A Kiss Hello and Goodbye … A Ritual of Connection

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OK, don’t we all really want a kiss hello and goodbye. Of course we do. But sometimes this drifts away as time goes on. It doesn’t mean it cannot be put back into your relationship. IT CAN!

This is a way to send our partner or spouse off with the message of  “I love you and I am thinking of you and wishing you well.” It is also a way to  re-connect after being apart. The message here is “I missed you and I am glad to be back with you.” 

We have to remember to set the tone for this kind of ritual. Some things we can do to encourage this kind of ritual are as follows:

  •  Show our openness and desire for this kind of interaction. 
  • Have a discussion with our loved one about this ritual and why we want to include it on a daily basis.
  • Agree as a couple to have this as a goal and each be willing to remind the other in a respectful way. 
  • Be an initiator of this KISS!!!
  • Tell your loved one how much you enjoy your kiss goodbye or hello.
  • Remember if you are GRUMPY or are making a complaint or airing an upset feeling as you part or re-connect, THE KISS WILL GO BYE-BYE.

If a kiss is not in the cards, try for a hug. This can be a good start. Of course a kiss and a hug are the best combination! 

Note: Keep some breath mints or gum  in your car, purse and in easily accessible places in the house. This can take away the concern that you do not have the fresh breath you want for your sweetie. Here is to more KISSES!♥♥

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“Couples Who Play Together, Stay Together” . . . Creating New Ways to Connect

old-happy-couple-piggyback-rideAs we are in the heart of the growing season, I cannot help but think about our own growth as a couple. Sometimes I have couples in my office who feel they have no common interests or that they do not do anything together. There are lots of reasons for this of course. If a couple has children they may feel they do not  have time to do things as a couple or for that matter, as an individual. Or it may be that a couple has drifted away from doing things together as they did when they were dating or before they got married.

Regardless of the reasons, my feeling is that “Couples who Play Together, Stay Together.”  So lets look at some WAYS TO CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT THAT CAN CREATE SOME NEW GROWTH & CONNECTION.

  • Really being together is more that about being in the same place. It is about REALLY BEING THERE emotionally and connecting. 
  • If you are a parent, take time as a couple to be together by your selves. It is important. You can remember you are being a good model for your children in showing them how to keep a relationship strong.
  • Put the PLAY back in your relationship. Think back to when you were dating. My guess is you were more light-hearted and playful. I do know that our adult lives can be challenging and are full of responsibilities, but taking time to play and be with the one we love will keep us strong and healthy to be the responsible adults we need to be and fulfill our life purpose.
  • Create a new hobby or interest you both can pursue. It may be dancing, biking, taking cooking classes together, etc.
  • Revive an old passion you both had in the past. It could be bowling or antiquing together. Whatever you both enjoyed in the past and has gotten buried a bit.
  • Remember too there is more than one way to play together. It may be an activity or a hobby. But it may also be relaxing and bantering back and forth. It may be sexual intimacy. Or it may be “playful” dialogue with each other.

So much of this is about making the time for each other. And then committing to having some fun together. So go play and have a good time. And remember, “Couples Who Play Together, Stay Together.” ♥♥

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That was not in the plan . . . how to roll with the flow!

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Taking a recent vacation made me think about how our plans many times do not go the way we think they will. You are correct that my vacation did not go exactly as planned or envisioned in my head.  But I adapted, shifted and had a great time.

Yes things do not always go as we expect. This can be with a vacation or a family outing or a date night or really any kind of activity that we have planned to do together as a couple or as a family. I am a big planner and I believe in thoughtfully preparing for outings with our loved ones. On the other hand somethings spontaneous, let’s go . . . can be very romantic or real fun for a family. So I guess a balance is nice. We each will have our own style.

Regardless if you have a PLAN or you are doing a spontaneous outing, being able to roll with the flow is important. Our lives are so busy and complex and things shift quickly. Plus, the biggie here is that we can not control everything around us. We can not control that the restaurant is out of our favorite dish or that the air conditioner breaks on our fun day trip or that a thunderstorm appears out of no where and you have to cancel or shift your outdoor outing.

So how can we better ROLL with the FLOW? 

  1. First of all accept that our planned or spontaneous event may not or probably will not go exactly as we had hoped for in our head.
  2. Acknowledge your upset feelings or those of your loved ones. It is ok to be upset or disappointed. The key is WHAT WE DO WITH OUR UPSET OR DISAPPOINTMENT.
  3. Accept and then say it is OK that it did not go exactly as we wished. We can still have fun and enjoy regardless of the hiccups or bumps in the road.
  4. Remember we are capable of adapting and shifting. We are amazing human being with the ability to make the best of whatever the situation.
  5. Shift to what you can do at that point. And know you can be ok with it.
  6. Use your positive mindset to create a place of acceptance and regrouping. 
  7. Sometimes if we look we can find these unexpected needed shifts can open up opportunities that were not there before. Some folks would say there are no accidents!

GO ROLL WITH THE FLOW AND ENJOY!!!

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“Couple Time”? Our children are young and need us!

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Yes, young children do need us not only emotionally, but physically. And when they are so young, they are vulnerable and have special needs. So it is very tempting not to arrange for “Couple Time” when our children are very young. Many couples with young children feel overwhelmed with work (in and outside of the home), general parenting responsibilities and all of the very special needs of little ones. So WHY should “Couple Time” even be considered?

” It takes a strong, healthy couple to raise a child. Taking time to be connected and alive as a couple benefits your child as well as you.”

That said, it does not mean we have to take long vacations away from young children. Here are some things to consider when arranging for “Couple Time” when your children are young.

  • Consider the age of your child and how long they can comfortably be away from you. For example: If you have a nursing baby, it may be 2 or 3 hours tops. So you plan for a dinner out or an activity that will fit this specific time frame.  If your young children are ok with a sitter in the early evening, but have difficulty with others putting them to bed,  you can go out for a morning / afternoon / early evening time frame. Matching up and flexing with these kinds of needs can take the stress and worry out of your time away.
  • Find a friend, relative or sitter that you trust and feel very good aboutThis will allow you to relax and have a good time. 
  • Call if you need to, but try not to obsess. 
  • Use this special time to connect and “be with” your spouse or partner. As much as you can try to talk and interact about things other than your young children. 
  • Dress up and consider this a “DATE’. Keeping the romance alive is important, so make it a date. 
  • If you cannot go out, consider an “IN THE HOUSE DATE”. The baby is napping or children have gone to bed mid evening.  Go for it!  Create your own special time in your house. 

Enjoy this special time. Your couple interactions and special times together keep you connected and up for the challenge of raising healthy, happy children!

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Does Food Affect Your Relationship?

 

0629-couple-eat-dinner_liCan food affect our relationship with our spouse or partner???

I think the answer would be YES. There are many factors that come into play.  A few of them might be:

  1. How do each of us view food? Do we see it as a source of pleasure? Do we see it as needed for a healthy body, for energy and healing? Do we see it as part of our culture? 
  2. Whose job is it to prepare the food?
  3. Do we eat out or eat in?
  4. Where do we eat? At a dinner table or in front of a TV?
  5. Are there certain set times we eat? 
  6. How much do we spend on food?
  7. Do we eat conventional or organic? Does it matter to us?
  8. How much time do we need to spend on food preparation?
  9. Do we want boxed / canned food or fresh food? Do we care?
  10. Do we like to try new foods? Do we like the same foods?
  11. Do we have a right to restrict or discourage our partner or spouse from eating certain foods?
  12. If we have children, what kind of things should they eat or not eat?

These and many more are part of a very complex relationship between food and couples. Our family of origin and our backgrounds will affect how we see food and all the many decisions we face each day about food. How we handle differences about food is affected by our parents and the culture we grew up in also.

Having a discussion can help you begin to put together a complex puzzle of how you can potentially develop a healthy approach to food as a couple.  You will have some things you agree on and some you do not. How you resolve these issues will make a difference. Is there a healthy balance as to how you handle differences?

 Sometimes strong differences may mean each doing what they need to do, in conjunction with balancing and compromising where possible. 

Food is life and it does make a difference in our relationships. So consider taking time to really talk and find ways to work with each other’s ideas and preferences, but still be true to your own ideas.  

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Making Moms Feel Special with Love and Gratitude

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No matter if  mom is a new mom, a mom with teenagers or one with adult children, she wants to feel loved and appreciated for what she does.  So how can children and dads help mom feel their love and gratitude?  Here are a few basics ingredients that should give you a winning combination in making the mom in your family feel special.

A Recipe for Making Mom’s Feel Special 

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1. Set aside TIME to be with the mom in your family.  “We vote with our feet as to what is most important to us.”

2. Prepare Mom by letting her know you WANT TO SPEND TIME with her.

3. Add in TIME liberally.

3. Add in CURIOUSITY  and LISTENING.  Asking how she is, how she is doing, how she is feeling, etc.

4. Add in APPRECIATION.  Tell mom what you appreciate about her. Use descriptive praise in detailing out what she does that you are grateful for. These words of gratitude are powerful and help her to know that her efforts and acts of love are not going unnoticed.

5. Stir in a big heap of  HELP when she needs it, without asking!  She will love this and feel that her love and caring is coming back full circle.

6. Frost with LOVE. Verbally tell mom that you love her or write a special note with your words of affection. You will have our own special way of expressing your love, whether it be a letter, a poem, a drawing or special gift that is uniquely suited to your mom. Small, thoughtful gifts throughout the year are a lovely way of reminding mom you are thinking of her. It is not the cost of the gift, but the thoughtful timing and presentation of something that is a true fit for your mom.

7. Sprinkle with DAD MODELING FOR CHILDREN LOVE and GRATITUDE TOWARD MOM. If your children are young (or not so young) your leadership in modeling love and gratitude can make all the difference in the world. THANK YOU, DAD!!!

Baking Time: FOREVER

Yields: MOMS WHO FEEL LOVED AND APPRECIATED

Family (or Couple) Travel Game – Mutual Story Telling – Builds Communication and Cooperation

As parents we know that children (well, actually adults too) can just last so long in the car before they become bored. Here is a game that can be used as a family or as a couple.

Here are some of the benefits of the MUTUAL STORY TELLING GAME:

  • This is a communication game in which careful listening is required by all players.
  • It encourages creativity and using your imagination.
  • Working together as a group is critical to making this mutual story telling successful.
  • It is also a cooperation game opposed to a competitive game. This story telling builds on what each person says.
  • There is no technology involved,  just your family.
  • Potential joint problem solving.

The Mutual Story Telling Game

Equipment Needed: None

Ages: 4 years and up; This can be used as a family game or as a couple game.

1.  Explain to family members how the game works. Keep it simple and consider the developmental age of your children. The explanation could be something like the following :

“We are going to tell a story together. There is going to be a beginning, a middle and an end. One of us will start with  – Once upon a time ….. Then then after a sentence or two, the next person will take over the story and

add something to the story that goes with what the first person started and then the next person will add something else, etc.

2.  It is important to note there is no wrong or right way for the story to be told or created. It may be a silly, fantasy story or a more serious one.  Whatever the members what to create is the order of the day.  This is also something you can relay to the family so they know that this is fun with no specific expectations or wrong or rights. Note:  If, as a parent, if you are concerned with the direction of the story you can add in with your parts ways to balance and interject your thoughts without judging or correcting.

2.  One possibility is to have a designated end time set up in the beginning that everyone is aware of. The ages of your children and the interest level may help decide this or you can decide as a group. Five minutes can give everyone several turns and not extend it out so long that folks become bored. You can always choose to end early if you feel interest is being lost, by simply saying lets each take one more turn and have our ending. You want this to be a positive experience. Note: An alarm timer on your cell phone can be set as a neutral time-keeper and then when that goes off you can each have one final turn.

3.  As to ending the story, you can have the person who started it, end it OR you can have another family member end the story. Deciding in the beginning who will end will help alleviate arguments.  

4. If there is enough interest, you can take turns starting a story, creating additional family stories.

Special Note: You might consider “Recording the Story” as it is told to create a fun family memory. Many cell phones have an audio record device.

The important thing is to have fun and enjoy the process of CREATING SOMETHING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY!

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COUPLE VARIATION ♥♥♥

This activity can be done as a couple also. This will probably work best when there is some time involved, like an out-of-town trip, when you have miles ahead of you. It also works best when you are both feeling a bit light-hearted and playful and feel like experimenting a bit. It can be a fun bantering kind of playful story that ping pongs back and forth. Give it a try and see what you think. You might consider setting a time limit, like 5 minutes or less if you are just trying it out. As mentioned above you can set an alarm to end your story, with each having one more turn after your timer goes off.

Here is to lots of fun mutual fun story telling as a family or as a couple!

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Can Technology Hurt Your Relationships?

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How to balance our technology and our relationships is a complex issue. I feel it is one that is worthy of exploring and contemplating for all of us. As a therapist I see some of the issues that arise for couples and families in regard to technology. My post today is just to encourage us to think about our technology and how it might affect our relationships. This includes both family and couple relationships.

We live in a technology driven world and my guess is that it will continue to be more so in the future. So for me it is about trying to find  BALANCE and MINDFULNESS to use technology wisely. We all have a choice as to when and how we use our technology. 

Some of my concerns revolve around when we choose to use our technology so heavily that we are not interacting with our children or spouses or partners in a way that is needed to stay connected. It is ironic that technology is so many times today associated with social connection.  But with parents saying their children are spending all their time on Facebook or texting and couples expressing the same concern about each other, it raises questions about balance and limits and healthy relationship boundaries. So ….  let us all remember that we have a choice if we take a call, respond to a text or Facebook. We can decide how much time to spend on these activities and the many other technological activities we participate in …. surfing the net, watching endless TV, etc.

Yes, technology can bring us together when used wisely and thoughtfully.  So won’t you join me in this journey to find ways to use our technology with thoughtfulness and care to protect what is most important to us – Our Relationships.  

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How to Decide How to Spend Your Time Together

Everyone’s time is limited and we all want to make the most of our time together. As a family or as a couple we want to really have time to “be with” each other enjoying each other and the specific activities we choose to do together.

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The dynamics on how to decide how to spend time together as a couple or as a family are more similar than you might think. Below are some things to consider as you try to decide what to do with the time you have to spend together either as a couple or as a family.

 1. Consider everyone’s interests and things they like to do. This may or may not be completely evident. If not, this could be a good family meeting discussion or a good couple discussion.

2. Consider how you decide what the family or the couple does together. Many families and couples find that taking turns can feel  fair and can help to eliminate some one from feeling like they never get to do what they enjoy or from feeling like they are being drug from one thing to another. This can also mean everyone has to build up some tolerance in being involved in an activity that is not their first choice. But participating in an activity that another family member feels passionate about can be very connecting and supportive. Remembering everyone will have “their time to choose” can help.

Choosing activities collaboratively in which you try to find something that everyone has some interest in can be a respectful way to honor each other’s time.

Communicating about “how to decide” can be a good activity in itself. You can decide what fits best for you and your partner or your family.

3. Consider the developmental level of children,  if this is a family activity. Is their attention span a match for the activity?  Is their activity level a match for the activity? Is it their best part of the day to participate in an activity outside of the home? Is the length of the activity right for the children?

 4. Consider if this is a couple’s activity, will we be able to communicate and spend one on one time with each other with this activity? Of course at times you may want to be involved in an activity that is a performance or activity that is not particularly interactive. Including time after to talk about and connect can be helpful in these kinds of activities.

 5. Consider the amount of time you have to do an activity together?  Choosing something that fits can make the time together more enjoyable. Feeling rushed can very much dampen your time together. On the other hand, planning a short activity is much better than not doing things together. Short bursts of time together can help you stay connected.

 6. Consider your energy level? Do you want something relaxing? Or do you want something stimulating? Or are you in the mood to learn something new? Do you want to stay close to home or venture out-of-town? Or would you just like to stay home and do something together as a couple or as a family? All things to think about.

Best wishes in choosing what is best for you and your partner or family!

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Setting Time to Connect

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One of the basics for creating a healthy relationship, whether it is a couple relationship or a parent / child relationship is to purposefully set time to connect and be with each other. This is so simple but so powerful.  Our “focus and attention” is like water to flowers that bloom and grow. Where we put our time and effort is what will grow and flourish. With our busy lives, for many this means scheduling this time in our calendars. It may also mean setting up regular date nights or family time that is considered priority and not changed unless there is a situation that must be attended too.  The rewards are many for these efforts.  Here is to taking time to create meaningful, healthy relationships! You and your family are worth it.