21 Days to Becoming a Meditator – A “Newbie’s” Journey

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candle in darkness

Do you want to meditate, but find it a bit overwhelming? Or maybe not sure where to start. You are not alone.   I have ALWAYS wanted to be a meditator. As a therapist I want to model for my clients what I know has so many, many  benefits. Well, I can now say I am on the way to becoming a meditator. I have tried off and on for several years. And then I took a great 6 week class last year and I learned a lot of foundational pieces. But I found it hard to follow through doing it on my own without support. I  ran across a downloadable program recently called: 21 Days Meditation Integration by Teri Cole.  It is set up with a Meditation Tip for each day and then a 10 minute guided meditation.  I had experienced one of her meditation cd’s last year called   Meditation Transformation. And I liked it a lot. But I found this one to be different in that it is set up in a 21 day format, which is supposed to be what it takes to form a habit. Plus this has some great daily, short tips on meditating. I just recently finished by 21st day and have continued with a daily morning meditation.  YaHoo!

The 21 Days Meditation Integration is a digital download that you can obtain from Terri’s website:  www.terricole.com  Terri is a psychotherapist and coach in the New York City area. This is information that is current as of the writing of this blog post. I might note that there are other programs out there. This is just the one that was a fit for me. You may find another program that is better for you. And it is important to note there are different forms of meditation and styles in which it is facilitated. It is worth your time to find your fit so you can incorporate this wonderful practice into your life.

Here is a bit of my Ups and Downs of Becoming a Meditator:

Day 1 – Day 10 – The First Half of Getting Started and Settled.

  •  I was not keeping a journal during the first half of my 21 days. But the things that stand out is feeling awkward and not sure about doing it. And hoping the 10 minute meditation was really going to be a 10 minute meditation as I was on a “schedule” and had to leave for work to be on time. I initially did not allow enough time to keep from worrying about what was next.  I did correct that and it did help.
  • I worried a bit about was I doing it “right”. That too had to be adapted to an attitude of compassion for myself in the learning process – knowing that it is not about doing it perfectly. But continuing to do it and finding that it got a bit easier each day.

Day 11 – An Eventful Meditation with Many Lessons

  • I got a bit distracted and found my self thinking about a text that had come in and decided to respond to it, even though I had made a deal with myself not to get into my emails and answer voice mails,etc until after my first thing early meditation. Well the text lead to thinking maybe I should check my emails. And of course some needed an “immediate response” or so I thought at the time. I finally told myself “STOP”, you are off track. Go meditate. And so I did. But due it being later it was hard to concentrate as I had become hungry. So . . . it is can be hard to not get drawn in. It can take some real self-discipline and thought about what is most important.
  • Liked the idea of breathing into my tense areas to let those begin to relax. It really did work!
  • Really did not want the meditation to end today. This felt like a shift for me.
  • My cats are attached! So they like to be with me when I am home. I had given up on keeping the doors closed to my “Zen Den” as they would yowl and cry at the door until I let them in. Yes I could have waited it out. But it really did not lend to a calm state for meditation. So for me it worked better to let them roam in and out as they liked. Well I thought it was working, until today as I was finishing up my meditation I heard one of kitties jump up on the coffee table. I thought no big deal. Or so I thought. As I finished, I petted my kitty cat and then all of sudden I smelled this awful smell and saw smoke rising up from my kitty. My cat’s tail was on fire! I had not thought about my candle on the coffee table. I ran after my poor kitty. He had enough meditating for the day. The tail was only singed and as he ran for cover he extinguished the small bit of tail that was on fire. After I opened the windows to clear the air, I did the proper Mama Cat thing to do, I cat proofed my Zen Den a bit and moved my candles up high. Not exactly were I wanted them, but the best solution for a more worry free environment. Not the way I envisioned my meditation time ending, but looking back all a bit ironic and humorous.

Day 15 – A “Peaceful Happiness”

  • By the end of this session, I felt incredibly peaceful and happy – a wonderful mix that felt so good.

Day 21 – End of 21 Day Meditation Series

  • I did it! It felt really nice to know that I could hang in there and make it happen.  I think this program was effective in that it is DOABLE for a BEGINNER and offers SUPPORT for an EXTENDED PERIOD of  TIME. Taking these small 10 minute bites of meditation was perfect for a beginner. I still consider myself a “newbie” but I now feel so much more comfortable sitting down to meditate. I have continued my practice and I now feel better about the unguided parts of my meditation. I can rest in the calm and choose what feels best for me. And lastly, I can move into a state of relaxation easier and with less effort during the day when I need to.

meditating budda

Photo by Tanna Strom

at

The Art Institute of Chicago

 

The quick tips that were most helpful for me in getting my meditation practice going were: 

  1. Setting up my “Zen Den”, a place that is conducive to a quiet time that has a pleasant surrounding. I added candles, as they make me feel calm. I recently added some peppermint / chamomile oil. I have heard of many who like to use lavender due to its calming effects.
  2. Sticking with a set time of day to do my meditation. In my case, I chose the first thing in the am. Much of the literature on meditation suggests early am or before bedtime.
  3.  Silencing my phone and any other device that might go off.  Nothing like the  phone going off or the washing machine that was set on delay going off as you are starting your meditation.
  4.  Setting up enough time so you do not feel rushed and have an underlying stressed state going on. Building in some leeway time helped as things happen. Like having trouble getting up or the cat throws up or someone messes up your Zen Den and you have to clear it out, etc, etc.
  5. Alerting other family members about what I was doing and why I was trying to keep the new “Zen Den” free of clutter and piles of things.
  6. I found keeping a daily journal to be helpful to mindfully think about my progress and reactions to meditation. Plus notes on the tips given so I could have for reference at a later time.  Unfortunately, I did not think to do this until mid way in the process. But no worries. The most important part for me was to DO THE MEDITATION. The journal piece takes a bit of extra time, which may or may not work for you.

 

PS If you did not check out my last weeks blog on the scientific benefits of meditation, I would suggest that you do so. There are so many benefits and now backed up by research. How cool is that.

If you have resources you would like to share on meditation downloads, cds, etc, please do let others know by commenting below. 

Science -Based Reasons to Meditate

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meditator siting under a tree woman blue night sky with star

Is meditation really all that helpful? Is there any real research to back it up? Yes, indeed!  I found a wonderful source for current research on meditation that I would like to share. This is taken from the Emma Seppala, Ph.D., The Science of Happiness, Health, & Social Connection website: www.emmaseppala.com   Emma is the Associate Director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. Below is her infographic that she created for one of her blog posts. It is wonderfully concise and understandable. The details of the research can be studied for those who would like to do so, by going to her Psychology Today article that she has listed within the infographic. That article has links to the research sources. The actual blog title within her website is: Benefits of Meditation: 10 Science-Based Reasons to Start Meditating Today INFOGRAPHIC.

10-Science-Based-Reasons-To-Start-Meditating-Today-INFOGRAPHIC

 

I hope you will take the time to check out Emma’s website. Her blog is excellent. She has two free guided meditations if you share your email. I have found guided meditations very helpful as a new meditator.

I will be doing a followup blog post on my own recent “newbie” journey into meditation next week. I am excited to say I have found an approach to help me finally get off the ground as to becoming a meditator.  So check back next week to see my very humble and at times humorous journey to becoming a meditator.

PRAISE That Makes Your Relationship Stronger and More Connected

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couple with woman smiling

So what kind of praise can make your relationship stronger and more connected? I would say hands down, “Descriptive Praise”. It is the most powerful kind of praise as to making a connecting impact. We all like to be praised or hear the good stuff about us. But there are specific ways to give praise that is most helpful and carries the strongest punch. This is “DESCRIPTIVE PRAISE”. And the cool thing is that it can be used for all of your relationships.

What is Descriptive Praise?

Descriptive Praise is different from traditional praise, which normally is expressed with a “Good job.” OR “That was great.” OR “Wonderful”  Traditional praise is evaluative in nature. Descriptive Praise is when you describe out in detail what you have seen or heard or feel and then it is left open for the receiver to take it in and praise themselves. The sender comes across as really seeing and noticing all of the small details of what has occurred which has so much more impact. Some like to add a summation after the description of the details of what has occurred to give it a more powerful effect.

Who Can it Be Used With?

I first heard about “Descriptive Praise” when I read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Later I saw the authors speak when they came to Tulsa.  I then became involved in teaching their group workshop materials and have found through the years that “Descriptive Praise” is applicable for all relationships: Parent / Child and Couples. Actually for any relationship.

What Are the Specific Benefits of Descriptive Praise?

  • A closer connection with your loved one who feels very acknowledged and really very seen and heard.
  • The receiver will feel good about their behavior as it has been witnessed by a loved one or someone who they know and care about. It can be a self-esteem booster.
  • It gives the receiver an opportunity to look in detail at what they have done and praise themselves. This is a very healthy kind of praise.
  • In regard to parent / child relationships, the detailed nature of descriptive praise helps to wire the brain with what parents may feel is behavior that they wish and hope their children to continue.

Examples for Your Consideration

couple eating salad and smiling

Couple Examples:

“I see you have made supper for us tonight. And look at all that chopping and pre work you have done to make our veggie soup. You even made a fresh green salad to go with it. You are really taking care of us! Thank you.”

“I was so busy and I know I told you I was going to throw in a load of laundry, but I forgot. Looks like you did it for me. You saw I was over my head and came to my rescue.”

“I loved my Valentine’s present. You noticed me looking at those pretty scarfs and went back and bought me one. You were really paying attention to what I like. That makes me feel so special.”

child and parent talking and smiling

Parent / Child Examples:

” You picked up your room. All the books are on the shelf. The clothes are in the hamper. Your papers on your desk. And legos in their special Lego bin. That is what I call being organized.”

” You came home and got a snack and went straight to your room to work on your home work. You chose to get your homework done early. You were thinking ahead.”

“You were mad at your friend and you choose to use your words instead of hitting him. You know how to control yourself.”

 

I hope you will give descriptive praise a try with your loved ones. It may feel a bit wordy but I think you will find the effort very much worth your time. I know your loved ones will love it and you for it!

My ending example. This one is for you 🙂 “You saw this blog title and decided this article was worth taking a look at. So you took your time and read it through. You are open to new ideas to improve your relationships. You take time for what is important to you.”

So how did that feel?

 

Source for the original descriptive praise concept: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Love From the Inside Out

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 self love woman with word love on hand

Which is more important loving yourself or loving others?  That should cause some discussion. I think the other question is  “Where does self-love start and does one need to love themselves to be able to love others in a healthy way?”

Love starts when we are infants. How we are raised and what messages we are given about ourselves has a profound affect on how we view ourselves and if we have a good self-esteem and if we truly love who we are. Our life experiences outside of our home also plays a part in how we feel about ourselves. This affects our relationships. How we feel about ourselves will affect our choice of partners and friends, etc. It will color our view of relationships. If you did not have an optimal childhood there are ways to work through all of this and have a healthy relationship. Being with a healthy person in your relationship can help with some of the reparative work.

To sum up some of the main ideas on the issue of self-love and love of others:

  1. Love starts with loving yourself.  If you question whether you love yourself or even like yourself, then it is time to look at this and begin a love affair with yourself. This is something that cannot be taken away from you.  It is the ultimate gift we can give our self. When we feel good about ourselves just the way we are. it opens up this wonderful space to be really HAPPY. If you have had a difficult childhood, this may mean getting some help to work through this. But it can be done.
  2. If you want others to show their love to you, starting with showing your love is a good way to get this two-way flow going. When we are open with our love and support for our loved ones, then this tends to flow back to us. If it is not flowing back, then it is ok to let folks know what you need. This may be different for different folks. Many of you are probably familiar with the Five Love Languages. The basic premise is that we have a dominant preference for what makes us feel loved. For some it may be receiving gifts. Others it may be acknowledgement and praise. For some it might be acts of service (ex. helping). Then there are those that feel loved most when they are physically touched. Some thrive on quality time.  And then lastly, it may be that you are multi-faceted, like me – I like all of these!  The main point of all of this is that we can lovingly and respectfully tell our loved ones what we need.
  3. Back to loving yourself. This is where it starts and ends. You must love yourself just as you are unconditionally to feel good about yourself. Plus. if for some reason others are not giving you the love you need you can not only communicate your needs, but you can have the basic foundation piece in place “LOVING YOURSELF” which will always serve you well. You might be wondering what does this really mean, loving yourself? For me loving my self is to live authentically, choosing my work and activities to match up with what I am passionate about and what I believe in. And it means good self-care along with caring about my happiness and those I love. You will have your own definition that fits for you.

couple face to face black and white photo

Loving “from the inside out” is loving yourself first, thus allowing your love to then be given to others in a healthy way. Remember you are unique and lovable just the way you are!

love yourself on a beach

Why Hang with Happy People?

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couple young laughing together

Does it matter who we spend our time with? I think it does. When we hang with happy people, we feel happier. I was just listening to an audio book on brain research and love and within this framework there was a discussion about “mirror neurons” in our brain. The mirror neurons in our brain help us to be attuned to those around us. So we search for how another feels and our brain internally mirrors that emotion. It is like we experienced it ourselves. So when we spend large amounts of time with those who are upset or unhappy we may find ourselves feeling this way also. If your friends are negative there will be a strong feel to want to be negative also. Or if your significant other is depressed a lot it may feel as if your mood tends to gravitate to this emotion. I am not saying that we all do not have times of upset and don’t  need to process this with another. We do. I am talking about those who are never happy or always upset and expressing it to all around them.

friends two couples laughing

We spent some time with some good friends for a get together at our house this last weekend. I always feel so good when I see these friends. They are happy, positive and upbeat. And I find myself feeling positive and upbeat when we end our time with them. This is not to say we are not REAL with each other about struggles and disappointments. We are.  It feels good to know there is no judgement, but there is always a shift and general positive feel that all is well.

So let’s think about how we can put more happy people in our life and how we can deal with those who are not so happy.

  1. We do have a choice who we hang with, for the most part. Yes we have to work with a certain group of people or at least unless we choose to work with another group of folks. This of course is something to consider if it an extreme situation. We can choose how much time to spend with different friends. We can choose to limit our time or not spend time with a negative friend. You do have control of how you spend your time and sometimes it may mean putting boundaries in place as to time spent with people you know that are very negative and do nothing to bring any happiness to your life.
  2. Lead the way, in choosing to focus on your own happy, positive feelings. You will find that it grows those kinds of feelings in those around you. In addition, you will find that folks will want to hang with you because it feels so very good to be around you. Happy attracts happy! Again, sharing upset feelings and being real is part of being human. The point is trying to balance and have your scales weight toward the happy, upbeat “half full” view of life. You can set the tone with those around you. 
  3. On purpose get together with those folks who are more positive by nature. Your brain will collect their happy, positive thoughts as though you had them yourself.
  4. If you are with a person who is not happy, reflect and acknowledge their feelings so they can feel heard and then gently move toward what might make them feel better.
  5. Consider your couple relationships and how they affect your own relationship. If you have couple friends who are unhappy and are in conflict with one another it can breed a feeling of not being satisfied. Like attracts like. Or I suppose in this case unlike attracts unlike.  When you are with couple friends who are loving and kind to each other, it serves as a reminder that this is what you are striving for also.
  6. When dealing with family members who are “in a mood’, try to be empathetic but avoid being drawn into the depths of their upset.  Just as with friends, acknowledge their upset, listen to what they need to say to process the upset and then invite them to a better place where they can let some good in. Let them know you love them and are there for them, this in itself can turn the tide toward a brighter outlook.  parent and teen talking
  7. If you are not feeling very happy, you might consider seeking out one of your friends or family members who radiate a feeling of caring and has a positive attitude. Yes be real and process those feelings, but be with someone who can help remind you of the good stuff going on in your life.

So . . . go hang with as many happy people as you can. You will be so glad you did!

4 Deep Breaths Can Change YOUR Life

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Profile of Face with Swirls

So how can 4 deep breaths change your life? It can give you the time to calm your brain and react in the way you most want or desire. We hear a lot today about meditation and breath work and the wonderful benefits of being able to lessen our anxiety and really clear the chatter and chaos from our brain. In this application, I am talking about doing something that we all can do with minimal effort. This is not an hour meditation, not to say that this would not be incredibly helpful for us. This is simply using what we have accessible in our everyday life to calm our mind and body – OUR BREATH. It is a way to allow us to be more in charge of creating the life we want.

I might add if you can combine this with a question of what do I need or want OR a positive “self talk” statement this will further aid you in creating the life and relationships you so desire.  This is a powerful combination for sure. I hope you will try it for yourself.

There are different strategies that can be used when doing breath work. From very simple to more complex. Here are some beginning possibilities to consider.

  1. To begin breath work you may want to just do a simple slow deep breath in and a slow deep breath out. 4 cycles of breath is a good goal. But it does not have to be exact.
  2. The next may be a  simple slow 4 count of breath coming in and a slow 4 count of breath coming out. Again 4 cycles being the approximate goal to calm yourself.
  3. In some yoga circles, the 4 square breath is used  This is a 4 count breath in, a holding of breath for 4 counts, 4 count breath out and then a holding of the breath for 4 counts. And then a continuation up to 4 breath cycles.
  4. Dr. Andrew Weil has a 4-7-8 breath exercise that can be used with some practice. You can check out the video below if you want to see his demonstration of this method that he teaches all of his patients. First blow out all of your air through your mouth. Then breath in through your nose to a count of 4, hold for a count of 7 and then breath out of your mouth to a count of eight. Do for 4 cycles, but no more.

Please Note: For some situations the most simple can be the most fitting. This is for you to decide what best fits for you and the situation in front of you Perfectionism is not the goal but learning something simple you can access easily where your breath becomes slower, deeper and quieter. I might also note this can also be used with children as well, especially  the simpler versions.

I am listing some examples of how this might be used in everyday life below for your consideration. You will find this can be applied to most any situation in which you are having upset or confused feelings about or having feelings of wanting something that is not healthy for you.

  • Situation: You are arguing with your spouse and you find it escalating and not nice things are being said to one another.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: Your mind and body calms.
  • You Ask Yourself: “How can I say what I want to say respectfully?” OR “How do I say this without hurting _______?” OR “What can I do to lower this escalation?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calming down, I can think more clearly.” OR “We can work this out.” OR “We need to take a break and come back.”

woman and man with wall between but holding hands and heads against wall

  • Situation: You are trying to lose weight. You are hungry and want something to eat and it is mid afternoon. You REALLY need something to eat.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: Your mind and body calms.
  • You Ask Yourself:  “What does my body need right now?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calm and can choose what is best for me.” OR “It feels good to choose what my body really needs.”

 woman with apple on her bicep arm

  • Situation: You are feeling anxious. You are in a job interview and feeling nervous.
  • You Take 4 Deep Breaths: “Your mind and body calms.”
  • You Ask Yourself:  “What can I say that is most helpful for me?”
  • You Tell Your Self: “I am calm. I can think clearly and show my best self.”

 woman interview with calm face at at table

 

So when you feel upset, mad, anxious or feel yourself getting ready to do something not good for you, TAKE 4 DEEP BREATHS. It is worth your time to calm yourself and do what you really desire to do.  Your body is a beautiful creation designed to help you. So use your breath, it could just possibly change your life!

 

Gratitude Journals that Build Relationships

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gratitude journals at table and chairs cropped pic

Gratitude journals are not new, but they are still a practice I find very helpful for myself and my clients. And there are so many different ways to use them. Traditionally they are a daily log of what good things have happened for us that day. It is a way of capturing all the good and reminding our self of what is going well in our lives.  Helping us to not let the negative bias of our brain drown out all of the good that has been going on.  I was thinking wouldn’t it be nice to take this concept and use it for “relationship building”.  So I have chosen this forum to focus on Gratitude Journals that Build Relationships.

 

Keeping a “Relationship Gratitude Journal”

The Rationale

Relationships thrive on compliments, gratitude and appreciation. The outside world can deal us disappointment and upset at times. When our relationships are filled with the good it is so much easier to get our balance and feel better. And when we feel good about ourselves and our loved ones we feel more inclined to put more into our relationship to keep it strong and well. Gratitude builds good feelings and that is an essential part of a healthy relationship – feeling positive feelings, which leads to feeling connected.

Basic Guidelines

  •  You will be writing about what you appreciate or feel thankful for in regard to your loved one. This could be your husband, your significant other, your daughter or son.  You will need to decide who you want to focus on.
  • Focusing on specific actions and using detailed description of what it is they did or said or didn’t say, etc is most helpful. For example: “I was so grateful when John started supper when I came home late from work.” OR “I loved it when Susan took time to listen to me about . . . even though I know she was busy with . . . “
  • Be expansive and try to broaden out what you see and hear from your loved one to help illuminate all the parts you see and are grateful for.  Try to write about different things that you see. It is ok to duplicate, but try to think of all the different things that are there to appreciate. Being specific with the specific day or the specific week will help to be more expansive.
  • Ideally this would be a joint project, in which both of you are doing your own gratitude journal.

How to Create YOUR Gratitude Journal that Builds Your Relationship:

  • Find a journal that you really like and will draw you to use it every day. Of course any note-book or pad of paper will work. So don’t let not having a “perfect” journal get in the way of keeping a Relationship Gratitude Journal. But if possible find a journal that really calls to you.
  • Design a plan of action as to how you will do YOUR Relationship Journal.
  1. Who am I going to focus on? My husband or partner? My children? My entire family?
  2. How often do I want to record my feelings in my gratitude journal? Daily? Weekly?
  3. Will I choose a specific number of entries I strive for or will it be completely open-ended?
  4. Will both of us keep a gratitude journal? Is this a joint endeavor or is this just an individual project?
  5. When and where will you share your gratitude feelings? Daily or Weekly?

Gratitude Journals in ACTION:

Sharing your journal entries with each other OR you only sharing your entry with your loved one is putting this “Gratitude Journal” into ACTION. This takes a gratitude journal to a whole new level. Not only do you feel the wonderful feeling of gratitude but your loved one does as well. So you are now building relationship and connection. This is a bit of a different twist than a traditional gratitude journal. This is expanding and sharing the wonderful appreciative feelings you have discovered.

Again it is ideal to both be sharing your feelings of gratitude. But you can start with just one of you, if one is not able to do this or not wanting to do this. Any feelings of gratitude that are shared are helpful and build a sense of love and connection. Gratitude = Connection.

Young man giving piggyback to woman

 

 

Storing Up the Good – A Yearly Blessing Jar Tradition

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blessing jar 2014 prep with strips of paper

Sometimes we can forget all the good that has happened to us. The everyday upsets sometimes get in our way of remembering all the blessings that have occurred for us. I decided to start a new tradition this year in our family – A yearly recounting of all of our blessings from the past year. I decided it is a fitting January activity to start the new year out. Remembering what is good is an excellent way to start the momentum to more blessings and more happiness. For me gratitude is a basic foundation for happiness and creating more of what we want. This could be done any time of the year of course, but winter is a time that could use a bit of sunlight to shine in our darkest part of the year.

So let’s store or can up the harvest that we have reaped from this past year. Here is my idea of how to make this happen. Hopefully it will give you a start to designing your own format of how to “store up” the good stuff from this past year.

  1. Gather your family up and explain what you are wanting to do – Create a Blessing Jar for all the good things that have happened in the past year. These can be good things that have happened to each of you personally or to a family member or to your family as a whole. It can be larger highlights or it can be very small things that have occurred, maybe a small piece of progress toward something you are wanting. Note: You can of course just do this as a couple activity or for yourself as an individual activity. 
  2. For fun use a canning jar, such as a Ball or Mason jar for the storing or canning up of your blessings. Of course any jar with a lid will work. I would suggest a quart sized jar or whatever size you need to hold your blessings of your family.
  3. Have each choose a color of paper to represent their blessings they are adding to the blessing jar.  Have scissors available for folks to cut out their strips of paper. It can help for each person to add their name to their blessing so if in the future the family decides to look back at the blessings they will know who wrote them.
  4. As each person adds a blessing to the jar, encourage them to read it out loud so others can hear what they are seeing as a good thing that has happened to them in the past year. This can be a respectful witnessing of each others good feelings and acknowledging the importance of what has occurred for them. We might even reflect on what has been offered for the blessing jar. We can make a comment or ask a question to find out more about what made this so good for your family member.
  5. This can lead to thanks for these blessings or some kind of conversation about being grateful for all the good that has happened in the past year. This can also lead to a discussion about what we are wanting in the coming year. To keep it short or workable for children you can possibly have each person share one thing they are wanting for the new year. You want to keep this to be a positive experience for everyone. If you feel you are losing folks, it is ok to break the activity into two spaces of time or to simplify the activity. There is no wrong or right way to do this. The main goal is to share with one another the good stuff that is happening in your family and showing gratitude for these blessings.
  6. Mark the top of your jar with the year you are reflecting on and gathering the good stuff from.
  7. Store your “canned goods” someplace where you can access them when  you would like to in the future. Hopefully you can find a place in which you can each year add a new Blessing Jar. How cool will it be to add a new jar each year and see a growing collection of canned goods.

blessing 2014 jar final pic with papers in jar with lid in pic

I hope you will find your own version of reflecting on all of the good things that have happened for you and for your family in the past year. I think you will also find this activity to be a connecting one as sharing the good has a way of making us feel closer.  Best wishes for a wonderful new year ahead filled with opportunities and more blessings to come.

Easing the Hurt of Separating From Loved Ones

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goodbye hug by mom and young son

You’d think it would get easier as time goes on to separate from loved ones. Weather it is from your child who is in a two parent home OR from your young college aged child going back to school OR a newly married daughter going back to her new home OR maybe from a spouse or significant other who travels a great deal – it is hard. We are creatures of connection and bonding, so it does hurt when we separate from our loved ones. We can adapt and develop healthy strategies to work with these normal feelings of upset when we must be away for extended periods from our family.

Here are some things to consider in easing the hurt of separating from loved ones:

  1. Acknowledge your feelings of upset. Sharing your feelings of upset with another loved one or a friend can help. If need be you can just acknowledge them to your self. Maybe writing your feelings in a journal to validate and externalize them. The important thing is to honor and respect how you feel. It is ok to grieve a bit.
  2. Put the separation in context. Looking at the bigger picture can help. IF your child lives in two homes, then you might think about what are the healthy parts of this situation. You might concentrate on what is best for your child as to having contact with both of his or her biological parents. IF your child is going back to college, you might focus on the fact that they are preparing themselves for a future that they desire and will hopefully bring joy and happiness to them. Something you want for them. IF your adult child is going back to their new home, you can be happy for them in their ability to have a relationship and live an independent life of their choice. This is a normal, natural progression and one that shows you did a good job. IF your spouse or  significant other travels a great deal, you might look at why he or she does this – possibly to provide for the family or make a living doing something that uses their skill set or makes them feel satisfied or happy. The point is to broaden your look outside of yourself. This is not to discount your feelings of upset, but to possibly add to the view by seeing the broader context.
  3. Retrieve and replay the “Good Times” to become your touchstone. Your memories of good times together are always there to bring back up for reflection and for looking back on in your mind. Even if we are feeling upset, we can let the “good times” we have had come back up to enjoy. Let the “good times” continue to shine and warm your heart.
  4. Create a solid plan of how to stay connected. This is one of the things that can most help in being separated from the ones you love. This can be a collaborative effort in finding ways that you can still connect if you are not in the same physical place. With today’s technology this is so much easier than it was for past generations. Not only can you call but you can text and email and Skype and what ever else that is available. Let us not forget the handwritten note. It is now a bit of a treat to get a hand written  note from a loved one. Small packages or gifts can be exchanged. And of course planning as much physical time together as you can. The trick with all of this is to of course just take time to schedule and plan to do these things that keep us in each other’s lives when we are away from each other. I want to say I am not talking about being invasive or over the top having
    to be with another each moment, I am talking about collaborating and finding a mutual plan of action that works on both ends. With of course some spontaneous acts of connecting too.cell phone use by adult womancell phone use by teenager
  5. Live your own life to the fullest. You now have time to focus on you and what you want to do and achieve. Use this time to really be with yourself and do what makes you happy – whether it is a new work project or an activity that brings you joy or a feeling of satisfaction or fulfillment. You might even see this as a gift of time for you to create or explore or renew yourself, whatever it is that you may need. Choose to be happy and fulfilled.
  6. Use positive self talk to keep yourself on track. This is saying things to yourself that show you are confident that all is well and will be ok. For example you might say to yourself some of the following: “I miss . . . . . . but I know we can stay connected.” “I am planning on a weekly call to . . . . . . . . so I know we will stay in touch.” “I know this is a good thing for . . . . . .  . I am happy for him.” “We are setting up a plan of when to see each other. I know we will stay connected and close.” “I now have time to work on . . . . . .  . I am going to enjoy this time working on this.” “Even though I am sad, I know I will be ok.”

So yes it can hurt to separate from your loved ones, but you can stay connected and you can find ways to use this time to still find happiness. Talk with your loved one and make a plan on how to stay connected and then decide for yourself about how you can find your own happiness too. Best wishes on being both separated and connected.

 

Connecting with What You Love During the Holidays

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I have decided to make time for what I love the most during the holidays. Not always easy in the rush and dash to get it all done. I wish for you too this lovely idea of making time for what matters. So what matters to you? Is it family? Or spending time with loved ones? Or connecting with the spiritual meaning of the holidays? Is it doing specific holidays rituals that bring you joy? Whatever it is I wish this for you.

A few things to consider to connect with what you love . . .

  1. What do you love most and most want to connect with during the holidays? Consciously decide what that is. There may be parts of past holidays that you liked and other parts that you did like so much.
  2. Consider adding in more of what you have enjoyed and has had meaning for you in the past. Or this can mean adding in pieces that have not been a part of your holidays in the past, but you want them to be. You are the creator of your holidays.
  3. Think about deleting of doing less of things that have not brought you joy in the past. Sometimes we cannot “delete” things that need to be done to prepare for the holidays or take off our plates certain obligations. But we can potentially do less of them or shift these things so they are more enjoyable. Or maybe even turning something that is not enjoyable for you or something you would rather not do, by pairing it with something you do enjoy. For example: Maybe you hate wrapping your gifts, but you love watching holiday movies; so you combine the two and have a wrapping party as you watch your holiday movies, eat your favorite snack and wrap gifts.
  4. Highlight and fully absorb all the joyful things that happen to you during the holidays. It may be that you are surprised by what  turns out to bring you happy feelings. When they occur, take a moment and let them really soak in.
  5. Last of all let the not so joyful things that occur roll off your back and keep your focus on the stuff that brings you feelings of joy and happiness. Reliving and dwelling on the things that have upset you will only rob you of your joy. So let it go and enjoy the good stuff. If it really is bothering you then it may be you need to decide what will make you feel better and put that into action opposed to obsessing over something.  It can be helpful to remember what we focus on is what we get more of. So keep those thoughts on what is making you happy. You will be glad you did.

Best wishes for a wonderful holiday filled with all the things you love to do!