way to move toward more positive self talk is to transition into it. I was listening to a stress reduction audio recently and was struck by the language that was being used. They were using what I am going to call  – Progressive Positive Self Talk. This is what it would sound like with some common feeling states we may want to change.

Progressive Positive Self Talk

  1. Say what YOU WANT by expressing what WILL BE HAPPENING in the near future.
  2. Talk about BEING IN PROCESS of what you want.
  3. Declare that it HAS HAPPENED!

Here are some examples:

  1. “I am going to relax.”
  2. “My body is relaxing.”
  3. “I am relaxed”

OR

  1. “I am going to calm down.”
  2. “I am feeling more calm.”
  3. “I am calm.”

OR

  1. “I am going to choose to be happy.”
  2. “I am feeling happier.”
  3. “I am happy.”

This may be helpful in getting your self to believe and buy into positive self talk. For some it may make it all a bit more believable. And this is so very important. You have to believe for positive self talk to work. 

In addition, positive self talk can help with self control or self regulation. Knowing how to regulate and shift to a feeling state that you want to have is a valuable skill.

So what do you want? Play with the wording in which you state what you want, describe it beginning to happen and say with confidence that it is happening! You will be amazed to find you can set your intent and easily make it happen. You have the power to create what you want. 

Best wishes in using this Progressive Positive Self Talk strategy!

A Blueprint for Managing Conflict

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couple communicating with quote box filled with images

Having a healthy blueprint for handling your conflict with your partner or spouse can be ever so nice. It takes the guess-work out of what to do with the upset between you. I have been sharing from Dr. John Gottman’s research the last couple of posts. He just has so much that I feel is valuable as to creating a healthy couple relationship. This blueprint is actually a combination of Dr. Gottman’s work and Rapoport’s work that was used to help with international conflict during the Cold War. Pretty interesting how Gottman incorporated some of Rapoport’s work. Some of the core principles that he incorporated from Rapoport’s work are:

  1. We must agree that there are “two valid realities”. The focus is on perception and not facts.
  2. Each partner must feel that they have been “heard and understood”. The person’s emotions must be understood. To keep from being in an adversary position, the partners need to be able to fully express to each other their positions they are coming from and each feel they are understood. Only after this is in place can partners try to use persuasion.

Steps for Managing Conflict – The Gottman – Rapoport Conflict Blueprint

Step 1:  Listen and Validate.

The speaker and listener each have a role for this process. You and your partner will take turns being the speaker and listener. Understanding your partners point of view is crucial. 

 

As the speaker you do the following:

  • Avoid “you” statements that are blaming in nature and uses “I” statements.
  • Express your feelings.
  • You share your “positive need” opposed to a complaint.

As the listener you do the following:

  • You listen carefully to your partner and reflect back what you understood are their needs and perception. Your own “agenda” is put on hold. (Not easy, but so important.)
  • Really feel what your partner is feeling and let them know what you think they are feeling.
  • Gottman asks you to say the following to your partner, “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way and have these needs, because . . . ” This is “validating” your partner.
  • Ask your partner questions if you so desire.

Note: If you are feeling overwhelmed or “flooded”, you should take a break and “self-soothe” before you return. I feel it is important to let your partner know what you are doing so they don’t feel you have just “left”.

Step 2:  Understand Each Other’s Dreams Within Perpetual Conflict.

It is important to know the history and meaning as to each other’s perception of the issue at hand. Dialogue is the goal with acceptance of each other’s differences. You will delay trying to persuade during this step.

Step 3: Compromise with Your Partner Keeping True to Your Core Needs and Using Areas of Flexibility

Each of you will need to help your partner understand what your core needs are and why they are so important to you. Each of you will need to feel emotionally safe. Compromising takes place within areas that you each feel you have some flexibility.

Step 4:  Repair Emotional Wounds From the Past.

Process the emotional wound by understanding your two different realities. Validate and understand each other’s reality. Each of you take responsibility for your part in this emotional wound. In addition, develop a plan that can help make things better.

 

Ending Note: The key for this process appears to be about understanding and accepting each other’s realities. And then coming to a place where you can respectfully comprise on the parts that are not core needs.

I wish you the best in trying out this research-based conflict management blueprint. Check out The Gottman Institute’s website: www.gottman.com .

Source: Bridging the Couple Chasm: Gottman Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach by Drs. John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD.

 

 

What Makes for Healthy Conflict Management?

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couple ants with antennas connecting (not used as of april 10 2015)

Would you guess that positive interaction during conflict is the key to healthy conflict management?  Twenty years of research by Gottman and Levenson back this up. In a healthy relationship there will be differences of opinion and disagreement in which there will be an overriding positive to negative ratio.  At least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions will be happening for a happy, stable couple.   Basically we are talking about a whole lot of positive happening in the way you handle conflict.

I wanted to share a bit of Dr. John Gottman and Dr. R.W. Levenson research on what is seen in a relationship that is going well in the area of conflict management. After 20 years of research they concluded the following:

  • In relationships that are going well, the conflict management style is matched or congruent. Gottman uses Avoiders, Validators and Volatiles to describe preferred conflict styles. His research did find that these styles could co-exist and be happy IF there was at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction during conflict situations. Differing styles will create perpetual issues for a couple.  These need to be addressed through “dialogue opposed to gridlock”.
  • In relationships that are going well, couples will dialogue with one another rather than becoming gridlocked. Some of the ways that couples can promote dialogue opposed to gridlock are as follows:
  1. Use “Soft Start Up” opposed to “Harsh Start Up” in introducing an issue or problem.  As women bring up “issues” 80% of the time in a heterosexual relationship, this soft start-up approach is extremely important for women to understand. Of course soft start-up is crucial for men as well.
  2.  Remember men, you have influence on whether your wife or partner uses a soft or harsh start-up.  This happens by how  positively responsive or rejecting you are in your interactions with your wife or partner, especially directly preceding the conversation before the issue is brought up. As you can see it is all a bit of a relationship interaction loop. We all have are parts.
  3. Accept influence from your partner in a conflict situation opposed to choosing to escalate it by batting back.  This is particularly important for men as research shows that women rates of accepting influence are higher than men.
  4. Make sure your repair attempts are successful.  A lower level of negativity will prevail.
  5. De-escalate negativity early on.  Not many can de-escalate with high level, intense negativity. It was also found that when a conflict discussion started negatively, 96% of couples were not able to turn it around.  Also, men are mainly in the role of de-escalating negative interaction, but they can only do so when it is low-level negativity.
  6. It is ok to express anger IF it is without the escalation of negativity. But  what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are not ok: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.  Plus, belligerence is the not ok list. So expressing anger would be without any of the above involved.
  7. Infuse lots of positive interaction to create a more stable, happy relationship.  Early in the relationship,  escalation of negativity predicts early break up or divorce. Later in the relationship,  emotional dis-engagement is a predictor of breakup or divorce. Emotional disengagement, in this case, is about when there is conflict with an absence of positive interaction and a lack of negative escalation as well.
  8. Keep positive interactions in place to help with conflict de-escalation.  This is needed for soothing the male and predicting outcomes that are positive for the relationship. Of course females need this as well.
  9. Remember 69% of perpetual problems are not completely resolvable for couples. What matters is the positive interactions you build around these issues. These perpetual problems need continuing dialogue that center around acceptance of each other, affection and humor at times. In addition, you will need active coping strategies to  work with these issues. This is versus “gridlock” with criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Plus icy withdrawal and painful exchanges. We might ask ourselves which will bring us the most happy, stable relationship.
  • In relationships that are going well, on purpose avoiding becoming negative is a preemptive strategy that is employed by successful couples. This is called “preemptive repair” by researchers, Janice Driver and Amber Tabares.

As you can see, there is a lot of research that focuses on how positive interaction within conflict makes for happy, healthy couples. I hope you find this helpful.

Source:  Bridging the Couple Chasm,: Gottman Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach by John Gottman, Ph.D and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D

What Causes Relationships to Fail – Research Highlights

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couple cartoon in conflict (not used as of april 19 2015

What conflict behaviors, patterns, communication indicate which relationships will fail or be unhappy? What do we need to avoid to keep our relationships healthy? The Gottman Institute is a researched based group lead by Dr. John Gottman who is involved in ongoing research on what does and does not make relationships healthy. During my Level 1 training through the Gottman Institute I had the opportunity to obtain updates on the latest research on what leads to relationships that fail and those that thrive. The Gottman Institute has over 30 years of longitudinal research. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are nationally known researchers and trainers and well thought of in the marital therapy community. They are the authors of many books for the general public and for therapists. To find out more about them you can go to their website: www.gottman.com .This blog posting is the highlights of the John Gottman’s research on what leads relationships to failing. Specifically the below highlights their research on what is dysfunctional conflict management and how it leads to failed relationships.

 

Conflict Management Styles that Lead to Failed Relationships

  1. Higher Ratio of Negative to Positive. If the relationship is stable, you will see a positive to negative ratio of 5:1. In the relationship that is failing, you will see a positive to negative ratio of 0.8:1. Positive affect is critical in a conflict discussion or an everyday conversation. It is the balance that is important to look at. It is not that there should be no negativity, as it turns out that some is healthy in a relationship. This would include talking about interactions that are not working, talking about needed behavior changes, etc.
  2. Escalating Negativity: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling. Gottman calls these the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”. Gender differences here include: female criticism and male stonewalling. Exchange of reciprocal anger is found in both stable, happy marriages and unstable, unhappy marriages. The escalating negativity that leads to “turning away” from bids for emotional connection is the factor that leads to failed relationships. 
  3. Withdrawal and Emotional Disengagement. Here we are talking about the lack of the following: affection, humor, interest, support, engagement and empathy. Gottman calls this negative interaction style as “turning against” bids for emotional connection.
  4. Failed Repair Attempts. This is unsuccessful attempts to repair damage that has occurred in the relationship.
  5. Negative Sentiment Override. In this situation a partner sees a neutral or positive message as negative. This involves negative attributions about the other or the relationship.
  6. Continuing Physiological Arousal. This is involves feelings of being overwhelmed and wanting to flee or be aggressive. Chronic arousal activates a “general alarm response” with physical reactions. In these cases it is harder to take in information and problem solve. It makes it difficult to hear and empathize. An increase in defensiveness may occur.
  7. Males not Accepting Influence from Their Partner. This is shown with emotional disengagement or escalation of contempt, defensiveness when their partner is complaining.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman feel that conflict in relationships is normal. Their research indicates that only 31% is about issues that can be completely resolved. And that 69% is about unresolvable, perpetual issues. It is how we go about handling this conflict that is crucial in a relationship. It is finding a way to accept each other and find ways to make shifts and adaptations with positive affect opposed to a frame of gridlock.

Tune in next week for what helps couples to have a successful relationship through positive conflict management.

Note: The information for this article was taken from Bridging the Couple Chasm- Gottman Couples Therapy: A Research Based Approach. Level One. Written by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D